To All The Folks Who Say They Have The Perfect Morning Routine: I Call Bullshit

I don't meditate, I don't journal, and sometimes my first hour starts at 11 am.

I have to be honest. I'm not a morning person. So if I read another article about the importance of rising with the sun, yoga at the bedside, cold water immersions, or some other nether-worldy caca, I think I might just scream.

Just kidding. I'm not a screamer either.

I'll prolly just hit snooze and roll back over.

And for the tribe of you guys who call yourself writers (of which I'm a card-carrying member), there's another layer of regurgitated routines to deal with.

You know what I mean. Those overused tips on how to be more streamlined with your time.

So they bombard you with things like "try the Pomodoro technique, "…or "set a timer"…or even reading about how other writers structure their day. I'll share those with you later on. And it's all in the name of being a better, more efficient writer.

I mean, if Tim Ferriss and Stephen King can do it, why can't I right?

Well, newsflash, my ink-slinging brethren, you're not Tim or Stephen.

Neither am I, for that matter. I'm me. And you're you.

So toss all that new age garbage away.

Start fresh.

Go with what works best for you.

Take this, for example

My first hour of the day isn't the crack of dawn, I don't meditate, and I certainly don't journal before my day begins.

My first hour of the day is the hour after I wake up. Maybe it's 730am, and sometimes it's like 915am. And if my wife and I had a particularly robust night out, then my first hour won't start until I feel like it.

It could very well be at 11 am.

Meditate? Heck no. My preferred connection is prayer. Some say prayer=meditation, and if that works for you, then cool. I'm not trying to find my Chi. I'm looking to thank the good Lord for another day and to attack it hard.

Despite my counterintuitive approach and sometimes abrasive verbiage, I'm, at my core, a good Christian boy who hopes the almighty lets me in when that day comes.

And you know how I pray? With my iPhone and an app.

I can hear the goo-roo's collective gasp for air now.

I kid you not, my bewildered friend. After I've snoozed about 3–5 times, I reach right over and grab my iPhone. I'll flick that S.O.B on, thumb my nose at all the goody-goods who've already been up for two hours, and I scroll.

I mean, I sure as heck do want to see what went down on Insta overnight, and I'm not ashamed to say it.

If I was following the latest and greatest ex-spurt out there, I would then roll out of bed and do some yoga. You know, with the sun gleaming through the windows and the air being so pure. And of course, have my wife snap some pics for the socials, right?

Yeah. Nah.

My morning master is my bladder.

I get up and go pee. Mother nature has her particular way of pre-empting any type of woo-woo activities, so I hit the can. Then yoga?

Seriously?

It's coffee time bitches

Lots of it.

Bulletproof if we're getting technical. I mix some healthy fats, butter, and MCT oil to make my frothy morning brew, and it's something pretty dang special. And no, I don't stop at one cup.

I might go through three, and that's before I even crack my Mac or brush my chops.

So now it's time to work, right? Put all those fancy techniques into play? Bang out 500 words before the next hour?

Nope.

Now it's time for me to hit the crapper for some serious business

Look, I'm 2–3 cups of hot bean juice in at this point. Plus, my bowels are as regular as a German engineer and just as efficient as a Japanese bullet train.

Makes my wife jealous, if I'm being honest.

Side note: Why don't creators, writers, or whatever the new artsy-fartsy name of the day is, ever talk about this? They never seem to mention toilet time, and the fact is, for some folks, this is a sacred, and necessary, event.

But I digress…

Poop time is a sacrosanct part of my day.

The door gets closed and locked, the fan revs up, and yes, there's even a scented candle to set the mood. Sort of. It's not so much for the mood as it is for the fragrant onslaught.

Plus, I get to scroll my iPhone more.

Ok, ok, don't get all squeamish on me. Like you never go #2, and it's all lilacs and sea-breezed air, right? Then buckle up, creampuff, because I'm about to drop another bomb on you (no pun intended).

My wife sometimes takes her laptop to the cludgie with her and literally will start replying to emails.

What do ya think of them apples?

Told ya. I bet now you're strongly considering scrolling past this article. Either that or you're totally nodding your head and thanking sweet Jesus that you're not the only one who has a healthy Kraken release in the morning.

But it's too late.

You can't stop reading because it's all true. We're all real people doing real things and have real lives, and it rarely, if ever, falls in line with a perfect morning routine. Throw in a screaming kid or three, and you're lucky to stick to a "normal" pattern for even one day.

This. Is. Real. Life.

In fact, if I was to sum up my morning routine in one word, that word would be chaos.

For me, chaos is the routine I thrive in.

And I'm not ashamed to share it.

Oh, and before I forget. I promised you at the beginning that I'd share some super-duper writing efficiency tips to embed into your daily routine.

Ready?

1. Write every day, even if it's just for 20 minutes.

2. Create or use systems that help keep track of time.

3. Take breaks regularly and when necessary.

4. Set aside time each day to read over your work with fresh eyes.

5. Take care of your mind and body.

There is no need for me to expand; there are already 6,344 articles, blogs, whitepapers, Tweets, and Facebook posts about these things.

Go with chaos.

Be you.

Gotta go now. That 3rd cuppa jitter juice is ready to drive out the prairie dogs.

Peace.