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Memories: 7 October 2022

by Tanya Arons 2 months ago in humanity · updated 2 months ago
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Old Rock chicks keep on rocking…no matter what!

7 October 2017 Charlie

7 October 2022

I spent the afternoon and early evening, cutting grooves into this piece of cypress pine for my “shop displays” for my new market stall at Plant Lovers Market.

Now exhausted. My fake dremel was not working well and I am sure there is an easier way with the right tool… but I give myself 100 points for trying and for persevering.

I want to go dancing tonight as is my usual habit but I may not have any energy left by 10 pm. Lol. I need to conserve energy for Sunday also.

7 October 2021

With a great and magnificent effort I have finally vacuumed and washed the floors. Oh my! So exhausted.

But there is a shift in the atmosphere. I believe a storm is imminent. Please god and goddess we get enough rain!

FLYBUYS ARE BROKEN. They don’t answer the phone and they don’t reply to FB messenger.

Are they on Mars with Elon Musk?

Yesterday Shine lawyers (ggrrrr) transferred me to their case worker and also left me on hold then hung up on me. I am considering Opting out as this unprofessionalism has irked me since the beginning.

The irony is that in an age of instant communication, no one has the human decency to answer the phone, return calls or emails or messages or you know, actually be responsible for basic phone/email/messenger etiquette.

I tell you what it is: it’s the Zombie Apocalypse and it’s Bollocks!

Rainnnnnnnnnn! Yayyy!

Rachel Walsh it wasn’t much here…just enough to wet the garden’s whistle. But still something!

I pray you get some blessèd water from the heavens soon.

Love you!

Rachel Walsh the rain took 3 hours to get here after I took that photo of the dark skies.

It has gone from scathing hot to quite cool this late afternoon (5:30 pm). But alas and alack, no rain. Not a single drop.

11:11 am. Feeling overwhelmed and anxious. House desperately needs cleaning but I can’t motivate myself.

Thinking about going out to Amanda’s little coffee shop but not sure if there will be seating.

Sick of living in a draconian dystopian existence but hanging on by a thread because…curiousity.

Distressed about the entire thing.

Also it’s hot outside. Hot and dry.

Charley has had a swim and is singing merrily to herself.

Bobo and I have retired to lie on my bed like desolate desiccated sponges quietly absorbing all the shock and horror then dissipating it as carbon monoxide.

It’s absurdist.

I need to get the floors clean and recalibrate my existence! I need to dance. To thrive. To jive Turkey my hide. To kiss and caress the softer spots deep inside my soul which scream “Abandonment”, “Death” and “Pox”.

The Angel of death flies over in a low vibing sketchy fucking flight pattern. So far that energy has claimed three cats, chickens and goldfish, even my avocado sapling I planted on the front verge.

But it still refuses to take me. Worthless, loveless unenviable me. What’s with that?

(Rolls eyes!)

Up and at ‘em. I will go grab a coffee. Take Bobo. Get out of my head. Breathe.

7 October 2020

I am very unwell at the moment. I can’t hold any food down as it goes straight through me.

Yesterday I had a very bad turn (lightheaded/dizzy spell) when I arrived at Golden Circle to do some grocery shopping. Lyn and Danni were with me so kept an eye on me.

Later in the day I had the chronic referred pain (dull ache under my right breast, third rib from bottom) from my liver that I have experienced since before I had the gall bladder operation. I also had a sharp pain in my right upper arm that feels like a hot knife is being dragged through the muscles. I often get that pain in my arm especially if I have worked too hard using my right hand.

Today I don’t feel so dizzy (thank god) but a bit lightheaded in a sort of spacey way and my bowels are really acting up.

Gross! I knowww!

Anyway I am gonna rest today. I will drink fluids only for the rest of the day as my breakfast has gone through me.

I feel very fragile and alone (which is a sign of my illness!) as I had a lovely day yesterday in spite of my epic dizzy spell.

