Setting Boundaries

We all need boundaries; boundaries are just another way of saying how are limits are set, the rules of our lives. What is that we will tolerate, how much disrespect will put up with before snap. So, what is the bar or the standards you are setting for those who chose to come into your life. Without boundaries life is can become chaos, meaningless with no central story or narrative.

Setting boundaries for those close to us can be hard, the idea of keeping to a certain set of rules that someone else doesn’t want to follow can be trigger insecurities. So here is the reason that boundaries are so important, often those who cannot respect boundaries set by others may not have boundaries of their own, or the bar is not high enough because of their insecurities, the fear of being alone or failing.

Boundaries are the principles we choose to live by and standards we set for those around us. The hardest part is sticking to them when others are doing something that looks far better, as this can make you feel that your own bar is set too high. The easier version comes along and temps you; we have to remember that there is nothing to stop from changing or choosing not to live the standard we set, maybe we have someone who allows us to break away from our high standards for a night. This doesn’t necessarily mean that person doesn’t respect you, on the contrary, they respect you enough that they make you feel safe to put that guard down, to have fun without fear of going completely off the rails, these people are usually our best friends and family.

But by maintaining your boundaries is showing others the level you want them to rise too, and the respect you demand. So, if you give in or fail to uphold your standards then it will be hard for others to give you the level of respect you demand. But we can adjust boundaries for individuals who continually cross lines that we set or have shown themselves to be untrustworthy. Everyone makes mistake, if someone crosses your boundary once it’s their mistake, twice its a lesson for you and any more than that it’s you that’s the problem. You are making the choice to allow them to cross the line.

By altering your boundaries for someone who has crossed them once shows maturity, in that you are willing to keep that person in your life, but you will behave differently, and they will only be allowed very controlled measure of you when you choose to give. It’s usually the nicest people that will do this, but they make small adjustments which are not noticed until it’s too late, simply because of the amount of grace and forgiveness that comes from them outwardly.

On a personal level my own boundaries are strict, they are linked to my own work ethics and the way I treat people. But the temperament I have when people cross the boundaries is way higher than most. So, there can often be this mistake that I must be such a nice person that I’m not going to deal with things.

You see most people know when they have crossed the line and see their mistake and try to make amends. But every once in while you’ll come across individuals that don’t just cross the boundary once, but they choose to keep doing it as a way to test you. I will always look at the intention of a person’s actions. If I think they are deliberately crossing my boundary as an attention seeker, then I will just ignore the action, as often they will just get bored, also I know that if I make any kind of fuss then they will just continue to try and wind me up, like a child to a parent.

However, if what the individual is doing will bring harm to me, others, themselves or damage the integrity of a team I will step in and reprimand, above that I’m happy to ignore them until they can act a little more mature and have the basics of respects for those around them. By the time I do feel the need to deal with individuals’ things have usually gone so far that they have nowhere to go accept to admit their actions knowing that potentially it has damaged the relationship between us.

But boundaries are not just about our personal life, we need them in the workplace too. Sometimes the boundaries we set here are higher. When you start a new business, are you able to work within set hours or do you feel the need to answer every enquiry as it comes through, whatever time it is? When you go on holiday do you take the laptop and work phone with you or can you leave them at home?

It’s important that as an owner of a business you still have rest time, family time and holidays. Your customers are human just like you so there should be no reason why they wouldn’t understand this. Setting yourself hours of business tells customers when you are available for immediate contact is the start of a healthy work life balance, but if they chose to contact you outside of those hours then they will have to leave a message.

We all have the friend who will call, message and even turn up on the door step all hours of the night and day. It’s usually the same person that the end of party doesn’t know how to take hints that’s the party is over. Most people we encounter understand boundaries, they understand when you tell them you are available any time, that ‘any time’ has boundaries.

The other side to this is being a ‘yes’ person. That’s the kind of person that says yes to everything that is asked of them, but then becomes so overwhelmed and achieves little. It’s often insecurities that make us become like this, learning to say no is important. Know your own limits, be content with not having others around. If you are starting out in the business world you, then have solid hours of business. When the business day ends, ensure it does end, if the phone rings or an email comes through outside of those hours it’s left until the next working day.

Boundaries are all part of self-care, no one can look after you more than yourself. If you run your own business you need to ensure that you are always in good health, as you won’t get sick pay nor will you anyone else run then business while you are off sick.

Set boundaries, keep to them, let other rise to your standard and be content with your company sometimes, happiness is not found in others, but in ourselves.