I have noticed that while my patients is still not the greatest, it is getting better. I have also noticed that, while I don’t always see things the way that I should, I will see them for what they are eventually. I just need to start seeing them for what they are before they get the best of me and I think I was able to do that this morning and now I am still doing well. Usually, by this time of the day I am doing worse than I was before. I wonder why one little pill can make such an amazing difference? I guess it could also have something to do with the fact that I am paying better attention to things because I want to be able to do things the way that I have been. I guess that would be the wrong way to say it. I don’t want to do things the way I have been, I want to do things better than I have been even though I have been doing better than I was before. I want to go from being mentally ill and functioning, to a person who hardly notices that they are mentally ill. Or someone who is able to blend in well enough that other people do not notice that something is wrong with me until I tell them.
I don’t necessarily want to be the person who does not take medication because I know that I need to take them. I know that I need to make sure that I am more strict with myself that I was before because I am doing so much better now and I do actually have things to lose this time around. I need to know that I am doing well and that I will be doing the same or better tomorrow and all the days after that. I need to know, because it keeps me calm, that I have my medication in my system and that things are going to stay going well and that I will be alright in the end.
Yes, I may not be able to lead what you think is a normal life and that I may not ever live a day without medication. I may not ever be the person who can sleep in again. I may never be the person who gets married and is happy simply because of what is wrong with me. And I will never be the person who is just like everyone else. I know that and I know so much more than that about myself now and I am okay with that.
Sometimes, I am lonely, though. But I need to quit looking for someone to fill that void. I need to delete the dating apps and I need to stop spending so much time in front of my phone and the television. I need to get back to who I was so many years ago when I felt like a normal person before all of this happened.
The point of the medicine is not to make me normal or necessarily to make me feel normal. It is not to make me like everyone else. That is just a side effect. It is not to make me feel like I am one with the population.
The point of the medication is to make me feel like I can handle what is going on in my life and what is going through my head no matter what is going on. I know sometimes I get overwhelmed and that it will happen no matter what. It happens to everyone. I just also know that I am not alone and that these thoughts are not always what will be in my head, that they will go away, and that I will be fine here soon.
I must say that I am happy with the medication, therapy, and lifestyle changes I have made.