Living with HIV

In 2005 I started training as a nurse at the University of Leeds. It was the best time of my life, everything seemed to be going well. I had come out to my family as gay and I was seeing a guy from my hometown. The travelling back every weekend never really seemed to bother me. He was happy, I was a happy 18 year old and the relationship lasted 2 years. The relationship ended in 2007.

During this period I kept coming down with colds constantly. I’ve always been such a healthy person but I could just not seem to shake off the regular bouts of illness. Something was wrong and I don’t know why, but something in my mind made me go and get tested.

I waited until I was back home and arranged to have an HIV fast test which sure enough tested positive. As the support worker said "I’m sorry to tell you" it was as if time stood still and everything in my life I had worked hard for was decimated.

I remember releasing the most blood curdling yelp because all I could think was that I was never going to see my parents grow old, or my sisters and brothers get married. Although I was a student nurse, HIV was something I was still clueless about. It was never discussed in school, sex in general was never discussed by my Christian parents, and nor was my sexuality.

My boyfriend was my first, and my last—you see he infected me knowingly. My mental health took a very downward spiral. I stopped eating, I drank heavily and I found a group of friends who introduced me to a party lifestyle that helped me to forget about having HIV. As a consequence I also forgot about my life responsibilities and neglected my studies.

To this day I live with the fear of passing on the virus and it does affect my ability to form intimate relationships, even though I’m now 31 and on treatment which means I cannot pass on the virus. I left my nursing degree in my final year meaning I never got to fully qualify.

Mentally, I did not feel fit to care for other people and for a time what I thought was self care—was in fact quite the opposite—it was self destruction. I hadn’t realised that until around 2011 when I lost my job, my home, and my friends. That was when I took a long hard look in the mirror and sobered up, literally and metaphorically. At 29 I decided to give higher Education another go so I started a degree in biomedical science—I wanted to learn more about this disease as well as others. I’m 8 months away from finishing my degree as I write this now.

I have every intention of going to medical school and becoming an HIV specialist in the hope that I can treat, advise, and inspire anybody who thinks their life is over after such a diagnosis.

I am at peace with my former partner and more importantly I am at peace with myself. I have discovered more about who I am in recent years than ever and I have discovered that I have the ability to turn the hand I was dealt into the hand I wanted. I hope this message serves as a bit of hope and inspiration, not just to people with HIV, but to anyone battling their own demons.

Take care,

Carl