Rekindling My Love of Writing

Writing was never the easiest decision when it came time to tell everyone what I wanted to be. Others would say they wanted to get their degree in medicine, engineering, business and I wanted to be a published author.

How glamorous a career in comparison right?

I was terrified by the reactions after the small world I lived in looked at me as if I had lost my mind. It seemed as if what they thought would equal success for me was going into business or at the least psychology.

"Get a degree where you can actually support yourself," was a common thread of conversation around the family table.

One I would soon use as a motivation to be brave enough to get my work out there. It was never a question of "if I do it" but "when I would do it." I was so engrossed with the how and the why that I lost why I started writing in the first place.

I was not to know that absolute joy of writing for about 2 years. In high school, I did everything I could to prove that my thirst for a career in the field but was met with hesitation still. I allowed others views of what a successful life looked like define what I did in my writing.

It became stilted and insincere. I wrote for others with the sole purpose to gain money. To garner an audience that would be willing to listen and read the genuine outpouring of a lifetime worth of dreams when the time came.

But how could they?

How could they read a genuine piece of literature when all of the other works that I had released were all fake? When all of them had no meaning or backing because I did not have any faith in them. I had no message.

I had a barrage of words that passes for eloquence in society when in reality it is just a lot of words that when burned down to the simplest form means absolutely nothing. It is just a flowery show that has no substance. When the audience leaves and moves on from t he words they are left as just noise filling a void.

It is not a voice that will ring through the ears of generations showing the passion and strength of a generation long gone. It will not hold weight for someone who feels that they are caught in the torrential currents of a world they do not believe in and will encourage them to change the tide. It will not spur an individual to change their dreams despite the odds.

In fact, it is the exact opposite.

The insincerity of it all seeps through and with it the fear of the woman underneath. She is no woman but a frightened girl who had to grow up faster than she needed to, who never fit in with others her age, who is told by the world that she is now an adult even though she doesn't have a clue what she is doing.

But we are supposed to figure it out right? We are just supposed to fake it til we make it. Boy do they mean it too!

What type of a life is that?

No, I will not allow the opinions of others to dictate my choices. I have held back on all my thoughts and feelings because I was afraid that 'people would not like me'. In other words, there would be opposition to things I had to say.

No longer!

I have seen the world for what it is and what it can do. I have seen people who put themselves out there and are the most genuine people that can come of this world and they get hate. Personalities do not always mix. Not everyone is going to have the same moral ground. You can bet everything you believe in that not everyone is going to like you.

That no longer matters.

The internet, society, culture, school, and any other institution you can name teaches us that we need the approval of absolute strangers to determine our worth. We look to family, friends, likes, and anything else for approval as if that is where self worth comes from. Society and social media have cheapened our view on self worth and shows how much we have regressed when it comes to the opinions of others in regards to decisions that are solely our own.

At the end of the day, I will be genuine and honest with myself. No one else should be my focus because I will be let down. I cannot place my happiness in the hands of others.

I choose to say that will no longer be my path.

I will write as I see fit. I will write the messages that ring true for me. I will write for others with the sole purpose that it is my voice and my voice alone that rings through. No flowery words that mean nothing. No long-winded explanations that never answer questions. No trying to skirt around hard topics.

No that is not me.

This is me.

I am a writer who is passionate about others: what they think, how they feel, their life stories, and what their passions are. I write as I live, an optimistic realist whose sarcasm mixed with her compassion can come across as a little awkward but sincere.

This is me as a writer.

This is me when I am passionate.

This is me when I have found my purpose!

I have gained my love of writing back! I have gained a new perspective on life! I have rekindled a love not long lost and will continue to live my story the way I know it can be.

I never chose to be a main character in the story of my life. I chose others. I chose to be the sidekick and walk the life of a loner. Preferring to look on instead of to live.

Thus far it had worked.

As I go into my 20th year I see that maybe I was doing life wrong. It is time to take back my power and be the main character in my story. To live the life that I was given and to share a voice and perspective. To be the change I want to see in a society that is looking for answers.

Today I choose to live my story as the main character and write as I choose to live: honestly.

Thank you all so much for taking the time out of your day to read this! If you would like to see more of my writing journey you can always follow me on my channel! I will be participating in, what we all in the writing world call, NaNoWriMo (if you want more info I have a video and an article on that).

I also have a twitch account which I hang out with a group of amazing creators who have graciously agreed to collab and work together! We just play games, share life stories, and of course have some random stories and voices thrown in! We will be streaming Saturdays so feel free to join!

For any and all recommendation of featured Amazon products, special book recs, and of course favorite generalized merch you can also check out our pinterest!

All of these platforms are used as a means to financially support me in my endeavors to upkeep them and have more time to do such. Thank you all again for your generosity!