Niceness in Ten Almost Painless Steps

Because those who can’t do, teach.

And that would be me so, here we go kids.

Offer Compliments

Rule Number One. People love to hear how awesome they are. So, in your quest to be nice, try to find something commendable about everyone is your orbit, even if they are the biggest bungholes to ever roam the planet. Yes, I know that’s not nice, but you’re the one trying to earn the halo here, not me.

Like I was saying, sometimes you’ll have to do a little digging. You may find yourself having to say things like, “dude, those are the most amazing hospital corners I’ve ever seen!” with a straight face.

No-one said this was going to be easy.

Show Interest

Most people are self-centered jerks, so showing interest in others is a calling card of the Nice. Notice I didn’t say the genuinely nice. That’s about as rare as a unicorn turd.

In any case, the ability to even feign interest in what another human being is doing puts you above 99% of the human race, so congratulations. Even if your eyes are glazing over as your friend/spouse/sibling/parent/captor is excitedly sharing their interest/kink/recipe/weird rash/new restraints with you, the fact that you will put forth the effort to appear interested is proof that you, my friend, are indeed nice.

Have a cookie. Over there.

No Judgment

Truly nice people don’t judge — they offer support. They are there for people no matter how willfully — and repeatedly — stupid they are. They pat their friends on the back and say “there, there,” when what they really want to do is backhand the dumb shit for being such a moron.

The Nice smile wisely and serenely and offer time-tested wisdom such as “things happen for a reason” and “it wasn’t meant to be.” Then they die of heart attacks or cancer at age 60 from suppressing their feelings and dealing with others people’s idiocy for the better part of their lives. But their funerals are usually packed, so they got that going for them.

Offer Help

For nice people, offering help is second nature. For the rest of us, it’s something we only do occasionally, and usually under duress. Help one old lady across the street back in 1999 and you think you deserve the Medal of Honor.

Get over yourself already. When was the last time you volunteered at a nursing home? Or even said hello to your grumpy old neighbor who lives alone? Yeah. I thought so. Your halo needs some polishing there, pal. What? Hey, we’re not talking about my life here, buddy. This isn't about me, it’s about you.

Be Polite

Everyone appreciates a person who exhibits good manners. For example, it’s considered much more proper to say, “would you PLEASE cease fucking speaking, as the sound of your voice is comparable to fingernails screeching down a blackboard,” than “would you cease fucking speaking, as the sound of your voice is comparable to fingernails screeching down a blackboard.” Nice people realize how vitally important it is to not offend.

Be Kind

Nice people are almost always kind people. They are not going to see an overweight person in a tight shirt and make a Michelin Man joke. They probably wouldn’t even laugh at it. They most definitely wouldn’t loudly guffaw and snort Pepsi out their nose. I’m pretty sure of that.

Nice people do not feel the need or the desire to cut other people down for their own amusement because there’s nothing good on T.V. They have much better things to do with their time and energy. I myself have no idea what these things are because I’ve always hung around with jerks.

Follow Through

This is key. Nice people follow through on their commitments. Unless they are on their deathbeds, nice people don’t flake. When they make plans, they intend to be there, unlike the less conscientious among us who are more apt to “forget.”

And when the lesser among us disappoint them, they are, of course, quite understanding of our disregard for their feelings and schedule. And they’re still OK with it when we do it again. And again. And again. Are you sure you want to be nice?

Forgive Quickly

Holding grudges is something that nice people just don’t do. If forgiving and forgetting was an Olympic sport, those guys would always bring home the gold. It’s like their Thing. In all seriousness though, I think the ability to let things go and move on is truly a superpower. If they could bottle this gift and distribute it to the masses, I’d be first in line.

Here’s one to keep you awake tonight — are some people nice because they don’t hold grudges, or do they not hold grudges because they are nice? That’s the real question.

Lend a Hand

Volunteering is tailor-made for nice people. Think about it — you get to work your butt off — for free! It’s almost as thankless a task as parenting! If it wasn’t for genuinely nice, unselfish people, charitable organizations would be in serious jeopardy.

Be forewarned though — if you are simply being nice for show, volunteering is not for you. This is strictly for those who truly have kind hearts, not showboats who merely wish to present the illusion of being good people. You know, like you.

Inner Monologue

What’s the easiest way to be nice? Learn to tune into your inner monologue. That way, when the jerks around you are needlessly flapping their cakeholes, which will be most of the time, you’ll have a way to shut them out. You can just nod and smile, nod and smile.

But you won’t, because you’re nice. You’ll actually listen, respond, and most importantly, give an actual fuck. On behalf of all the jerks in the world, I’d like to thank you for that. Because we just can’t pull that shit off, and somebody’s got to do it.