Self-Esteem and Empowerment: The Importance of Deflection Versus Internalizing

Internalising. Define internalising.

To internalise is to wear the negative perception given to you, by someone who does not care for you, as a badge of honour.

Well actually, it’s a badge of shame. We take on people’s opinions, perceptions, ideas of who we are, and sadly, if our sense of self isn’t strong enough, we perceive ourselves in this same distorted manner ,not understanding the huge disservice we have just given ourselves.

Let's discuss an example of internalising.

The Jeans Versus the Office

Kerry has chose to buy some brightly coloured eccentric jeans. They are wide leg, light blue with one pink stripe going down the side, and daisies embellishing the bottom. She loves them.

However when she gets to work, she notices people staring at her. They stare at her as their eyes move down the heavily embellished jeans. They snigger, whisper to each other, eyes on Kerry, as she makes her way around the office. She begins to feel nervous. She looks at her jeans, jeans she once loved and adored, with embarrassment and shame. Her head begins to sink low as she makes her way to her desk.

Suddenly, a co-worker approaches Kerry sat at her desk. ‘Good Morning Kerry!’ they chirp, dropping a pile of files onto her desk, ‘Interesting outfit choice!’

Kerry goes a severe shade of pink, unsure if the remark was a sincere compliment or spiteful sarcasm. It seemed to veer towards the latter.

‘Thank you.’ Kerry mumbled, eyes downcast. She gets on with her work in silence, vowing never to wear the jeans again.

Now I’m sure you reading this can identify with Kerry’s predicament. We have all had a situation where we have allowed someone’s opinion or perception to change our mood, thoughts and feelings about an object we once desired, and possibly our feelings about ourselves.

It could be your spouse, your friends, your colleagues, or even family members. Whatever it was about yourself, it didn’t make the cut. You then choose to dispose of it, like Kerry did in deciding to never wear the jeans again, suppress, or keep various unique expressions of your identity a shameful secret.

Going back to the initial example. Kerry sat doing her work, feeling low and diminished , when another colleague approached her. It was an older lady, but a respected team leader on the floor. Everyone knew not to mess with her.

‘Kerry Singleton?’ The lady queried.

‘Yes ma’am?’ Kerry responded curiously. What did this lady want? She was doing her work.

‘The reports you filed yesterday, brilliant but a few typo errors’ the lady replied. ‘and btw, fabulous outfit choice! So unique and different, looks great!’ and with that the lady trotted off.

Kerry sat at her desk feeling slightly bemused. She gazed at the jeans again. Well, she liked them. Perhaps she would wear them out to another event. Maybe just not to work.

Now in the above example, a positive response from the outside world restored Kerry’s faith in the beauty of her outfit. Although this is good, this is indeed a powerless way to exist in day to day life.

It is clear Kerry has low self esteem. Initially, she was in love with her choice of jeans, but the negative response from others caused her to sink into low vibrational feelings such a shame, despair, insecurity, and even contempt for herself.

She had internalised the perceived negative opinions of others.

In doing so, she had wallowed in low vibrational feelings, allowed others to control how she felt that day, and dismissed her own unique desire to wear eccentric and interesting clothes. She now saw her fashion sense as a negative thing, something that would prevent her from ever getting love and respect in the world.

Now the above may seem dramatic, but the bottom line as to why we internalise negativity from word is to do with our own sense of worthiness and deservingness. We are unsure of ourselves, our sense of individuality, our right to positive relationships and respect, and due to this uncertainty we now allow others to confirm or not confirm our worth and value.

We may do so many things that are alien to our own unique sense of individuality just for external validation. In high school, we call it ‘fitting in’, in a response to the inevitability of peer pressure. This is normal. But as we grow into ourselves, the innate desire to express our individuality unapologetically, becomes stronger than the desire to fit in. We become ourselves, and understand this self is worthy of love, affection, and respect. We dismiss any negative opinions about our fabulous, unique self as irrelevant.

This is known as deflection. This is a healthy psychological protective mechanism, that empowers our sense of self, and allows a healthy self esteem to build and develop. Rather than becoming powerless to the opinions of the outside world, we form a healthy opinion of who we are, and express this self without any fear or shame, as we honour our individuality, and understand those that do not honour who we are do not matter in the grand scheme of life.

What if we do not develop this healthy, loving sense of who we are? Well, we become riddled with low self esteem and self doubt, much like Kerry. Like a ship with open holes, we allow the waves of negativity of others to drown us, and remain down until another external person is kind enough to lift us out of our own misery.

Now let's go back to the example of Kerry and her jeans. What would have happened if Kerry had deflected, rather than internalised, the negative response of her colleagues?

Kerry Deflects

As Kerry walked in the office in her brand new jeans, she noticed her colleagues staring at her. She saw them smirk and move their eyes down the embellishments of her pants. They nudged each other and whispered.

Kerry observed it and paused within herself, beginning to feel anxious. She looked down at her jeans and smiled. Even looking at them made her happy! Satisfied, she smiled at her colleagues, and strutted confidently to her desk.

Suddenly, a co-worker approached Kerry sat at her desk. ‘Good Morning Kerry!’ they chirped, dropping a pile of files onto her desk, ‘Interesting outfit choice!’

‘Thank you very much, Sharon! I love them!’ Kerry chirped back, and she continued to get on with her work.

Now in the above example, Kerry was empowered. Although she sensed negativity around, Kerry remained strong within herself, and refused to bow to negative perception. Naturally, anxiety arose, but she allowed her own internal validation to reign supreme over the validation of others. In doing so, she maintained a positive mood, outlook, attitude, and when she would eventually receive a genuine compliment, she would be on an excellent receiving end where, rather than the compliment lifting her out of a slump, it would merely empower her own internal validation system.

All of this because she had deflected negativity rather than internalising it.

Becoming who you are does not mean the world will always greet you with chocolates and roses. What it does mean though; we become who are anyway, knowing we are worthy of good things, as who we are. Owning who we are is important in terms of the diversity of human life. Some of the most eccentric icons of our time, who transformed society, were those who refused to conform and remain committed to their unique sense of self. David Bowie, Prince, Grace Jones, Albert Einstein. These are all icons who probably weren’t popular in school, but due to their own inner commitment to who they are, and what they stand for, they remain iconic long after they have departed from this world.

And finally, deflection is good for mental health. We all have the up and downs of life. Failures, disappointments, hardships, losses. Those who allow this negativity to define them, and internalise it, fail in life, drown in hardship, and become those that others never desire to be like. Those who maintain self love, self esteem, courage, and self-belief despite the difficulties around them can obtain notoriety and success. Such people can include Steve Jobs, the late CEO of Apple who lost all of his millions, only to make all of the money back and then some.

So final thoughts. Can you identify yourself within Kerry? What is it you need to do to develop further in who you are? What internalised negativity is controlling your experience of life? Are you ready to become more internally validated?

Are you ready to deflect rather than internalise?