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When you are raised alone, you gain this strength to pull back from people so fast after being hurt; boundaries, is what you call it. I have cut people off, without hesitating, and most times it was after getting burn by them, or because some how they came too close to making me lose control. I am going to write this as best as I can, so you can understand, my therapist pointed out many times that I used to not take pride on my achievements, that I used to be careful with how I connected to people, and for me this was a struggle because I am a social butterfly.

A lot of people see me as ‘superwoman’, people that know me, people that have seen me do things out of my job description, out of my comfort zone and people who have simply witness the strength of letting go even when it hurts to. I recently got great news at work, and this really showed me just how lit my passion for helping is, lately I have been listening to conversations that my higher self is having with others, lately I feel grounded enough to pull myself through the fire of setting boundaries that had to be established long before they became toxic.

I am a sensitive thug, I would act so cold, hold my tears back until I am alone, where I can hold my own damn self; this I learned during my childhood. The hardest part about working on yourself is that the moment you think you are done, or you are past a certain layer, the onion makes you cry all over again. Last year I went into a deep introspection, I spring cleaned my emotions, I sage my core; this year it seems like I might be deep in extrospection. I got my moldavite stone in January 2021, I had it on my dresser because I was not ready for a clean-up, for a smack on the face, I have been guided to get it, but my resistance was real. I had dreams with it, I would stare at it, and it was not until my heart was shattered mid-January that I finally put on the necklace, I knew that I was responsible for that heartbreak entirely, I knew that I needed to walk away, though I did not want to.

“God removes people out of your life because he has heard conversations behind your back.”

Whomever came up with that quote, must of known the pain that comes with accepting that someone is not meant to be in their life, when I first separated from my ex-wife something in me was sure that she would be around forever because we had kids, that mentality was the reason I tried to cultivate a healthy co-parent relationship, and what in my head looked like a “healthy relationship” for her it looked like hope, and though at the time it was a hard reality to see how it might be better to start having boundaries, I was just sure that our friendship would take the front seat to what was our love.

The thing about our relationship is that we are both primal in our kid’s life, I am not a weekend mom, and neither is she; the pandemic gave us a stable schedule that has worked for more than a year now, but the constant talking and the constant hanging out in a family style was what made the situation seem like something I was far from. When I try to explain my emotions around this subject, I sound hopeful not for a romantic relationship but because she has always been my very best friend and separating my ex-wife from my best friend has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I learned to keep our chat in mute when I felt she was unstable, when we would argue and it would turn into “you left them so …” but our last argument sounded more like the toxicity was shaping up to be a handful of bad intentions, and so I disconnected completely. I had a conversation with my oldest, about why taking ‘breaks’ from people or things is needed, and so I explained that right now mommy and mom needed a break; he understood but then asked me if he could have a break from his chores, and with a smile on my face, we sat and made a ‘break’ jar.

Through this journey, I have gone through so many emotional battles, so much hurt, at times I have wondered why, how come I need to go through all of this, must of us question the process; I used to have this feeling of having to choose, the truth is both, I have not moved on emotionally from him, but I also did not want to hurt her with making anything official before our marriage was legally dissolve. I see how those two can make it complicated; to be vulnerable, I mean.

I do not hate him for crushing my heart, I accepted that I was not who he wanted and though he was everything I ever dreamed of, I cannot blame lack of wanting, in life things come and go and it show us one of two things; it shows us how to live with it and how to live without it. My heart is mighty quite these days, I am not mad, angry nor waiting for any type of magical scene from a movie, I am in peace with my silent and with my healing.

I have never gone more than 24 hours without talking to her, and though it has been more than that, I am in peace with my silent and my truth. I hate the fact that once more I hurt her, I hate the fact that I can’t keep her as my best friend, but I am learning that just like fireflies, although we want to keep them in a jar to illuminate us, they look far more beautiful spread across the dark skies; and so though I would love to be part of her journey, I now have to let her shine her own way.

It feels like I am closing doors, and I am not sure where or what doors will unlock next, and sometimes I am afraid of what’s coming next, sometimes I cry because I am scared, sometimes especially at night I wonder if love is in the cards for me, if a warm hug, sweet kiss, hand holding love is somewhere in the future, sometimes I have to remind myself that I don’t need to be strong all the time, is not a crime to be vulnerable, to be emotional, to miss him and not show it, to want to tell her something great but remind silent; I took off my moldavite tonight, March 21st, 2021 at 7pm because it’s the last night of my 31st year of life, and I am ready to stop closing doors and start turning new keys.

XOXO

Lucy