F**K GP

Gastroparesis. My first thought was "what the fuck is that?"

***

All I knew was I had been sick for about two months nonstop. For two whole months I was nauseated and my stomach was always bloated. Acid sloshed around my stomach constantly burning me from the inside out. I would try to eat at first and feel like I was going to throw up, and sometimes actually throw up, within 30 min of eating. I called my doctor and I was told I couldn't get in for another two weeks. Furious, I made the appointment and continued trying to solve it on my own.

When I got to the appointment they wrote off all my symptoms. At the time I was living with my long term boyfriend so they gave me a pregnancy test and sent me home. Pregnancy had not even crossed my mind because I was on birth control, but now my anxiety had that idea to play on loop. Thankfully a few days later they called, negative.

Well back to square one. My symptoms still showed no improvement and eating was getting harder and harder. Next I went to urgent care, hoping they would listen. I had a very nice doctor who listened to me and understood what a problem this was becoming. She had to do yet another pregnancy test just to make sure, but sent me home with anti nausea meds and another one for acid reflux.

I finally had a little relief. After about a week I no longer had acid burning my throat and stomach. I wasn't going through a bottle of Tums a week anymore. The nausea however, was back with a vengeance. I had to take the anti nausea pills every four hours with out fail or I was laying on the bathroom floor crying and hugging the toilet. Something was not right.

Once again I called my doctor, and once again two weeks out. I didn't even bother with that appointment and went to urgent care the next day. I explained that the acid reflux was better but that the nausea was still unbearable. The doctor agreed that something was not right but didn't have the power to do much more. They gave me another prescription for the anti nausea meds and gave me a referral to the local GI specialist.

The next day even the pills didn't help. I was dry heaving and so nauseous that I couldn't even drink water. I stayed right next to the toilet, on the floor, crying and dry heaving all day. Finally by 8pm I couldn't take anymore. I decided to go to the emergency room. Before I could get in the car I starting vomiting profusely. Once there was a break in the vomiting, my bucket and I got taken to the ER.

At the ER I was given a vomit bag immediately and got taken back rather quickly. They started IV fluids and took a bunch of blood for tests. No one could understand why I had been feeling so awful. After about half the bag of fluids, I began throwing up again. This continued until they gave me anti nausea meds through my IV. All of my blood tests came back normal and I stopped vomiting. The doctors were stumped. Nothing showed up requiring more tests so I was sent home.

My saving grace was the GI's office calling and making an appointment for me the next day. I got very lucky and was able to get an appointment for that next Monday morning. I had no idea what was going on with me and was becoming scared. Months had gone by with no relief and no answer to why this was happening. I really hoped that the GI would have some real answers.

I didn't even care that my appointment was at 8am. I got up and ready and arrived early for paperwork. I was a ball of nerves. What could possible be wrong with me? Is it fixable? There were so many questions and worries in my head. The nurse called me back and took my vitals. "The doctor will be in shortly."

Tick...

Tick...

Tick...

I didn't actually wait long, maybe 5 minutes, but I have never felt time go by so slow. The doctor came in and introduced himself as Dr. Chuck. He was a tall man with a very big, but kind, voice. He really listened to everything I told him and understood my desperation to find help. Then he said it. Gastroparesis. What? I had never even heard of this disease and here he was, almost certain, thats what I had.

Dr. Chuck explained that gastroparesis literally translates to paralyzed stomach and there is no cure. It meant that my stomach could not empty itself properly. This is caused by the vagus nerve becoming damaged somehow, but he was unable to pinpoint how mine got damaged. This could have caused all my symptoms. The nausea and vomiting most likely happened because food wasn't leaving my stomach and putrefying in my stomach causing food poisoning of sorts.

The next step was to get an endoscopy to make sure I didn't have any ulcers or blockages before starting a medication to promote mobility. If the endoscopy was clear and the medicine worked it would prove to him that I really had gastroparesis. I made an appointment for an endoscopy at the end of the week and went home.

I was terrified! A chronic illness? I could be dealing with this for the rest of my life?! I came home, locked my self in my room, and cried. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Yes, I was grateful too have answers but there was no hope given to me. Either we'd be back to square one, not knowing what was wrong, or I would be living with this for the rest of my life. I felt so low.

The day of the endoscopy came quickly. I was more scared of the results than I was of any complications. Everything went smoothly and I woke and got the results. I had no ulcers or blockages but I did have a hiatal hernia caused by acid reflux. I left shortly after with two new long standing prescriptions, one for acid reflux and one for gastroparesis.

I took my medicine by the book on a timed schedule and started to feel better within a few days. I called Dr. Chuck and let him know. This confirmed his suspicions and my worst fears.

Every time I thought about my diagnosis I would cry. I spent my days avoiding the very thought of gastroparesis. Every time a concerned relative would call to check on me I would have to quickly hang up and cry. Even though I felt better, I was no were close to 100%. I was still nauseated any time I ate and felt full with almost nothing. How was I going to live like this forever?

Receiving my gastroparesis diagnosis was the hardest thing I have gone through to date. A few months on my medication Dr. Chuck ordered one more test. It was called a gastro-emptying study. After 4 hours I still had 64% of my food still in my stomach. This was concrete proof I had severe gastroparesis. I still struggle with it every day. It took me a good month to be able to stop crying when I thought about it. I decided to join a facebook support group for gastroparesis and it has been a godsend. Being able to connect to others and vent to others that truly know the struggle makes things more bearable.

I have been fortunate and have had doctors that listen and help me when I get stuck in a flare up, but this is a very lonely disease. I have been told many times that I'm not sick or its not as bad as I say. I have lost people and been "too much" for people. I feel like my illness pushes a lot of people away. I know its a lot to deal with because it still is for me. I often wish I could run away from all of this myself.

Gastroparesis takes a lot out of mental health as well. I had struggled with anxiety and depression before but it became way worse. I often felt like a burden to others because I was always so fatigued that completing tasks was hard. I often didn't get dressed or skipped a day for showers because I felt too sick. I still feel this way a lot of the time. I don't feel like I give enough time and energy to much of my life. I just do not have the ability to function as well as I wish.

I still continue to look at new studies and work with doctors to keep my gastroparesis in control. Flare ups still happen but I have found a lot more tips and tricks over the last 4 years. I am so grateful for all the people I have in my life who continue to help me through all these struggles. I decided to write this piece because August is gastroparesis awareness month. I hope sharing my story helps some others feel less alone and brings more awareness to our struggles. To all my fellow warriors out there; Keep fighting.