Why Do We Fear Death?
The Understanding Through My Grief
After writing my published book "Journey of an Unraveled Road," I thought my journey was set on a straight and narrow path. As a psychologist and a life coach, it becomes unrealistic. But in human nature, it becomes a natural human reaction in the hopes of finally getting to the destination we belong to as I begin to reflect on the things I discovered then and what I am discovering now. Not only did I help transition my Father to his new life after death on December 14, 2021, a month later, but I also had to do the same with my beloved great aunt a month after my dad's departure. She departed into her new life on January 14, 2022. But thanks to my shadow work (a term used in self-help when you face and resolve all of your inner demons) and having a "there is always a light at the end of the tunnel" idealism. Thanks to my caretaking experience of two hospice patients and the unexplained phenomena, many in the traditional health industry would argue that the phenomena experienced don't have a scientific explanation. The consistent occurrences of my Father and Great Aunt that occurred before they left this world have made me become a true believer that things are coincidental. Two of my three beloved family members passed away on the same day and simultaneously. But the physical experiences I shared with my Grandmother and other family members at that time make me believe there is something more significant than the materialistic world. My first calling of being a writer (something I have already become). In hopes to inspire others to preserve hope (something that proves to be a challenge in this modern-day society).The experience of caring for two beloved family members that I was close to in their hospice care. It has me beckoning my second calling of becoming a death doula. Or what is commonly known as a death midwife? Thanks to the beautiful hospice agency that supported me through the care of my relatives. As the gift they witnessed, I would never have noticed if it wasn't for their observation. Was that I have of the gift of not only comforting those who are transitioning to their new life but eliminating the fear that 75% of the human population has—the fear of dying.
Facing death is a fear for everyone involved, as in my personal experience and the observation made to my mourning family. Denial is the most prominent emotion that keeps us from facing the fear of death. Even at first, I bargained with myself why it was wrong to give my Father's comfort meds. The truth is, along with the denial I had shortly after losing my Father and seeing that my Great Aunt's time was passing. It made me become a person that I usually wouldn't be. Attempting to take control of the things that I had no control over, an act that I used to engage in when I was motivated by fear and insecurity a decade ago. The one thing that I had to remind myself on both occasions was that in the end, "it wasn't about me, but the ones that are transitioning into their new life after death."
One of the critical points emphasized in the "Death Doula Certification." But as those that finally pass. The grief commonly felt entails the emotions of guilt, resentment, and remorse. We should have done things, what we could have done, and what we didn't do to keep the ones we love alive. But the truth is, many of those transitioning into their new life has already accepted their fate. Becoming comfortable with their mortality (something my dad displayed in his final weeks), which becomes heartbreaking for those who survive as the next of kin, is why many are ready to leave this world. Because the truth is, although they may be ready to go, we might not be ready to let go. While in other situations (in the case of my Great Aunt), they become frightened and fight the inevitable, purposely suffering because of their resentment and guilt. Despite how bad of a person you think you are, no one deserves to spend their last days in pain and suffrage. Because death and grief shouldn't be about the guilt and the pain we carry, but the love and life we share with our loved ones. Which becomes hard to understand for people when I explain that the grief I feel is sad but beautiful. Because the truth is despite the things I didn't do while they were alive, I was there for them when it truly mattered and the honor that came in my most incredible pain and sacrifice, honor comes in having both of them having enough trust and love for me to want me there for their last breath. An experience that I will genuinely carry with me my entire life. Their transition made me realize that I was far more courageous and stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. Something that my Father and Great Aunt always knew I was. And in those phenomena, I mentioned early confirmed that in ways I never would have believed before this journey.
The morality of death is an evitable life event that happens to all of us. As the saying goes, "we were born to die." But the truth is that the in-between events, from what I realize, are why we are afraid to die as we become reliant on the things that we lost hope in as our truth. Many of us are afraid because of the regrets that we carry of the should of, could of, and would of, something that we never should beat ourselves up for because we have the power to change our life course. I learned something when I faced my fear of rejection before taking the courageous leap of pursuing my writing dream. This is why I became a life coach to help encourage those to make their own decisions on the life they wanted to live. But because of the fear and the regrets that occur when we face death became the reason I decided to get my certification to become a death doula. The greatest thing about becoming a death doula is that you encourage those dying people to live to the fullest until they transition into a new life. And for those who gave up on their life, encourage them to relieve, when discussing general death in the past with my family members and in most recent events, speaking passionately about the new journey I am taking. Proves that the statistics are accurate when having these uncomfortable conversations that should not be uncomfortable as this is part of life. Have those become deflective, projective, to the point of gaslighting (typical response in fear and insecurity) as their behaviors prove that they are afraid? But the reality is that we never know when our time is coming, as the central part of a death doula is finding what a "good death" means to the individual—on their transition into their new life. When aren't these topics discussed? It leaves so much regret and often those dying in pain until their final breath. All because of the fear of talking or planning for the inevitable that will happen to all of us one day. Being surrounded by death my whole life; losing a significant other, losing both my maternal Grandmother and beloved Uncle Mike, and friends in tragic car accidents… to name a few). I learned not to be afraid of death to the point that I could plan what a "good death" means to me. In this recent experience, I also learned the value and comfort of what hospice care can bring to those ready to pass or about to pass into their new life. Because the inevitable happens before we are ready to leave this physical world. The one thing that someone never gets to fulfill is their final wishes. The tragedy is that those who want to die at home, 80% of people to be exact, only 20% percent get their dying wish, which is why it's essential to have these conversations so you can get your "businesses in order," including an "end of life" plan. What if we don't have that plan in order? The one thing we could control will be someone who is not ready to let go and/or in pure denial. Which, in the event of a critical health complication, could hinder your quality of life, allowing your well-being and emotions to be controlled by those who are not ready to go, despite if you have become comfortable with your morality to leave this world.