I feel like I am dying for real this time! But in truth I have been struggling with poor health ever since I was sliced out of Gisela’s womb. Add on the constant pernicious vile child abuse and other societal ills and for the Love of The Tanya even I don’t know how I am still Alive.

So I know I can get through this current illness as I have beaten back so many many others.

I am a deeply powerful Self-Healer and I need to trust that my body has its own language and magic and is purging everything out of me for a much higher reason.

I will Allow it...until the time comes when I can forbear it no longer.

So much of my life was stolen from me in multifarious ways.

Looking at my primary school photo from when I was 12 all I can say to my self is : what a Woman! I am so proud of whom I am even then, as a child and now as a decrepit lifeform with barely any life force left.

But I have blown shit and life out of and back into me before. Mysteriously, miraculously so.

Love from the Multiverses swirling into Infinity.

7 October 2019

I woke up with a sweet memory of my babies suckling on my breast. Warm with the emotion of that memory. Nurturing my children with my own body gifted me with such enormous love and power: a reason to keep living and fighting for our safety and freedom as I wanted us happy and peaceful and healthy. I wanted us thriving.

So much time and peace of mind was stolen from us by abusers. I lost so much but I gained back courage and delight.

I miss my babies and their sweet warmth and innocence and absolute trust.

One day I hope to meet my grandchildren and complete the circle of life, trust and magical delight in Wonderment with them.

When a small child looks into your soul they See you for whom you truly are and love you completely. Until along the path to adulthood they individuate and you no longer are the rising starshine in their eyes and demon spirits riding them tell you, you were/are worthless. But you know that hatred is not based on fact but on the poison of others.

So you shake it off. Keep loving your adult child because you also remember her tiny infant Soul and her purity and innate wisdom. You know she will overcome that darkness.

For have we not pushed it off us a million times before and shimmied and shook like newly purged jelly in the sunlight of better days. Which as my friend Sylvia Shine used to always remind me are...a-coming.

And so it is... laughter amongst the Sephirot.

My deepest truest loves will all come back to me. With deep love and affection. But first they have to cut through their own Bullshit and shed the old trauma skins. Like any great Masterpiece...a constantly evolving Work in Progress.

7 October 2018

Haha my iPhone changed its time to Sydney’s so with their daylight saving I thought it was 11 am. Then freaked out that the time on my microwave was an hour earlier. It took me awhile to fix the problem in my iPhone. I am now back in sync with the rest of Brisbania!

Nuts! It has never changed time zones on me before (except when brand new!)

I just took Bobo and Charlie for a walk. Charlie was so excited to go he leapt on the stick I use for a perch! He kissed me the whole walk. We played ball at the dog park. Then ambled home. I am aching all over from two nights of dancing but Bobo needed his exercise too.

When we got back home Charlie would not go back on his outside cage. I had to take off my cardigan to get him off me lmao. Devoted little love pigeon!

4:24 am. Home safe. Another wild night. Thanks to my friends and the universe and an indomitable will of The Tanya.

Very very sore but a bath is beckoning. A hot tea and maybe the ghost of the former Tanya might resurrect week!

I sat out with George the busker and some homeless guy for the last hour. I asked George to sing me my song “Walk on the Wild Side”. It was nice. The homeless guy regaled me with interesting stories from his life. Which were amusing.

Something about being abducted to WA by the gypsy jokers while he was completely stoned and waking up in the middle of the cricket, in the cricket ground auditorium. “I fucking hate cricket” quoth he. I laughed uproariously. “Me too”. Best story ever. Even if it might have been a delusion.

Some young women offered me a cigarette. I said “Not tonight, ladies as I have asthma but this guy will greatly appreciate it!” So they gave it to me to give to him. Weird. He was not intimidating at all. He was glad of the cigarette and the friendly chat.

He said he had 8 children and 7 grand children but never sees his adult kids. They don’t bother with him. He said he knows now how his parents must have felt. They are still living. I said “give them a call. Life is short”. He nodded. But we both know how some families are so utterly evil you have no choice but to keep yourself safe from them.

