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Times Change from Sad Funerals to Celebration Farewells

Tips from Funeral Director on 'end of life' process and how she's planned her own life's celebration.

By Scales of WisdomPublished 4 years ago 11 min read
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Personalised coffins are a beautiful tribute in saying goodbye.

I left the Funeral industry last year, with a sad heart. My time was up. I had educated many families and assisted them through some of their darkest hours all whilst experiencing the many different kinds of funerals, nationalities and customs. For many families it was their first time of going through this farewell process. So I'm passing on my tips so you are part-prepared when you are faced with having to arrange a farewell for your loved one (or for yourself)

1. Slow down when your loved one dies

When a loved one passes, it can come as a shock, just how much you do and don't know about the process in front of you. Whether you are expecting the passing or not, there is a lot to learn and understand about what's ahead for you and your loved one. Having a Funeral Director that you trust is vital to how the following hours, days and weeks transpire...

Firstly it's the transfer of the loved one from home/hospital to the Funeral Home morgue. Then comes the decision around what your loved one would have wanted. Take your time to decide because when families are faced with too many decisions too early this can cause incorrect decisions to be made, when you have time to think about what's right for your loved one, you'll make the right decisions. Don't feel pressured to act quickly.

So - What to do first? I always suggest to spend time with your loved one if you feel you need to. Take all the time you need. It really depends on where loved one has passed, depends on what you will need to do first.

If at home: the first thing to do, when you are ready, is contact the Funeral Home. If there is a pre-arranged funeral plan in place, the Funeral Home of choice will be listed on those documents. If not, then reach for the phone book or search the internet to find a local Funeral Home. A company that has earned the community's respect to take care of your loved one.

Then you need to call the Funeral Home and ask them to transfer your loved one from where they have passed and they will then care for your loved one at the Funeral Home's morgue. A Funeral Director will be calling you shortly afterwards to make arrangement to visit with you, or you with them. Don't rush, take as much time as you need to... making decisions the day of or the day after someone passes is a lot of pressure and one that can wait a few days. You can (of course) change your mind on most decisions. You can even change Funeral Homes if you wish to, simply advise the new Funeral Home of your wishes.

MythBuster: you do not have to have a funeral within three days of someone passing.

If in Hospital: If your loved one passes in the hospital, they will be transferred directly to the hospital morgue. You will have to chose a Funeral Home if not already decided and the Funeral Directors of that Funeral Home will come to the Hospital to transfer your loved one to take your loved one into their care. You will then meet with Funeral Director to make necessary arrangements (as above).

If in Nursing Home: These days when your loved one is welcomed at a Nursing Home you need to provide details of a chosen Funeral Home. When your loved one passes, that Funeral Home is contacted and Funeral Directors will transfer your loved one to their morgue. You will then meet with a Funeral Director to make necessary arrangements (as above).

Outdoor: And lastly, if loved one passes in an accident outside of home/hospital/nursing home, the Funeral Home (under police contract) will be contacted by the local police and your loved one will be transferred to the Hospital morgue.

2. The Sad Side of Funerals

There are many sad emotions when our loved one dies.

The thought of being apart from your loved one is excruciating; that you are never going to see them again, hold them again, or that you never got a chance to discussed their wishes with them.

When I would meet a family for the first time it was usually just after their loved one had passed. I'd be there with my colleague, our van and we'd transfer their loved one away... there needed to be a lot of reassuring, as it was a sincere time, of deep compassion and empathy for their loss. I needed to help them understand that all was going to be as Ok as I could make it for them.

The saddest times for me were making funeral arrangements for those too young to die, or had unexpectedly taken their own lives. Sitting with a family who just don't have the answers (as to why) is so difficult, I learned that silence is sometimes all that they needed from me - to just be present for them. It certainly made me appreciate all that I have, all that I was grateful for, all whilst trying to understand a smallest percentage of how they could possibly be coping at this time.

Grief arrives in all shapes and sizes and at all different times. We all experience our own sadness and grief. I would often remind families that just because Uncle George appears to be fine, doesn't mean he is and that we needed to be gentle with all family and friends because grief is a individual experience.

Sitting with family/friends to make arrangements and complete the necessary paperwork, I would be there as Funeral Director, educator and friend. It was my role to help them through. Although it was sad, I was (almost always) able to find the time and place to have a bit of a joke that would put a smile on their faces and sometimes even managed a laugh... it concreted our relationship and built massive trust.

3. Or don't have a funeral...

Don't have a funeral! What? Everyone has a funeral, right? Wrong! It's becoming more and more popular not to have a traditional funeral. Funerals can be sad and difficult for those of us left behind. Many people are opting to have a 'celebration of life'... a less formal gathering, a party, or a BBQ while their loved one is there with them in spirit.

A traditional funeral can seem rushed and impersonal - this might be exactly what you want, but if not, then read on...

Or what about a scattering... enjoy a picnic on the side of the river/beach/out to sea in a favourite outdoor setting where your ashes are scattered in remembrance of you... (council permits may be required).

