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This Conversation Tip Will Blow People's Minds

It’s transferable to the workplace — examples included

By Malky McEwanPublished 2 years ago 6 min read
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This Conversation Tip Will Blow People's Minds
Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

Have you ever sat around a dinner table and wondered what to say?

Some people are naturally good at small-talk, they bounce in with their personal stories and everyone listens. Then there are the quiet ones, like me, who get interrupted and talked over. Good news — it’s okay to be a listener and with this little tip I picked up from my super-smart friend, people will think you are super-smart too.

“It’s the quiet ones you have to watch out for.” — George Carlin.

Okay, he was talking about serial killers, but it is possible to be a scene killer, the surprise package, all it takes is a little research.

My friend, Joe, is the quiet type. He doesn’t say much, but he listens with intent. He focuses on the conversation, gives good eye contact, smiles and laughs. Invariably, he gets asked his opinion and each time he rattles off an obscure piece of knowledge and never fails to impress.

What Joe does, he told me, is before any meeting he researches the burning topic of the moment. As we come out of lockdown, for example, in any get together the discussion will undoubtedly come around to the pandemic. Joe has an unusual line of thought, he comes at it from an angle and he’ll have a little known fact or tale ready to tell.

“What do you think, Joe, how long before the world goes back to normal after this pandemic?”

“That’s an interesting question, every pandemic in the past has had a long-lasting effect. This won’t be any different and it could be something we might not think of, I mean the Black Death is the reason we have surnames.”

And that sets up Joe to tell us about his research.

Joe’s tale

The Black Death is the reason we have surnames. Before that, the Normans were the first to use them, but they were mostly for rich people. You couldn’t buy a Ferrari back then so the rich used their family name to show off who they were descended from.

If you belonged to a small group you didn’t need a surname. Nobody in your family calls you by your surname — not unless you are in trouble.

When small tribes of hunter-gatherers settled to become farmers, they still didn’t need surnames. The peasants lived their entire lives in a small village. It would be unusual for two people to have the same name. If your next-door neighbour was called Kevin, you’d avoid calling your newborn Kevin too, wouldn’t you?

Even if there were two Kevins it would be easy to differentiate them.

“Dad, Kevin just stole our turnip.”

“Which one?”

“I dunno, all turnips look the same to me.”

“No, I mean young Kevin or old Kevin?”

“Young Kevin… the turnip stealer.”

The Black Death was the most fatal pandemic in human history. It wiped out 30 to 50 per cent of Europe’s population and there weren’t enough people to work the land anymore. So to stop the harvest rotting in the fields, landowners offered to double the workers’ pay. People followed the money and moved around more.

It became much more common that you were going to need to distinguish yourself from other people with the same name. Hence, within 50 years, pretty much everyone in Europe had a surname.

After enthralling us with his knowledge, Joe settles back into his chair, quietly listening to the discussions around the table and everyone thinks — Joe is one super-smart cookie.

It’s a neat trick at work too

In the twilight of my police career, they asked me to attend more and more meetings. No matter the agenda, I remembered Joe’s tip and always did a little research beforehand.

I was asked to attend a meeting to discuss the knife crime problem in our area. We’d seen a 300% increase in knife crime in March compared to the previous March. The chief inspector in charge had taken a holistic approach and invited partner agencies to the meeting.

There was a great deal of postulating. The meeting was jam-packed with people full of their own importance, each with a fondness for hearing the sound of their own voice, and those voices said nothing but management-speak. Chief Inspector Chumley asked me my opinion.

“Inspector McEwan, you’ve been quiet. What do you think we can do about the knife crime problem in your area?”

“We don’t have a knife crime problem.”

“With a 300% increase in knife crime since last year, I think you have a problem. That is the largest increase in the force. My area reduced its knife crime by 5 % in the same period.”

“Well, last March we had one incidence of knife crime, this year it was three. And those three incidents all related to domestic incidents involving cutlery. There were no injuries in two of the incidents and the third was a minor cut to the hand suffered by the guy who was using the knife. Chief Inspector Chumley, your area had 20 incidents the previous March and 19 this March. Of those, three were serious injuries and eight were minor.”

They expected me to know about the crimes in my area, but by doing a little research I took the heat off me and set a fire under Chief Inspector Chumley’s chair.

Know your guest

All good interviewers do it. Howard Stern, David Letterman, and Oprah Winfrey all do their research before they sit down with their guests. We expect them to know all about their interviewee. That’s their job.

It is not your job to know all about your colleague, your boss, your employee or the couple you are going to meet for the first time at your cousin’s wedding — you know, at the oddball table. But a little research can go a long way.

Knowing your colleague was the guy who sold the most photocopiers last year isn’t groundbreaking, but he’ll love you for mentioning it.

Citing a paragraph from the book your boss wrote is going to make him listen to you as someone with discerning tastes.

Knowing what school your employee’s kids go to will score you 5-star stickers in your playbook.

Knowing the oddball couple are the bride’s aunt and uncle, where they live, and what hobbies they like are all conversation starters.

Takeaway

People remember people who come up with unusual or little known snippets of knowledge — do your research.

People listen to people who have an interesting or humorous story to tell — do your research.

People like talking about themselves and when you help them to do that they love you for it — do your research.

Final snippet

Despite not having a knife crime problem in my area, Chief Inspector Chumley and our partners spouted management speak for two hours and decided it wouldn’t do any harm to do something anyway — they had a budget to burn. They arranged for chalk stencils to be drawn on the pavements all over my town. These read: ‘No Knives, Better Lives.’

They acclaimed it a great success when our knife crime reduced by 33% by the following March — it was about that time I retired.

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About the Creator

Malky McEwan

Curious mind. Author of three funny memoirs. Top writer on Quora and Medium x 9. Writing to entertain, and inform. Goal: become the oldest person in the world (breaking my record every day).

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