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Beautifully Broken

A Personal Journey

By Scarlett PricePublished 5 years ago 5 min read
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I am no different than you. 

Beautifully Broken

There are times when we need to break to find the light inside to shine like never before. Doctors' office and my hopes are high to get cleared to return to work. Weeks of passing out like those fainting goats. Seizures and bruises. Fear, panic, and those who care for me, watching helplessly as I go through something horrific. Iv drips, heart monitors, medications, catheterized, bed restrictions and feeling as if I was leaving this world.

I remember trying to visit with my son and having to remove myself from his eyes to witness his mother going through this. I remember coming to and being on the floor watching them take my baby back to his dad. Tears flowing from my hazel eyes, begging for a hug. Begging for just a moment with him, because I had missed him so much. Our time was cut short because his mom had fallen ill. I’m strong as many have been telling me, but my body is weak. I can’t fight this, no matter how hard I’m trying. Going on nine years of fighting for my health and it just keeps getting worse. Knocked down each time, discussions of a pacemaker and specialists but I still fight.

I fight for my son. My life is beautiful and I want it. I want to be his mom. I want to watch him grow up. I’ve been making hard decisions for his future and well being. Costing me tears and being away from him. I am on my own trying to make a life for him and be a better mom and person. I fix up his room and patiently wait for him to come home. For the moment we can make memories and put all this behind us.

The wait for the doctor to come in is excruciating. Unknowing if I can get back on track with everything and work. In and out of the emergency room, and being hospitalized consistently for passing out; twenty times approximately and having five seizures within a month. My heart rate and blood pressure stay low, it leaves me to question if I can recover from this. She enters the room and we discuss everything and just like that my world is upside down.

Overwhelmed and heartbroken. Truly broken unlike anything before. The news that I can no longer work until we can have a diagnosis and proper management of my condition. My driving privileges being taken, because of my safety as well as the safety of the strangers that would be on the road. That the hope of being reunited with my son has to be on hold. For my safety and his, that we will have to have someone with us while we visit. That at any moment I could pass out. That I could have a seizure and that’s too dangerous for my son with just me around. The same situation could happen if I’m behind the wheel. I can’t imagine being responsible for injuring someone else because of my health condition or even my son being hurt.

She directed me to go to the disability office. Disability has been discussed many times before during the start of all this. However, I was being told at a young age to apply. I’m one who has always worked and has goals for a career and such. I never imagined myself being on disability. It was last year that I was declared medically frail, which was never said before. My heart had felt like it deflated and I wanted to cry. To be in this position at this age. To not even know what is causing all of this because something has changed over the years.

She gave me hope that this could be temporary and maybe things could change. That I can get my health back and get off disability. To be reunited with my son without supervision. She also hit me with the hard truth that I may never be able to work again. Shortly after, I went to my counseling session. I see a therapist to help with my PTSD and depression. I’m human and my life isn’t perfect. It’s not shameful to see a therapist to better your mental health.

My therapist and my doctor both were devastated that my condition had got to this point. They had been supporting me through everything, knowing that I had it hard. Knowing that I was trying to remain strong and see the light amongst the darkness. My therapist asked me if she could pray with me. She knew we shared the same faith and I was overwhelmed with joy for her to pray with me. It was the most beautiful prayer said. Tears shed and a heartfelt hug. Those who have the same faith as you and can pray for you is the most beautiful gesture of a genuine soul.

She encouraged me to come work with them after my health sorts out as a Peer Counselor and asked me to advocate for the women at the Domestic Violence Shelter. I have been broken and crushed. I’ve been in this vortex of darkness, searching for the light. There comes a time in our lives, that we have to hit rock bottom, that we can find positive amongst the negative. To shine bright, there has to be darkness to encourage that. Every moment we have is precious. There is a reason for everything, even if we don't understand. We aren't meant to have all the answers. Sometimes, you need to be blind to enhance what is around you. I have a purpose and you have a purpose. Look around and appreciate what you have. Appreciate your health. You have one life, make it count.

We have to bend, lose something, break in the worst way, or have changes to become better. If we never face adversities then we won’t ever come out of the cocoon to become such a beautiful butterfly. Just hold on. Don’t ever stop fighting. Always desire for the best and learn that being broken is beautiful.

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About the Creator

Scarlett Price

I am a mom, and a domestic violence survivor. I love writing, reading, yoga, cake decorating and baking. I recently took up belly dancing. Writing is my passion and healing. Stay positive!

https://linktr.ee/mullinscasey

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