I'm choosing a celebration party... to celebrate the wonderful life I've had the opportunity to surround my family and friends with things I love... great music, adventure photos & videos, my favourite colours, favourite foods... and have guests participate in stories and good-times they shared with me.

There are more and more alternatives becoming available than the traditional funeral. Seek them out and have a think, have the conversation... it's OK to talk about your end of life plans... letting those close to you know your wishes can ensure they celebrate your life, just the way you wanted.

Always consider our environment. Please resist the urge to release balloons (not even the bio-degradable brands). These do massive damage to our land life and sea life. Consider more friendly options like bubble blowers, candles, float a flower or plant a tree. No Balloon Release

The only thing you will need is a coffin. Both burial and cremation requires you to arrive in a coffin that is plastic lined... Don't spend thousands of dollars, ask for a cheap particle-board/MDF coffin that is cost effective especially if suitable if the coffin is not going to be on display at a funeral or if it is, ask to have it draped it in fabric or a flag.

4. PrePaid / Bonds / PreArrange your funeral & Your Will

Want to SAVE money on your funeral? It's easy - pre-plan your funeral. There are different ways to do this; PrePaid, PreArrange or Bonds are all good. All of these are held in trust by your Funeral Home of choice and a third party Insurance provider secures the funds. By law the Funeral Home is not permitted to hold the money. Be sure to read the fine print, take your time, don't feel pressured. This is locked in with the Funeral Home of your choice however if you do move interstate, you can arrange for it to be transferred. Please note, these are not the same as Funeral Insurance!

PreArrange : You can pre-arrange your funeral at any time. You can simply take a notebook and write down your wishes. Let your loved ones know where your notebook is (suggest you leave it with your important documents) and let them know what to do when it's time to arrange your funeral. These can also be documented and filed at the Funeral Home alongside your prepaid or funeral bond documents.

PrePaid : allows you to lock in your funeral at today's price. Simple. Pay today, live for 5, 10 or 20 years and the funeral is locked at today's price. The average cost of a funeral doubles every ten years... imagine what you could save... But, not all areas can be covered (eg. food), but most are... so a huge savings! Benefit to you and the Funeral Home who has guaranteed your future business.

Funeral Bond : This is a good way to put some money aside for your funeral. You can put a lump sum (suggested up to $20,000) into a funeral bond and it stays in trust accumulating interest for you. This money does not need to be declared as an asset to most institutions.

Your Will : Your will is your wishes - and what is to happen with your estate after your passing. A will is normally read out after the funeral, so be sure to include any funeral plans separate to your will.

5. Busting the Biggest Myth

There are many myths around the funeral industry. The biggest one that I constantly heard was that coffins are recycled. Definite MYTH.

Coffins are not recycled. By industry standards, the NSW requirement is that every body needs to arrive at the crematorium or cemetery in a coffin fully plastic lined. The coffin is then placed into the ground, or into the cremator.

I loved my time spent with families. It was a real privileged role that I will never forget... here are some of my memories...

Behind the scenes!

So we at a small suburban church with a small adjoining cemetery. The grave was only a short stroll from the church. After the service we placed the coffin into the hearse and I drove carefully between the old graves.

We explained to the pallbearers that they will need to watch their steps as they follow me over and place the coffin on the steel bars currently placed horizontally across the grave. So off we go.

The priest goes first, the space is so tight, the pallbearers are right behind, guests come around behind us. The priest goes passed the grave and accidentally kicks the steel bar into the grave! oh NO!

The pallbearers place the coffin on an angle slightly across the grave, all is ok, my colleague "Pete" and I get the straps in place for lowering! When it comes time the coffin is lowered, the coffin goes down and stops as it is leaning up against the (now diagonal) bar inside the grave... lucky it is head end up!

After most of the guests left for refreshments, "Pete" decides to lean into the grave to retrieve the bar. He can not reach it, so I grab onto his belt that holds his trousers and lean back to counter-balance him from going in any further! Still no luck.

Then a younger male guest suggested he have a go. So I do the same, grab hold of his belt and help lower him into the grave. His mum’s there and says ‘Don’t let go of him, he’s a good one!’ We all laugh and the bar is knocked out far enough for the coffin to sit flat on the bottom of the grave. Phew! Happy family!

All in a day on the job!

and another memory I'll cherish forever...

Today we farewell a cheerful 97 year old who wanted to pass away on her birthday coz she said no one remembers the day you die. Her prayer was answered and she passed on her birthday, I wonder how she did it. Another beautiful soul that was amongst us - So long Jessie girl.

NSW Funeral Industry 2018-19 .

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About the Creator

Scales of Wisdom

obvious life mentor, coach, designer, mother, wife, soul sister, friend and acquaintance...realising it's “time to shine”, 😊 enjoy a life of abundance & freedom 💕 + love to help you, let’s chat today www.michellespringett.com

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