Sometimes, I’m Not Okay...

Sometimes, I’m not okay...

Life is overwhelming at times. You know what they say “When it rains, it pours right?” That’s what I’ve always heard. I believe it. I can hardly cope with reality here lately. I keep thinking to myself, “I just have to get through these hard times in my life, and then it will get better.”

BUT

What happens when the trials seem never ending? They keep multiplying.

What happens when you feel that you’ve given your all, and it STILL isn’t enough? You’re exhausted.

What if your strength is completely gone? You’re feeble.

What

Do

You

Do?

I tell myself “I’ve got this.” I put on a smile, and tell people “I’m doing great!” So much, in fact, that I believe it myself sometimes. I truly feel that I’m doing fantastic! Until, all of a sudden, it hits me. Annnd, I’m not okay.

Reality sets in, and I begin to think about everything ALL AT ONCE.

My cancer. I can’t forget about it... EVEN THOUGH I TRY.

I’m constantly reminded.

Excruciating nerve pain. Daily radiation treatment. Medical bills that won’t stop rolling in. The constant questions from people who don’t really care...

I fear what is to come.

I’m scared of the chemo... I’ve seen what it does to people. The loss of appetite, sickness and fatigue. The hair loss... The possibility of never being able to have a child due to infertility. The BROKEN SPIRITS.

The truth is Nick and I haven’t decided whether or not we would like to have a child yet, but I don’t want that option taken away from us. Cancer has already taken so much...

I’m terrified of having the surgery. The possible complications. The nerve involvement. The idea of no longer being able to feel in certain areas of my leg. The recovery.

I’m fearful that even if I beat this, it will return. There is a high likelihood of me finding out I have another form of cancer within fifteen to twenty years after my radiation treatment. Why? Radiation treats cancer, but is also CAUSES it... It can help shrink my tumor now, but what will I be dealing with at the age of forty?

My eyes become so heavy, and my heart feels as if it will burst wide open. Before I know it, I’m overcome with emotion. My first instinct is to leave town. That’s what I do when I get stressed, I take some personal time away from the rest of the world for a while to regroup. I jump in the car and just drive attempting to leave all of my fear and worries behind. Sometimes, you just want to forget about it...

Except, I can’t.

Even if I did decide to run, I can’t leave it all behind me. I can’t escape this... My cancer. It’s inside of me. It owns me, and I’m at it’s mercy. It’s alive, and it’s spreading. It chooses my fate.

I WANT IT OUT.

Please. I would like my life to go back to the way it was before. When it was a little more “normal.”

I know, I know. I’m considered lucky... This is true. Others have had their lives taken so abruptly and unexpectedly. It doesn’t mean that it makes my circumstances any easier to cope with. I know that anything can change in the blink of an eye. Mine could get worse... IT COULD SPREAD.

I pray that it doesn’t.

I want to heal. I don’t want to be “sick.” Selfishly: I want to go skydiving again. I want to see the Canadian side of Niagara Falls.

Emotionally, I want to be there for my family... I want them to continue knowing that I will always be here for them. Whether it’s 2 AM in the morning, and they need to talk. Whether they are broke down in the side of the rode, and need assistance. Whether they need dinner or just need a hug... I want to be there.

I know my time will come eventually, but please... Don’t let it be anytime soon.

Sometimes, I’m not okay... Tonight is one of those nights. I will wallow in my self pity... I will cry because I need to allow myself to feel these emotions at times. FULLY feel them, and let them all out.

Then, I will regain my inner strength.

Tomorrow, I will be okay. ❤️