Anyway it was interesting as he said he used to say to his wife “going away for a week” then not return for 6 months as he ran wild with bikies. I nodded. I said I had a grandfather that used to buggar off for 6 months at a time too. (My Pop was a lovely man but I suspect he had a schizo-affective disorder too).

The need to run free supersedes any sort of stable family life. Although I’m told he only “ran” after the boys were all grown up. Which is fair enough.

I woke up from a recurrent dream about going across the road to my neighbour’s house and watering all his pot plants like I owned the place. Then explaining to him that I did it to save his plants. Weird. In real Life they are building underneath. So not sure why my subconscious wants to own back their space.

Then woke up to the awful nightmare that Kavanaugh has won his post. A vile abuser.

So fuck that Shit. Arise Sisters, giving birth to new paradigms is hard convulsive excoriating labour. Sometimes you shit yourself. Sometimes the trickster universe installs orange rapey muppets and their filthy henchman into seats of power.

Well I have my own powerful Seat. It can push out one more defunct worthless politician. Corrupt predatory lawyer (Yale? Yolo motherfucker!). I hope G-d is watching...cos I am!

To every woman, child, male survivor: don’t despair. Vote! And hold your head up high. Be glad you did not Become a filthy example of the basest of human nature and fight!

Fight with your words, with your honour, with your tears, with your humour, dance, play, stay a while... you(me!) are worth a billion Kavanaughs and Trumps. All those pigs have is money and perverted followers.

Stand proud, stand just. Stay sane in an insane world. I love you! We got this!

7 October 2017

Ezekiel connected dem dry bones... another heatwave followed by a cool damp day (blissful relief from the pounding searing drought and heat has cause my joints to tweak and twang a rhythmic gnawing beat. From the feet to the ankles to my lower back to my right elbow and my fingers.

But I am grateful for my warm safe comfortable bed and my two guardians (the dogs). I was gonna take over the world (that is code for, clean house) but now I just lie about like a flat out lizard in a husky desert.

Blech! 3.14 pm. Another day drifted away as I slept the sleep of the just.

Gonna haul my achy breaky heart and cantankerous arse and take the dogs for a quick walk around the block as they need the exercise and I need to inhale Life for a while.

Glad I stayed home last night. I slept until 11.30 am! Utterly exhausted.

It is much cooler today (Hallelujah!) and rain is impending (maybe). The dogs have been out to pee and do their morning meditation (staring blankly out into the garden). Charlie is outside now aslo. I gave him half an apple. He loves apples.

I feel a bit unwell. My back is aching.

I need exercise though so hopefully by tonight I will feel well enough to go dancing. I enjoyed my quiet night last night, snuggling with Harvey and Beauregard and watching videos on The universe(s) are fascinating and I am grateful and humbled to be a conscious sentient being, a tiny fractal part of the Whole of Eternity.

7 October 2016

I took Beauregard to the shops as I had to get some medication. He cried and yelped the whole time. Little Shit-Zu! I picked up a few groceries. Glad to be home again. Nice and quiet now. Phew!

7 October 2014

And after that Note... The T-shirt arrived! Woot!

Rock Chick Mama be Rocking it out!

Cos I didn't have enough fun (or right kind of love!) in my childhood, 20's, 30's and most of my 40's. Roll over, Babies...I hear my Train a-coming!

So driving back from the Coast I was told that I am too old to be a Rock Chick and wear Band shirts and (as I suggested put cuts in the back of the shirt! And dress like a teenager.)

I said. "Ok maybe the open backed t-shirt is too much but I like it!"

Then I was told I should cut nipple holes in the chest so I can expose my breasts as well as my back.

I said "Now Honey that would be too much, even for me, I am nearly 50 you know". Then I was told I would never find real love hanging out with men in bands and pubs!

I said “No, cos all my beautiful talented band friends are in relationships with beautiful young women (as they should be! As is the natural order of things!) and I don't mind at all”.

In fact I am happy for them all to be happy and successful.

