I have a problem... with eating.
When I am around others, I make the healthy choices. I try to be an example of the best choices for one's body. I have rid my household of chemicals and processed foods, and am always researching how to do better. I am the one that my friends go to when they have healthy eating questions, I follow all the healthy eating instagrams, and am constantly researching how to make better food choices for my family.
Then I find myself alone.
I cannot control anything that has to do with the food that I put in my mouth. I try to convince myself to eat better, to make better choices, but then my brain tells me otherwise. When I go to the grocery store alone, I cannot resist the candy in the checkout aisle. My mouth will water, and before I can convince myself otherwise, I have grabbed some sort of chocolate, paid for it, and try to justify the purchase on the way out the door. I will peel the wrapper open, and shove it into my mouth. Like a secret I am trying to keep, attempting to not let anyone see me eat it. I will stuff the wrapper in the door pocket of my car, and the second I get home I will throw it away, never to reveal my secret to anyone. When my boyfriend offers me a cookie, or to buy me a little something while we are out, I will pretend like I haven't eaten something sugary in days. I will lie to the one I trust the most, because I do not want him to know that I have lost all control. That I have lost the power to make better choices for myself, but only when I am alone. I feel like there is a part of me that feels like I am living a double life. That there is a part of me that wants to be incredibly healthy, to lose weight, to ensure that I live a happy and healthy life. The other part is someone who cannot control her sugar intake, who will obsessively think about how wrong it is for me to eat, and that it doesn't help in my weight loss journey. I cannot control that other part.
I have lost weight before. I will stand on that stupid scale, and be so proud of myself. I will text my friends bragging about how much weight I have lost, and tell them how proud I am of myself. I will have this excitement inside, that I think will never be replaced. That I will continue to do what I have been doing to keep dropping the pounds. Then I sabotage myself. I overeat, I stop working out, I don't care about my step count and gain the weight right back. It's like I am afraid to lose the weight, like there will be different expectations put on me if I lose weight. I have hovered around the same weight for years. A weight that bothers me, and makes me so unhappy, but yet here I sit doing nothing but sabotaging, and then complaining and pretending like I have absolutely no idea why I can't lose the weight that haunts me.
I don't know how I am going to get this under control, how will I ever teach myself to not self sabotage? I have started going to Over Eaters Anonymous meetings. I have tried opening up, admitting that I am a sugar addict with a problem. I have a couple of friends who may understand, but I am ashamed to share with them what my true struggles are like. I think it is why I focus on others problems, and am always there to help them. It helps me not focus on my problems as much, but now I think it is time for me to focus on me. It is time to get these thoughts under control, to stop beating myself up for not being able to control myself, and begin to work on self control. It is time to practice what I preach.