A Hard Pill to Swallow

I was diagnosed as being on the Autism Spectrum back in June 2018, after many years of medical misdiagnosis. Getting that diagnosis stating that all my perceived flaws of nearly 24 years were not actually faults was like a drink of cool water or a key opening a door.

I wish it had been that easy continuing on.

I walked out of the psychiatrist's office with a script for generic sertraline (I couldn't afford brand name Zoloft), and a spring in my step, only to fall flat on my face when I was told the medication would still cost me $100 for a month's supply.

2 in 5 autistic people have a co-occurring anxiety disorder, such as generalized anxiety or panic disorder.

The pharmacist clearly saw me dumbfounded and offered an awkward question about using my very non-existent drug plan. All I could do was shake my head and insert my debit card into the machine. Thank goodness it was payday.

85-90% of autistic people are unemployed or underemployed. Disabled people, including autistics, are twice as likely to live in poverty.

I spent a few months on the medication to not much avail, then went cold turkey when I wasn't getting many hours at work. I tried to ignore the anxiety and the exhaustion. I got into advocacy work to distract myself.

Nothing about us, without us.

I hit rock bottom again when my father passed away in January 2020 after a long battle with stage four lung cancer. I was a walking trainwreck for months following.

I couldn't bring myself to do laundry, I had meltdowns at work, I was pulling out my lashes and picking at my skin, and I was "visibly" autistic. I couldn't mask, or hide my traits, any longer. Then Covid-19 hit, only worsening things with the lack of social interaction as a coping method.

Autistic burnout is a phenomenon that occurs when autistic people are under sustained severe distress, such as trauma or being forced to use mental energy to pass as neurotypical. It is similar to depression, and often lasts weeks to year. Many lose or quit their jobs as a result of burnout.

I managed to get a phone consultation with my general practioner, asking him if aripiprazole (Abilify) would be worth trying for the mood swings and meltdowns I was experiencing. I knew my experiences with medication, and how they would never bring my father back, but I had to stop suffering. I was told that even generic at 2mg a day could costs hundreds of dollars a month, but he had some calls to make.

"I just got back from a call from the pharmacy. It's only $40 a month for generic. I'm writing you in for it. Autistic patients of mine have thrived."

Autism isn't a disease to be cured. Stigma, classism, and ableism are.