Lifehack logo

I Learned Planning a Funeral is Supposed to be a Somber Event

If they want serious, they should not ask stupid questions

By Brenda MahlerPublished 4 years ago 5 min read
Like
Photo by julio andres rosario ortiz on Unsplash

My husband and I are responsible adults, at least we like to thing this is true. Recently, we decided to relieve our children of the burden of planning our funerals, so we scheduled a meeting with a funeral preplanning director to become informed. Believing we could adult when necessary, we dressed in conservative clothing, meaning there were no holes in our shorts; we wore stylish sandals instead of flipflops, and my husband even took off his baseball cap. We began the meeting on a positive, respectful note.

After 40 years of marriage, Randy and I agreed that we will be cremated and interned together in one vault. At least that was the plan when the meeting started.

Then we witnessed the power of euphemisms: departed, passed away, expired, and perished. I glanced at my husband knowing he wanted to crack a joke, but we held it together, at first. However, some questions we simply could not address in a serious manner. She acted like someone had actually died.

Q: So, you wish to be cremated. Do you wish to share a vault or have your own?

A: Whichever is cheaper, but we’ve been sleeping in the same bed for so long now together is fine.

Q: When you are cremated, you have several decisions. Would you like to be naked or have a pillow and blanket supplied at the price $180.00.

Cough. Pause to gain composure.

A: $180.00? I think it will be plenty hot in there so no blanket is needed.

Q: We offer a choice of container to hold the body during the process. Would you like a cardboard box or a sturdier vessel made of wood?

A: Which is cheaper? If it is going to be incinerated with our bodies, Go with the less expensive.

Q: Would you like anyone to be present during the process?

A: You are kidding? No, nobody needs to be present. Gawd, no.

Q: Would you like the remains be placed in a plastic receptacle like this? Or would you prefer a nice metal coffer?

She handed us a box that reshaped itself to the pressure of our hands.

A: I imagine the plastic one is cheaper so let’s do that.

When she discovered no couples’ vaults were available in the area we requested, we were offered two vaults.

Q: Would you like to be beside each other or one on top and the other below?

Now she offered us the set up for the perfect joke. There were so many great responses, so I gently kicked Randy under the table as a signal to not go there, remain appropriate. He managed to remain PG.

A: I like it better on top.

I elaborated.

A: It might be easier to be placed side-by-side.

With each of our responses, the nice lady grew a little stiffer and more formal. She seemed to take the topic of death way more serious than either of us. In our minds a business transaction was occurring.

After answering all the questions, the lady with a limited sense of humor, handed us two pieces of paper titled, “Funeral Cost Estimate” and “Cemetery Estimate.” At this point we became the questioners, and she supplied the answers or looked down at the floor and shuffled her feet.

Q: We assume the basic services plan that is listed for $2375.00 would be times two since we are planning for both of us. She shook her head and whispered, “Yes.” So, what is included in the basic service plan?

She shuffled to the back of the booklet on the table and pointed out the list of amenities. Upon reading the list, I noticed most of the items had something to do with meeting, planning, and coordinating which seemed to describe the current event which made this an extremely expensive meeting. I started wondering if we could leave without a bill. The final line provided the true information. “In addition, this fee includes a proportionate share of basic overhead costs.”

Next item on the list was a charge 0f $295.00 for cleaning and sanitizing the body. My husband told me later he wouldn’t even pay that much for sex, but we both moved on without comment.

Q: I notice there is a fee of $795.00 for refrigeration and $395 for cremation services. What does that entail?

A: Just the basic price for the process.

Q: There are two fees that seem to overlap, transfer of the deceased $525.00 and hearse services for $395.00. We are being cremated so there will be a small container and the vault is across the street. Could we simply walk to the area?

A: That is the customary procedure. We charge a base price. It’s less expensive to purchase the package deal.

Q: And the family limousine, $150.00, can they walk?

A: Again, it’s all part of the packet.

She seemed to be looking at her feet often, and eye contact had significantly decreased. The nice lady didn’t like our questions, and we didn’t like her answers.

Q: I see the total price is $5,255.00 for the basic package deal and since there are two on us that is doubled to $10,510. Is that correct?

A: Yes

When Randy picked up the second page, I glanced over his shoulder. As my mind registered the additional sum of the cemetery costs, $3,642.20, I knew the time had arrived to end our meeting — before one of us said what we were thinking. We explained we had to think about all this information and would contact her if we choose to proceed. My husband even stated he enjoyed meeting with her. However, I knew his pleasure existed in the humorous material he collected to entertain our friends.

how to
Like

About the Creator

Brenda Mahler

Travel

Writing Lessons

Memoirs

Poetry

Books AVAILABLE ON AMAZON.

* Lockers Speak: Voices from America's Youth

* Understanding the Power Not Yet shares Kari’s story following a stroke at 33.

* Live a Satisfying Life By Doing it Doggy Style explains how humans can life to the fullest.

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2024 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.