How to Stop Worrying About Making People Like You

I once heard a British actor railing against his perception that Americans have a need to be liked. He implied that he didn’t care if people liked him or not. In fact, most of the world felt the way he did and only Americans had this desire that people like them.

I don’t necessarily believe the assertion on the surface; I think most people would rather be liked than disliked. I also don’t subscribe to any theory that says in effect, all of this group of people are like this and all of that group is like that. That’s prejudicial at best and racist at worst.

But, I can understand the idea at a more theoretical level. After all, a need to be liked stems from feelings of inadequacy or low self-esteem. And no matter what else you can say about America or Americans, we are the kids in the room. Among societies that are hundreds, if not thousands of years old, our paltry 244 years makes us teenagers at best.

Awkward, poorly dressed, sometimes loud and obnoxious teenagers.

But, I digress.

What is it that gives some people this deep-seated desire for others to like them? It clearly doesn’t affect everyone. Look around any group of people and you can spot those who obviously couldn’t care less if you like them. Is that braggadocio, apathy, or self-confidence. Do you actually want to be like them? Or are you one of those that want people to like them?

First, I think it’s important to separate a desire to be liked from a need to be liked. The first could just mean you are a friendly, affable person; someone who’s pleasant to be around and wants others to be like them. The second most likely stems from some oppressed childhood trauma or neglect. You think you weren’t liked or loved as a child, so you spend your adult life seeking that adulation. If it’s a want, that’s easily dealt with. A need is more deeply rooted and may require therapy to overcome.

But let’s assume you are tired of the struggle of seeking approval. Look around that same room and turn it around for a minute. Do you like everyone there? Probably not, nobody likes everybody. The ones you don’t like, how do you feel about them? Is it dislike or just apathy. Is your apathy truly indifference, or perhaps you just don’t know them. How do you like or dislike someone you don’t know? But you think others should like you whether they know you or not.

When I was in high school, I knew a girl that always rushed to the cafeteria at lunchtime. She wanted to be the first one there or as close to it as she could manage. Thinking she must be very hungry, one day, I offered her a snack so she wouldn’t have to run to the lunchroom.

She told me that it wasn’t that she was hungry, she just didn’t like walking into a crowded room. I asked why not and she said, “Because I know everyone is looking at me.” I laughed. No one has ever accused me of being sensitive. She looked a little hurt and asked what was so funny. I told her, “You’re not that important.”

That didn’t seem to make it any better, so I quickly explained. “Are you that egotistical? Do you believe you are so important that hundreds of kids are going to stop what they are doing and look up just because you walked into the room?” Once she got over being hurt and thought about it, she brightened up. “Oh my God, I never thought about it that way.”

After that, she no longer worried about being first.

And that gets me to the point of this piece. How can your desire to be liked extend to people that don’t even know you? Why would they like you? Why would they care one way or another about you? In that theoretical room full of people, how many actually know you?

Think of the last large gathering you attended. Imagine all the people in that group that don’t know you. You can eliminate them immediately. It’s not that they don’t like you, they just don’t care. Not the same thing. That only leaves the handful of people that do know you. Do they like you? If so, that takes care of the whole room. Some people know and like you, and people that don’t know you and are irrelevant at this point.

What about the people that know you and don’t like you. If that’s a large group of people, then you need to take a look at yourself. Or perhaps, you are just in the wrong place. But that’s not a likely scenario. It’s more likely that there are one or two people that don’t like you. But whose problem is that? Perhaps they are the type of people that don’t like anybody. Why would you make an effort to make them like you? It’s okay to treat them kindly, but you can’t fix other people. Accept them and move on.

This doesn’t mean that you have to not care about people liking you, just accept the fact that not everyone will and that’s okay. So stop putting out so much effort. Your obvious desire to be liked and accepted is probably part of the problem. Think about that and observe other people.

How many people dominate the conversation with stories about themselves and the things they have done. Likable? Not really. But that’s what they are trying to do. Impress people and make them like you. Do you want to be like them?

Then just stop.

There’s a big gap between wanting to be liked and being likable. Instead of telling people about yourself, listen to them. Be empathetic. Make it obvious that you enjoy their company and are interested in what they have to say. Be helpful without being overbearing. Be kind without being subservient. In short, just be yourself.

People will like you for who you are, or they won’t. You can’t help that, and trying so hard to change it is actually doing more harm than good. It’s the people who truly like you that you want to surround yourself with anyway. Those are your friends, the rest are just acquaintances.

Remember the Aesop’s fable about the dog with the bone? Don’t be that guy.

Enjoy the company of the people who like you. Be social and likable to the people you don’t know. Some of them will come to like you. Some won’t.

Most of that group doesn’t dislike you, they just don’t care.

And that’s okay.

If you want to stop worrying about making people like you, just do this one thing.

Stop.

As it says in my bio, you do you.