Memories: 7 February 2023

7 February 2023

Another hot day. I spent it making earrings from old NZ six pence and shilling coins.

I also advertised various pieces of china and crystal on FB marketplace as I am wanting to get the money together to buy the oxygen and lpg gas I need for my new torch. Hopefully I have a bit of luck moving the energy on as I don’t need so much crystal but I do need the torch to be fully operational so I can make jewellery.

I feel excited about my silversmithing journey. It’s definitely building a bit of a descending…as I gain confidence and improve on my skills.

7 February 2022

Watching “Surviving Death” on Netflix 🙂

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I am having lawnmowing dramas again. The last one won’t return my texts so has not even quit officially…just ghosting.

I will have to get a loan of some kind to buy my own lawnmower as I am so sick of this evil bullshit.

7 February 2021

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I think I am Declining into dementia. I just spent several seconds repetitively pressing buttons frantically on my tv remote...trying to turn off my air conditioner. I seem to do this often lately. Also mix up names of my pets and talk to myself a lot (although I have very good conversations with myself so there is that!)

I had a test for Alzheimers last year. Passed with flying colours. Yet oddly I do not feel well. Something has changed in my brain. Harder to synapse after waking up. Harder to maintain focus during the day.

A stark reminder that my life is limited and precious. Must be gentle with my Self. I don’t want to end up in those holding pens for death called Aged Care facilities shitting in my adult diapers. Yuck!

7 February 2020

7 February 2019

I just had a couple of mild “hysterical conversions”. Mild in that I did not need to lie on the floor to have a fit, but felt my vision go blurry and hands go numb.

I was not even hysterical. Just reading my status updates and other stuff. Hmmm. Must be the heat. Better drink more water.

I haven’t had those in a long time. Weird.

Bregje Tit: There must have been a trigger... try to find it, so you can heal it 🦋

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Even though the universe named my dog after “Violet Beauregard” which I unconsciously transmitted to him. More like Violent Beauregard 😉. But where were we?.... yassss. Not. Sugar.coating.shit!

7 February 2018

10.41 pm pain very bad (or less tolerance at night after suffering all day!) so am in my epsom Salt bath absorbing magnesium like a Bitch!

I managed to hang out some washing (which was fraught given how painful my leg is), changed my bedlinen (which was stinky from Sweat and Deep Heat which is the only deep penetration I get nowadays - and staying that way too).

Sense of humour, slowly slip sliding away as there is nothing funny about living alone in chronic pain and shit.

But all good! Tomorrow is another day and after that, another and I just keep dreaming my psychedelic dream of living a serene life surrounded by loving life-enhancing people across the border.

Only thing keeps me going some days. My vibrant imagination! In fact that is probably how I survived my family of origin, a husband and the detestable creeps that came along after my divorce.

Living in The Tanya Land, kabbalistically manifesting a better safer life. Oy! Here I am, 23 years later. Still fighting for my sanity and for my health.

Warrior of Light and Might. Daughter of capricious treacherous gods. I yield to Ye. I am satisfied that you brought me my nephew to bring much needed love and closure. That you brought my beloved daughter home safe (she tells me she will be going back to England as soon as possible to put on a play).

I can’t rely on her to be much of a fixture in my life. I had an instinct this trip home was a long goodbye before she left me permanently (or I leave her).

Still in all, her life is her own and frankly mine was never much valued. A family history cursed down upon my head by my grandmother Eva who suicided at 54 in a fit of pique and depression in post-war Germany 1949 having lost everything in the bombings, including her husband to TB in 1945.

It is believed she was not meaning to make a serious attempt, but the gas in the oven got to her before she pulled her fucking violent evil psychotic head out. Eva had bad lungs from her own TB infection, probably was another reason she wanted out by taking back control of her own demise. I get it!

So my mother found her like that when she came home from work and her fiance (who that morning with the cold clammy cruelty of youth had told my grandmother to hurry up and get on with her threat to suicide) lived with the guilt forever after. Or until he knocked up his boss’s 18 year old daughter with twins a few short years after my half-sister’s birth.

Yeah I come from a long line of arseholes. Biological and non-biological.

Anyway, tomorrow is my mother’s birthday. Or was, you know, when she was alive. Next month is the anniversaries of my father, my mother and grandmother’s deaths and my father’s birthday also.

But wait… I just have to get through February first. Even better, get this pain to stop. After all the epic bullshit I have suffered in life, now I get the undignified ignoble gift of being in chronic pain until I die. How very very rude is that?!

So just for this moment: I give myself permission to be angry about it all. About my failure to thrive from birth to middle-age and about my unfulfilled dreams of true love and Byron Bay, of a loving family and abundance.

