The Problem Of Parents Hiding Health Information and What You Can Do

Have you run into the problem of parents hiding health information? Perhaps you were left in the dark about their health, finding out months or even years later about a key diagnosis, including something as serious as cancer?

It’s a confusing situation, one that can quickly become overwhelming.

You might feel shocked, confused, or hurt to find out that they were hiding the information from you. The emotions may be even more overwhelming if you learn about the diagnosis at the same time as you learn that they were hiding it.

It’s easy to take the affront personally. To feel like your family member doesn’t love you and doesn’t trust you.

But, is that really the case or is there something else going on?

We All Choose The Information We Share

First of all, we all make decisions about sharing and hiding information. Few of us tell everybody everything. Doing so would quickly be impractical (and frustrating for the people in our lives).

Instead, we filter information. We pick and choose what we say and who we say it to.

If we don’t see a person often, we might only tell them the most important pieces of information or the ones they’ll be the most interested in. Likewise, if that person is under stress, we mightn’t tell them anything that makes them feel bad.

What we say is also influenced by our desire to protect ourselves.

Most of us have some topics that we’re fine with everyone knowing, while others are more sensitive. We might tell our close family members or perhaps no one at all.

Take a mental health diagnosis for example. If you were diagnosed with depression, you might be cautious with who you tell, especially as people’s reactions can be varied and not always helpful.

Similarly, you might not tell everyone you know about a death in the family because you don’t want to constantly be reminded about it. Instead, you would probably inform those who knew the family member personally and perhaps not anyone else.

This much is probably obvious.

But, the question remains, why filter information from family? As it turns out, there are multiple reasons why people do so.

People Have Different Priorities

A senior man lying down with a weighted blanket

The main reason for parents hiding health information is priorities. We all have different ones.

While communication with family members might be high priority for you, your parents may focus on different areas first. This doesn’t mean that they love you any less or that they don’t trust you.

The following topics are some reasons why your parent may keep the information hidden.

They’re Protecting You

If you have a lot going on, or perhaps even if you don’t, your parent might want to spare you the stress and worry of what is going on for them.

For example, if they have some unexpected symptoms or a suspicious lump, the early steps involve testing and consultation. It takes awhile before anyone knows whether there’s a serious problem.

Many parents won’t involve you until they know that things are serious.

After all, why put you through all that worrying when there’s no need? You knowing won’t change the diagnosis and your parent isn’t likely to need assistance this early on.

Remember too, your parents are still your parents. Even if your mother or father has a serious health condition, they may try to protect you from stress or worry for as long as they can.

They Need Time To Process

Health diagnoses can be scary. Terrifying, even. While some of us would run immediately to family or friends for support, others prefer to process on their own to begin with.

After all, once you tell someone about a diagnosis, you have their reactions to deal with along with your own. This can be overwhelming when you’re barely coping with the idea as it is.

So, some parents will choose to hold onto the information for a while – to sit with it and process it, before they’re willing to share it.

This decision doesn’t mean they’re being selfish or that they don’t care about you. It’s simply that, for the moment, they need to take care of themselves first. This isn’t so surprising, as it’s their health and it affects them more than anyone else.

They’re Afraid

Some people shut down when they’re afraid. They don’t want to talk about the issue and they certainly don’t want others knowing how they feel.

For a senior with a scary health diagnosis, keeping the story under wraps for as long as possible might help to squash that fear. Somehow telling anyone else, even a loved one, makes the situation seem much more real.

Plus, each new person who learns about the diagnosis is one more person that will ask questions about it. This alone can be frustrating for a senior who is trying not to be stressed about their health.

They Want To Be Treated Normally

Having a serious health condition or a disability changes the way that people are seen. People in this situation often find that others are fast to see their limitations and what they cannot do – and slow to see the autonomy that the person still has left.

Yet, in practice, most people can still do many things for themselves. Maintaining their own independence and autonomy is important, especially if they have a deteriorating condition.

Some seniors worry about telling their children about health conditions in case the child tries to ‘take over’. Others simply don’t want to be asked ‘how are you feeling’ or ‘what do you need’ all the time.

It’s Not Your Business

Some parents, although not all, may feel like their health isn’t your business. This might be because it doesn’t directly affect you or because what they’re dealing with is too personal.

For example, if your elderly parent can still care for themselves well, you probably don’t want to know about a urinary tract infection. In fact, most short-term health problems mightn’t be that relevant to you.

Other problems might affect you, but are difficult for the senior to talk about, like incontinence. You might need to broach that subject yourself. If you do so, focus on being compassionate and don’t blame them for not telling you. The topic is hard enough on its own, blame is likely to shut the whole conversation down.

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