Sometimes Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

Rarely do we consider that emotions could take us over when we leave a job. Often times, people, even those stalwarts with the stiffest upper lip, can be blindsided by a watershed of emotions they never knew existed when they are leaving a job. Take Gwyneth for example…

Gwyneth pirouetted in giddy elation as the lift doors closed on her five-year stint as change manager in a once struggling not for profit. She’d given her all and now it was time to move on. She could hardly contain her excitement in the merry go round of congratulations, farewell drinks and promises that she and her former colleagues would remain “besties” for life. On top of that, Gwyneth was looking forward to a fortnight of glorious days to archive the old and prepare herself for the next exciting step in her career.

Four days into her break, the pressure was well and truly off. Gwyneth sank into a deck chair in earshot of the tranquil snuggle of the evening waves into the sand on a popular ocean beach. As if from nowhere, a veil of sadness crept over her as she reflected on the people she had left behind. She pondered on whether her contribution to the organisation’s turn around would become her legacy. That is, if one needs a legacy. Gone was the buzz of someone seeking her advice on what to do, or how to handle this or that unexpected situation. The silence from her phone was as alarming as the darkening of her mood. It was yet to occur to Gwyneth that, in liberally pleading for rainchecks on social invitations, she had prioritized her need to work, even on weekends, over family and friends. She had become her job. Even if she did take some time out to catch up socially, all she could really talk about was her job.

For someone who seemed to have an enviable career trajectory ahead of her, Gwyneth was feeling more like she had been slapped with the decree nisi for a divorce that she wasn’t sure that she really wanted. Now out of the organization, she was done, dusted and extinct to the powers that be and the envy of those who would trade places with her in a heartbeat. There she was dangling between the past and the future. This limbo was a place that she was enjoying less by the hour.

What Gwyneth and others often don’t realise, is that whether the uncoupling from an employer is mutual or forced, amicable or not, while they become physically disconnected, the emotional ties often endure. Those departing are also breaking the connection with all the routines that go with the job; the drive to work, their usual seat on the tram, the barista at the coffee bar, the sylph like woman at the sandwich shop that knows how much butter you like and the security guard who bids you farewell as the last person to leave the building at night. Not surprisingly, some people experience a grief reaction.

Irrespective of the circumstances that give rise to the parting of ways with your employer, grief is a perfectly normal response to, what is often, a life changing event. How you manage that grief is important.

Psychologist, J William Worden has developed four tasks to help people deal with the grief of leaving their job. These four tasks are adapted as follows:

1. 1. Accept that you are about to leave or have departed the organization and its people. Accept that the people you left behind are also moving on, so don’t call them to remind them of what they need to do. And don’t expect them to call you to plead for your clever assistance to sort out a complex problem or beg you to come back just for short time to get through a difficult period. At the end of the day, they need to work things out for themselves. Your task is to make it through the grief process without dragging it out like a dying romance. Let go.

2. Set your emotions free. Sob as you must. This is not a time to show that you are tough. When people leave people, they may feel pain and loss and perhaps a roller coaster of emotions that may range from relief to anger, disbelief, sadness, anxiety, depression, denial and eventually, acceptance. Leaving a job is not so different to farewelling a loved one at a funeral, waving goodbye as a friend clears customs for a foreign destination and seeing your first born off to school. Allow yourself to feel all the emotions as, and when, they emerge so as not to delay your recovery.

If you have left angry (maybe things didn’t end the way you had hoped), resist the urge to try to right wrongs. Remember, while you are wallowing in misery about how you were overlooked, undervalued, or seen as either not a good fit and/or dispensable, everyone else is moving on. Don’t write smouldering emails to now former colleagues outlining how very different you think things should be, if only your boss had listened! Don’t look for pity in the past from ex (compassionate) colleagues, who might have their own feelings of loss because you deserted them.

3. Embrace that, as you step out of the last days of your job, you are stepping to a new universe. There is no going back. It’s all going to be different from now on. Even if it was a tearful ending, take some time to reflect on what you did well, what you learnt, what you achieved and the people you met. Some of that information will transfer effortlessly to your curriculum vitae. And, you might shower yourself with congratulations, particularly if you had a close encounter with the job from hell. While your pain may linger, remember with every passing day, it will hurt just a little less. Love your pain while it lasts.

4. Unplug completely from your old work mates, except from the chosen few who will become friends for life. Think about how you will rebuild your life beyond the job you left. How are your social networks? What routines and activities will support the new work life balance in your life? How could you improve the quality of your life? If there is no new job on the horizon, do you need support to rebuild your confidence? How will you stay in touch if you feel lost in a professional wilderness?

Finally, if you are thinking about leaving a job, resign when you are truly ready. The right time will come when you have achieved everything you want to achieve. Or, when the conditions become unbearable or your contract ends, whichever comes first. Think about what leaving will mean for you and the people around you. What are the consequences of leaving for you? Your work colleagues? Your loved ones? Think about how you feel pain and how you grieve. How might those feelings approximate how you might feel after you leave your job.