3 Ways You Can Be a Better Ally for Autistic People

April is Autism Awareness Month. Whilst in years passed, I saw many people support Autism Speaks, or puzzle pieces, or other misguided attempts to be allies, I have seen an increasing amount of autistic people and allies speak up for what autistic people really think about this kind of support. Many people now know that Autism Speaks is considered to be a hate group by many autistic people due to the harm they have done towards autistics and that many autistic people prefer identity first language (i.e. autistic person instead of person with autism).

In this post, I'd like to share some tips that I haven't seen around much or at all.

1. Be Kind to Everyone

No, I'm not all-lives-mattering this. Many people, especially younger women and girls, are undiagnosed and have autistic traits that they are shamed for. Many people who have been diagnosed choose to withhold their diagnoses from some or all of the people in their lives due to the existing stigma of being autistic, such a massive number of autistic people reporting that they were treated like babies and received baby talk after 'coming out'. Needless to say, there is a fairly large chance that people around you are on the spectrum without you knowing it.

"But if you told me you were autistic, I wouldn't care if you did x!"

A big problem with the above statement is most of these habits harm absolutely nobody and can crop up in people who aren't autistic or otherwise neuro-divergent, and therefore there is little to no real reason to care in the first place.

A personal example is that I hate showering. I still shower regularly, and I have never had a problem with body odour or hygiene. The second statement always follows the first closely, sometimes followed by an explanation that "if I had a magic spell to clean me, I would probably never shower again". I hate showering because I have sensory issues, but I love being clean. Yet it shouldn't matter why I hate it, because I haven't caused any issues to other people.

People with sensitive skin or rashes may hate it for the way it makes them feel physically. People with eating disorders or body image issues may hate it for the way they must look at themselves when naked. It is a common symptom of depression to not have the energy to shower. There are probably another half dozen reasons I could think of that involve people not wanting to shower, yet people will ridicule me unless I attach a reason (and even then I'm told to 'get over it').

Common responses are "well you don't know if you have BO issues, only others can tell you!" and yet not a single person has ever been able to tell me at the spot that I do, in fact, have body odour issues. Sometimes they insist that showering is so relaxing, that I must be doing it wrong. Other times they tell me that this is behaviour of teenage boys and I should grow out of it.

I want to reiterate, because from their responses it may seem that I do not shower: I do in fact shower. Nobody has an issue with my hygiene. They simply do not like the *idea* that I do not like showering, even though it has absolutely no consequences on their lives.

Whether I'm overstimulated by lights and music at a club or don't want to try out a new restaurant because I'm worried about my food sensitivities, there is no need for me to hand over my medical history to deserve kindness. A neuro-typical person could easily be tired that day or not like the flavour profile of the restaurant and they, as much as I, deserve kindness.

2. Assuming That Your Own Social Norms Intrinsically Make Sense

As with in 1, there are many reasons why habits you take as social norms may not make sense to others. As a woman of colour who is in some ways an outsider to Western culture as well as an autistic person, it can be incredibly hard for me to understand whether I'm simply having culture shock or facing a complication in my understanding due to my autism. Even within the same country, there are differing norms—in some cities it may be normal to be close friends with your neighbours, and in some cities it may be odd to even say hi to them. None of these are wrong.

Another example is this article by a hiring manager who refused to hire anyone who didn't send a thank you email. Many people responded that this was a classist idea—how would someone who grew up outside of this white collar norm know to do this? Other hiring managers responded that they would blacklist anyone who did send a thank you email as they were too busy to go through thousands of pointless emails. Going all or nothing in either direction is a sure way to exclude people who aren't able to read the room and switch norms easily.

In all cultures, norms help grease the wheels of understanding. A problem occurs when autistic people do not see the wheels and then try to walk the distance instead of just utilising this shortcut. An example of this is when a friend of a friend helped sponsor me to enter a society. I was hugely thankful and wrote a heartfelt thank you letter, but a few days later my friend panicked and asked if I had sent him a gift as a thank you. She thought that I would have known, my parents thought I would have intrinsically understood because my aunt had sent my other sponsor (a family friend) a bottle of wine. In my head, the family friend got the bottle of wine as a thank you because we were family friends, not because she had helped me. It was a simple miscommunication and in other situations, I've been berated for not picking up on it and not being observant enough, but thankfully in this case I was able to quickly resolve it once I understood the social wheels.

Many autistic people will also act upon social norms without really knowing why they exist, and I've been berated (bullied, really) for something as simple as pronouncing the word satin wrong (if you were to phonetically pronounce it, it should be pronounced the way satan is). As many autistic people will understand, I like rules! I can follow rules well! But many people will behave in frankly horrible ways just because people do not understand the deviations of rules and social norms. And again to reiterate my first point: there are so many reasons to be kind to people with different social norms besides autism. So be kind. It is not a moral failing to not understand things in the same way that you do.

3. Be Explicit

Ok, so now that you've understood the first 2 points, how can you incorporate this with your own communications with the autistic people in your life? Be explicit.

In the above example of the thank you gift, my friend was extremely explicit about what was needed and what social norm I had broken. It wasn't a mark against me, just a clear "you need to do x in response to y, you can fix it by doing z". Kind, clear, and simple. Easily fixed.

My classmates could have just gone, "it's pronounced sah-tin even though the phonetic rules indicate otherwise" and it could have been done and over in 15 seconds. Instead, they continued on for 15 minutes about how stupid I was for not knowing one pronunciation. Sure I learnt my 'lesson' but it's not kind, clear, or simple, just something to feel ashamed about.

One of the biggest frustrations I had was when I was given instructions because the adults around me expected me to pick up on things. For example, I would be told to say, 'find the charger' and I would bring the wrong one, because it wasn't explicitly said. I would then be told that I was being purposely stupid which in turn soured the relationships I had with the people around me. Had we been willing to have direct communications, I think I would have been categorised a lot less as a problem child.

Autism affects every facet of my life, as a daughter, friend, or employee. I have missed out on job opportunities by taking interview questions too literally and been told I'm rude for misunderstanding social norms. This Autism Awareness Month, extend a bit of grace and understanding to the people around you and you might find that they are able to flourish so much more as a result.

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