So then I was told I am sabotaging myself as I want a love and the guys I meet there would only be interested in short term flings..

Duhh! Hello!

I love my time spent dancing and with all my favourite bands. I have a great time. Most of the time the few potential "suitors" get short shrift.

I am not going there for a quick fumble or fuck and after this length of time the regulars know that is not on my agenda.

If I get sex at all (hey, I am only human!) it is actually a fairly rare event. I enjoy dancing too much to lurk in dark corners, pretending to like some drunk drooling dickhead.

I actually did fall in love with one of my favourite Lurkers and well, that didn't work out.

Until he comes out of the shadows of his own mindfucks, it will never happen. He is a classic Avoidant. He will never be happy in a commitment to any woman. He will always need to run and play.

Sad too, cos I felt his energy and there was a real connection, on my end anyway. I still send him the occasional text. (the stalker became the Stalkee. Ahem!). Harmless loving messages to the Void.

I have a long history of loving men who refuse to love me.

I have variously loved psychopaths and hand puppets and Wigs. (Great hair but no heart). Puppets on a stick, incapable of choosing me, or too damn stupid I guess.

I don't even know what I am loving sometimes. They give me so very little, and it is the entire cosmos to me. G-d moves in mysterious ways and I am learning that I am meant to be like this. Part of my damage but also part of my Healer's ability. It is a curse as much as it is a blessing, and yes it is scary. For me, as much as it is for them.

You haven't been loved until you have been loved by The Tanya. I am sorry. It's how I roll, how I was created and I have had years of therapy to improve my love life and now at almost 50…I know it is me and to accept it and love it anyway.

So I told my "family", they need to Respect me. I know what I am doing with my life and I love it!

I will dress like a rock chick until I don't want to anymore, when I decide I am too old or over it!

I told them I have always supported them in their careers, in fact gone to almost every performance they have done and I am proud of them. They said I would not have stopped them from their Craft.

I said “well don't stop me from doing things that I enjoy, which is supporting the bands, having fun, living my life and being free”.

It might not bring me a loving partner but so the fuck what? I want to love myself, love others and ultimately be Loved for who I am, whatever 'incarnation" I create for myself.

Once upon a time I was a devout jew, a wife, mother, business owner. Respectable! How did that work out? I was falsely accused of being a nazi by my own community, then later strangled by my israeli lovers, then pillorised for being a Divorcee and a single mother, in dire poverty.

So dire I barely afforded my kid's Bat Mitzvot and then that shul threatened to cancel the whole event because I could not pay the Bat Mitzvah fees. My Rabbi, (who ultimately turned against me due to the salacious lies my mother and her then current con-man boyfriend told him), advocated on my behalf for the second time in my life.

He fought for my basic human rights and told that shul he would advertise in every Jewish newspaper in Australia and Israel, how they treat the poor and disenfranchised women and children in our community.

The Bat Mitzvah went ahead. Also for the next child.

I have been vilified, humiliated, beaten, molested as a child, lied to, lied about, robbed by my own family members. I had to fight for my right to call myself a Jew in Brisbane.

Now I fight for my right to be free, to party, to be Alive!

If my daughter doesn't like my lifestyle. Or my friends don't like my lifestyle. They can Fuck off.

I am 49 years old. I have suffered unbelievable torments and I am here. Not Square but not totally bent out of shape either.

You can love me or you can leave me the fuck alone but you won't destroy me.

Others have tried...and tried again...and again.

One of my enemies went mad and flashed her vagina on National TV. The others died of old age and decrepitude. My bright witty extroverted but vicious mother (who I still stepped up to the mark for and was there for her at the final 18 months of her life).

The woman who failed me so spectacularly in so many ways, even writing an evil will full of lies about me and denying me my rightful inheritance… Lost her brilliant wit and the ability to chew food (her favourite thing apart from Chasing The Cock Supreme then worshipping it) to Alzheimers. A worse fate I could not have divined for her.

