10 Signs You Really Are Alive
What separates you from the herd of zombies outside your house
As the holidays approach, people tend to forget they are alive. With bills to pay, presents to buy, and Christmas family gatherings to attend, it’s no wonder people think death is better. But here is a list of ten things to remind you that you are still alive. For now.
1. You have a pulse
I know it sounds basic but it’s important. You have a beating heart that is continuously pumping blood throughout your body despite everything you do to kill it.
It loves you even though you don’t love it. Sugar donuts, nachos, fried chicken, and lying on the couch for hours on end watching tv don’t detract it from keeping your useless body alive.
2. It hurts when you hold in your number two
Anyone who is like me and avoids public bathrooms or going number two when people are around know what I mean. Until you have that cramping of your stomach, tightening of your sphincter, and surge of pain that goes from your anus to your chest, you will never know the thrill of being alive.
Holding that massive accumulation of fecal matter for so long is like carrying a fetus to term. When you finally give birth and dispel the mass out into the world you can’t help but feel a spark of pride.
3. You are thirsty
I am not talking metaphorically, like your thirst for knowledge or wealth or success. I mean, you eat so many salty snacks and use so much soy sauce for your sushi it kills all the healthy benefits and only makes your body crave water.
Of course, you don’t drink water because that would actually aid in prolonging your life. You prefer the real thirst quencher, Dr. Pepper. The doctor knows what you really need.
4. You need to delete all the spam emails and porn websites that pop up while you are at work
If you have been dead even for a day you will know that if you go back to your inbox, it is littered with hundreds of spam emails from Nigerian princes, starving orphans needing gift cards from Target, and major companies like Microsoft or Netflix somehow needing your Social Security Number and the name of your first pet in order to release the false drug charges under your name.
The longer you are dead, the more insistent the messages get. Penis enlargement pills, breast enhancement creams, teeth whitening powders, body slimming belts, and sex-enhancing contraptions provided for purchase are all sent to you. Only the living could live up to those expectations.
And of course, just when your boss or female coworkers come to your desk to ask you a question, a giant pop-up ad blinks on your screen advertising the latest episode of hentai porn where Akari and Naomi ravage a giant octopus in a titillating tentacle tryst.
Controlling this onslaught of spam and pop-ups is proof that you exist.
3. You crave food
Being alive means you need sustenance. And what better way to prove you are alive than to visit an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet restaurant and spend three hours gorging on spring rolls, fried rice, schezwan chicken, and chicken balls.
Food is the gift of the Gods, so stuffing yourself with Krispy Kreme, Carl’s Jr. and Chipotle are the pillars of your faith. The more you crave, the more you are alive.
Until your arteries clog and you suffer a massive coronary infarction. But until that happens, you are golden.
6. You spend way more time than it’s worth untangling headphones
You will never truly enjoy the music that Spotify brings to your ears without first paying your dues — and I’m not talking about their premium members fee. The truly living pull out their wire headphones only to spend most of the bus ride untangling them.
There is a delicate balance between just pulling the two ear pods apart and hoping the wire will untangle and the intricate system of weaving the plug, in and out of knots like a rocket weaving through space filled with asteroids.
Only those who are truly alive have had the pain and utmost pleasure when those headphones finally are perfectly set for listening. Of course, sometimes one of the earpieces no longer works. But that is life.
Those with air pods or wireless headphones are cold, bloodless riffraff that has never truly lived.
7. You daydream at work about your real passion, cupcakes
No one really loves their job. Even porn stars, rock stars, and fashion models have things about their life or job that makes them wonder if their life has meaning. And that is the way it should be.
No one should wake up wanting to go to work and come home feeling like they did something meaningful. If they did, this would be heaven and we would all be dead angels.
Sitting at a desk with a squeaky chair, surrounded by people who are pretending just like you to give a crap about the task of the day is part of being a living, breathing person.
Daydreaming while eating your cold sandwich about lying on a beach in Bali or eating peanut butter icing cupcakes in a trendy cafe in New York City, is everyone’s real job.
To legitimately be alive, you must suffer the speeches from the boss, celebrations of the retiring employees, and reviews from your supervisor. Without these reminders of failure and the absolute meaningless of your existence, you can never really exist.
8. You look in the mirror and realize your “imagined self” is way more awesome
The ability to have an inner monologue and process information is the cornerstone of life. If your brain can’t tell you your finger is being burned because you are sticking it in the hot pot soup then something is wrong.
Similarly, along with the processing of information, having an identity within helps you separate yourself from those around you. Self-awareness is the key to life. And the way to know your mind is in peak health and perfection is to look in a mirror or walk by a shop with glass windows and see your reflection.
True life is thinking you are just a slightly skewed version of Zac Efron only to look in the mirror and see you are much more comparable to Christopher Loyd as Uncle Fester from the Addams Family.
9. Sex makes you sad
If you haven’t woken up naked and caked in regrets and fluids from last night then you have never really been alive. Flashbacks of your pimpled buttocks pumping away or the sounds of mutual mid-riff flab flapping together in clapping sounds are the only medicine for the living.
The shorter your parts, the faster your session or the silence and dissatisfaction you get from your partner, is the ultimate slap in the face that wakes you up to the reality of life. You are human. You are inadequate. You aren’t very good at sex. But you are alive!
10. Alcohol makes you happy
Your boss makes you work overtime, you drink. Your kids won’t stop pestering you, you drink. Your best friend buys a new 2020 BMW 5-Series, you drink. You find a weird wart on your scrotum, you drink.
There are so many of life’s occurrences that require alcohol to survive. It’s the elixir of life and engine of fornication.
The more you drink, the happier you feel, and the more you live. No wonder having a beer in two hands eliminates the chances of you getting your hands on anything destructive, like books or exercise equipment. Fodder for the dead.
Hopefully, when you are feeling sad or down about something in your life, you will remember this list and realize life sucks. You will realize there is a lot more wrong with your life than you imagined and it will only get worse as you age.
But at least you are alive. Which is more than you can say about those zombies slowly creeping up behind you. So stand up, get your ax, dismember some undead and breathe in that oxygen.
This article also appears here: https://medium.com/muddyum/10-signs-you-really-are-alive-533d5cfc0549