I started my first semester of university. And lemme tell you when I say it has been like a fever dream. I graduated from high school four months ago and it still hasnt registered in my brain that im not going back.
I have been living on campus and meeting a bunch of people, and it has been quite the experience. I enjoy the freedom, and having my own schedule. Yet, just earlier it hit me. Im by myself.
For the first time in 18 years, im by myself. Nobody is helping me with paying for college, no one is here supporting me, no one is here encourgaing me to do better.
And i do like the freedom I have, but it sucks. I see everyone here have 100% supporting parents. Who are helping them pay for anything and everything. While im here with 20 dollars in my wallet, no job, and no support system.
And through this all, i hear my parents saying
“You should of did community. Why are you doing this to yourself. You don’t need college to be successful. Why are you going to school for something you already know?”
and yes, i could have done community, but im the first person in my family to graduate high school. So when I said I wanted to do college, i planned to do it right and set the standards for my future kids.
Today, the second day of college, i broke down.
I have to buy 3 textbooks by Thursday. And I can’t find them anywhere online for free. And I only have 20 dollars to my name.
I called my mom today, and gave her an update on life. And told her i was stressing. and the first thing she said was, “you asking for money already?”
not one ounce of empathy that I was stressing, just the blunt question.
And Im perfectly okay to do this college stuff by myself. It just sucks seeing other students‘ parents being so supportive and so encouraging through this whole thing.
And only two days into college, and i realize the only person who has my back all the time is me. And it’s sucks.
and im jealous of my peers. They have it handed to them, and i have to figure out how to finish the next 174 days without going into debt.
And then next semester. Another 176 of figuring out life by myself.
The thing is, i wasnt prepared for college. I have no car, no money, no help. My parents didnt let me into the workforce while living in their house so i can “enjoy my childhood”, but because of that its making it harder to find a job. And I have no college savings. Nothing was prepared for me the day I left. And I just feel alone.
I just want a steady support system with this college thing. Im the first person in my family to do this, and i feel so alone and isolated.
I just have to get through the next 174 days.
Its not that long, and i know it will fly by.
It’s just going to be a lonely 176 days.
and i know that deep down my parents have to be proud of me. Even if they don’t directly tell me. Im doing something nobody from our family has done before. It would just be nice to hear it from them though.
Deep down it hurts me. Because I have been dreaming of this moment since I was little, and they don’t show one ounce of happiness for me.
But in the past two days, i have realize, nobody can bring you happiness. Only yourself can.