Searching for her inner spark, her spirit, her humour and her intellect was the most painful thing of my life at that time. She was a bastard but she was My Bastard. I would eke out little memories, a smile or even better a wise crack would illuminate my whole day.

That is real love, being with your abuser and supporting them in a dignified death even though they did not deserve my presence, not even for one minute.

I doubt my own children would do the same for me. I haven't been cruel enough. I know well, how ambivalent they are.

I have outlived most of my enemies or seen Perfect Karma smite them. (Thank You G-d! :-))

So tell me again... How do you want to piss me off?! Roflmao.

Don't ever victimise the most blessedly accursed. Love and hate are bound together forever. Flip a coin. See where it lands but the ones who have suffered without merit, our coins are loaded. It will always land Heads Up. The one who knows and sees all, really does protect and defend us. He just takes His sweet time, don't you Dear Lord?!

I am meant to be on this Earth. That is certain! I embrace it now. One day I will no longer be here but until then I prefer to be amongst true friends and true loves. You know who you are!

1.26 am. Home safe from a big day out. After Mt Tambourine Jarrod took us to Surfers Paradise. We had chinese for dinner. Then looked at the shops and then had a paddle in the ocean. The white surf was illuminated by the almost full moon. It was beautiful. I find myself so at peace and grounded being at the seashore.

The sea is definitely in my blood. Crystal turned to me as said "feel better now, Mum". (I had felt weak and tired and sluggish most of the day.). Just that 5 minutes with my feet in saltwater and I was immediately rejuvenated.

When we got back to Jarrod's, I had a cuddle with my best boy, Harvey and we watched Foxtel.

Now home with my cats, getting kisses on my hand from Penny.

A lovely day! Although I could not have managed a long walk in the forest. My knees were even aching. I did enjoy the walk around the Botanical gardens.

We were smelling all the roses. They were lovely but when I got home, I picked my own roses and they are just as beautiful if not more so.

7 October 2013

I have had a wonderful weekend. I danced to Electric Samurai at Irish Murphies all Saturday night. I met a guy I have noticed there for a few weeks. He introduced himself to me and we danced in front of the band.

There was a Hens group of women dressed in Dirndl-Kleids which was sweet but kinda trippy at the same time. I met up with other friends. I got home around 4.30am. Slept until 2 pm.

Then Crystal and Jarrod visited me for a Ukelele Jam Session. So we had a great time. My fingertips are sore from the chords.

All good fun and much nicer to learn with them as they know I am slow so they tell me which chords to play so I can keep up with them.

7 October 2012

Today I went to Wynnum Beach with Jarrod, Harvey and Miss Bella Rosa. Harvey and Bella were so excited to see each other in the new car that they made lovely squealing sounds and I distinctly heard Harvey say Hello! So amazingly cute!

Then we walked from Wynnum to Manly beach, had lovely fish and chips at Coopers which was expensive but amazingly good and then looked at the markets before walking back to Wynnum and the chariot awaiting us. Such a lovely day!

Then I watered the entire garden, let the chooks have a run around while I kept Miss B on the leash and watered. Now this evening a wild wind has come up, almost out of nowhere.

So know what wild winds do to me....lmao. Might settle down tonight with some DVD's and a drinkypoos as I'm quite exhausted from all the lovely fresh sea air.

7 October 2011

I slept all day today in contemplation of Kol Nidre. To ground myself I went out in garden and watered and wormweed, had a lovely chat to my neighbor and got back in just in time for Yom Tov and Shabbat.

7 October 2010

I had a productive day. Spread 4 big bags of horse manure around my garden...still need more which is amazing as I thought I had a lot to start with.

I almost finished shredding the branches I cut down and placing them in the compost bin. I feel good because I was planning on sleeping all day and not dealing with the world today. So I'm glad I managed to fight on another day.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons


About the author

Tanya Arons

I write about my life experiences. I write about complex ptsd, the agonies, the angst and my post traumatic growth. About Beauty, Truth and Honour and little vignettes of comfort from the spirits that love me: living and dead. I also Dance!

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