That One Time I Beat the Races With the Hairdo System

Author's Note: This is a lightly revised diary entry from 2017. Please be aware that this gambling system never worked again. Nope. Not once. Do not use it in an attempt to make money. This story is for entertainment purposes only. If it makes you smile, it did its job.

So we were invited to one of those afternoon parties at the track where you get free vouchers to gamble on the horses. I was given 12 $2 tickets, while hubby-- yay, misogyny-- was given 12 $5 tickets. Either way, we're not talking VIP comps at Caesar's Palace.

And yet some of the other party-goers headed over to immediately cash out for the not-so-big bucks.

C'mon. You gotta have more gamble in you than that. Or at least I do. Besides, I had an advantage over those other clowns-- a degenerate past. Here was a rare opportunity to show off my hard-earned knowledge of the ponies. If I could only remember that knowledge...

On the first race, I just made a small $2 bet while I tried to recover lost memories. Seeing a horse with its mane styled, I recalled this good old boy's voice from back in the day:

"That one is ready to have its picture taken."

"There's the winner," I tell hubby.

He shook his head. "Studies have shown that you have positive expected value [EV] betting the favorite."

In English, that means, favorites are more likely to win. Well, yeah. That's why they're the favorite.

So what? The track knows that too. And I don't wanna contradict "studies," but there's no way you have positive EV betting favorites after you account for the track's cut.

On the other hand, happy hubby, happy life. So I put my first $2 on the horse of his choosing and stand back.

Seconds before the betting's closed, a bunch of money piles on the hairdo horse – making it the new favorite. It wins, and we lose.

Told you so.

On the second race, there was no hairdo tell, so I just picked a horse to show at random, which I figured gave me three ways to win.

My horse won. Winner, winner, chicken dinner, as the dice guys always say.

By the way, for anyone who doesn't know, your winnings automatically appear back on your ticket once the results are official. Scan it into the machine, and the virtual bean-counters can tell you instantly where you stand.

So anyway, I cash out half the ticket and bet the other half, since I figure I should keep back money from each winner, or what's the point? The third race features another hairdo horse, and nobody's talking me out of betting it this time.

This horse wins too, and I'm now holding back $45 in winnings.

In the fourth race, the horse only had its hair done partway, so I wondered if they thought it was gonna win, and then something happened to make them lose heart. I bet it to show, and I won a little something.

In the fifth race, the favorite was an ugly gray splotchy horse. Hubby doggedly bet the ugly horse, and I bet another hairdo horse. My horse showed, so I got a little, and his horse won, so he-- finally!-- had a winner.

Everybody's happy except the sixth race stinks. Sure, there was a hairdo horse but he started poorly and only moved up to finish fourth. The momentum was changing. I could just smell it.

At this point, I still had $14 left in unused vouchers, while hubby had $10. I gave him $2 and now we had $12 apiece. Aren't I the best?

"Let's put it all on the seventh race and then see if we can get back to the house before dark," I said. Yep, I'm definitely the best-- the best at ducking early out of parties anyway.

The favorite horse in this race was also the one with the styled hairdo. So both systems say to bet that horse. It's another ugly gray horse though. I hate to bet a gray horse. But a system is a system, and it's all party money, right? We're holding back our winnings and just betting what's left of the vouchers.

So we both follow our systems, with the hubster betting the $12 to win while I bet mine to show on the same hideous mount. I should bet him to win too but I flat-out don't like the looks of the beast. So sue me.

Well, he romps in first. Hubby and I both cash out winners, although he gets a lot more since he correctly picked the pony to win instead of making that wimpy little show bet.

Results: Starting stronger but ending more wimpily, I ran my $24 in vouchers up to $66 in cash. Hubby's $60 in vouchers ended up as $58 in cash because of his two late wins making up for his poor start. Go, us.

If you enjoyed this tiny adventure from my gambling days, gently tap the <3 button. Tips gratefully accepted.