Friendless

I am 19 years old. For about the last 5 years I haven't made any friends. My time in high school was the absolute worst. I didn't talk to anyone unless they said something to me. Which was very rare. But I wasn't always the quiet kid.

In middle school I talked to many people and many people spoke to me. People knew my name and liked me. I had people I would consider my friend. I was very open and enjoyed going school (even though I hate it) because I had a good reason to go. Being social with other people was fun and liberating. That experience lasted only 3 years, until I got to high school.

High school became the worst 4 years of my life. Most of this was my fault which I recognize. For some reason when I entered high school I was overwhelmed. I could not bring myself to make new friends or connect with others. Many students, including some teachers, asked me why I didn't speak or connect with other students. I would either shrug my shoulders or say "I don't know". I could tell by there facial expression that they were puzzled and/or confused.

This was my reality. But in my head I imagined how things would be if I did speak. I imagined how many friends I would have, and how people would see me as a fun and loving person. Til' this day I still dream of a better time in high school, but that only makes me feel regretful of my high school experience. I didn't even go to prom or my own graduation. Which to some is a big deal, but not to me.

I wish I was more outspoken and communicated with others. I wish I could have made friends. I wish I could of had the courage to talk and my life wasn't so boring and void of life. That time has passed and I regret it.

Being 19 years old and alone is scary for me and probably many other people my age. I fear this trend will continue for me. I want to be a lot more social and make friends. I want to find love. I no longer want to be known as the quiet guy. After New Years Day, I said "new year same old me". Seeing those words makes it seem like I have given up on myself.

As humans we all seek some kind of interaction with another. For some it comes easy or natural. Others it can be really hard or difficult. When it comes to speak to other people I struggle a bit. I tend to stutter and not make eye contact with the other person. When it comes to finding someone to associate with or befriend, we want that person to have the same ideals, and interests as us.I myself am very picky. I come across a lot of people, but have yet to find someone who matches what I want in a person.

I should allow someone a chance to enter my life. I do realize not every one will have every quality I am looking for. I need to accept this or risk being alone forever. I know I am a closed-off person (an introvert). I don't go out very much, indoors is where I thrive. I should be more confident in myself and not afraid to jump in the pool and explore the world outside. Because what do I have to lose right? Hopefully after getting this off my chest, I have the confidence and courage to speak up more and make some friends, because life is too short to be alone.