What If...

We've all been there. . . feeling insecure and uncertain of the choices that we've made in life. Asking ourselves, WHAT IF I had done things differently or taken a different path? These types of questions can truly eat someone alive, even more so when you are unhappy with what you're doing currently as a career.

You keep telling yourself that it's worth it to stay for the benefits or that things will change soon for the better, so you decide to stay put and see how things roll out. You try and stay positive, you turn your head away when something is not working or seems wrong. You keep complaining to your friends and roommates which isn’t very thoughtful when they probably have their own problems to take care of. You start taking action and talking to your Project Manager, HR, and your supervisor.

You believe that you can affect these people that are supposed to mentor you by opening up about your struggles. You tell them you don’t understand their way of thinking and are seeking to improve yourself by getting a better understanding of their process. They respond to you with empty answers and empty promises. You believed that you did the right thing and waited for a year, and yet, still nothing changed. . . so you keep wondering. You think about the other job you got offered at the same time two years ago and how much better it could have been there or IF it is the same situation everywhere else. You start to lose hope. You think about how your life could have changed IF you had moved back to Europe. You think about how your parents are so proud of you to be able to finally take care of yourself with a nice stable job. And you envision what they would think of you IF you threw it all away. Would they understand?

Would they be disappointed?

I saw these what IF's as a weakness, as something that made you stuck in a constant numb and sad wondering state until I finally stopped over-thinking, worrying about other people, and started taking care of myself and made a decision. I called my mother and explained to her how unhappy I was and that I wanted to quit and she gave me the best response any daughter could ever hope for: "It's OK. You'll figure it out. You tried your best and it didn't work out and now it's time to move on to the next chapter". I broke down in tears and gave my two weeks notice the next day.

I quit that job without another job lined up. It wasn't worth my time or my mental health to keep fighting for something I knew deep down would never change. I felt so much relief and so much weight coming off of my shoulders. I no longer had to deal with something that made me continually sad, depressed, and confused. At that point, I took all of those WHAT IF's and used them to my advantage. I made a list of all of these ideas I had in my head and started researching, going to workshops, and attending webinars to figure out what to do next, discovering what made me excited about life and what I was truly passionate about. I had saved up enough to be comfortable to survive a couple of months without income and decided to book a trip to Central America to cleanse myself of the rest of the dark clouds hanging above me before jumping into the workforce once more. I am excited for this trip, but I also can't wait to see which “WHAT IF” I will get to jump into next . . .