I would stomp like a stumped out Rumpelstiltskin until I fell into another hole but you know, my leg won’t allow that to happen. I can barely walk let alone stomp or dance frenetically anymore.

But look on the bright side: I had some fun before I died. I beat the odds by surviving all those evil perverted motherfuckers and I may still squeeze a few good years out of my miserable life yet. I never expected to be around this long.

I am one determined woman. Beautiful, strong and a wise arse. Hang on to my wollene gutkes, it’s still gonna be a bumpy ride. But I will get there.

Update 2019: This time a year later, I am experiencing muscle weakness but much better than the weird nerve pain of a year ago.

I think I might just get better as I age (denial is a long river in Africa, and hope is a state of hubris and a bit of a salacious hag!) but miracles happen and you know, I have no options but to hold on for the allegorical much-vaunted “better times a-coming” my Auntie Sylvia always geed me up with.

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9.21 am awake. Less than 5 hours sleep. Really bad night again. Feel wrung out with the constant pain. Barely holding on some days. Nearly out of Lyrica which does little but helps me sleep although last night it did not even achieve that.

Anyway, happy thoughts... the wind is up and the day is relatively cool. The sun is shining. I have a block of chocolate, beautiful pets to cuddle and some lovely friends (and one daughter). Life has potential to get better and there will be bliss again.

Terrie Collier: I saw you at woolies yesterday, I called out but I don't think you heard me

Me: Oh, I didn’t see (or hear you). Was too focused on getting milk and bread and limping on outta there.

Hugs!

Also I often disassociate in supermarkets. Please forgive me if I did not “see” you. It’s not personal.

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2:12 am. Still unable to sleep due to bursitis/tendonitis in leg and hip.

Arggghhhhhhhhh. This is so frustrating.

I just took another Mobic and Lyrica to help ease the inflammation and nerve pain. I just realised both those medications sound like Serbian Timelords. Dobro Dobro!

I shall overcome! (Including my weird sense of the absurd!)

Louise Winton: oh Tanya you're having such a rough painful time, I hope your feel better soon XXXX

7 February 2017

I have really sore legs and feet from the heat. I did a bit of watering, pruned back some of the cardamom, pulled down a dead tea tree and dragged to the side of house. Cut down a banana tree that had fruited. I cut one down yesterday too. Put ice packs in the hen house for the night. Topped up fishponds. Cooked rice and a few stir fry veges for dinner.

Now exhausted.

I have joined Couchsurfing.com but don't have $28 to verify my profile. That will have to wait until next payday on Tuesday.

Mushu came home, I washed his wound with saline. He ate a bit then ran out again. I am still very worried about him.

This morning the tooth that caused me so much agony started hurting again. I am due to see QE2 dentist on Tuesday 14th. I must have been clenching my jaw in my sleep for it to be sore again.

I spent the heat of the day resting and did all those odd jobs after 3 pm when I had a burst of energy.

I feel a bit nauseous tonight. I didn't have much appetite. So I had a shower and am now resting again.

7 February 2016

4 am home from another night dancing. Fiona asked me to walk her over to Irish Murphys. She told me it is under new management, new security and I could come back.

I said “Nup, I have a hex on that place. They abused me too many times and got away with it. Even the state govt covered their arse when I wrote a formal complaint. Now I will not rest until they go broke”.

When I crossed over the street, Nathan from Jabba was walking past. I used to support his band as well as Berst every weekend at IM's. I used to ramp up the energy on my spot near the door with my wild tribal dancing.

Together with their great musicianship and my frenzied dancing, the place used to be packed to the gills. He told the head of security my name. He approached me and stated I was welcome back.

I said “Nup, I have had a permanent ban placed on me for the injustice of asking for protection from my assailants on the dance floor. Which was an outrage”. He said, “we are all new security, I am head of security you have nothing to fear here”.

I stated, “you don't understand. I fear nothing and no one, but I have a curse on this place of vomit and piss and sexual abuse.

You could not pay me enough to come back here after the evil way I was treated, when I had been good for business, doing my thing every weekend and with my hyper-vigilance from my PTSD, I was keeping the girls safe.

Notifying security when I saw men getting too sexual with my group of young women. For which I was banned”.

He said, “that wasn't my company. All those employees are gone”.

I said “but management is the same?”

He said “Macca and Robbie are gone”. Interesting. Scum never last long.

I said “but the owners will be the same?” He agreed.

I said “Tell them. I have a curse which will not be lifted. I see how business has gone down the tubes since they let me be fucked over.

I can't honestly feel sorry about that. You allow good women to be abused over and again, you deserve to go broke.”

He said he will come talk to me at the casino. I smiled. As if I will change my mind. I am amused however, that my curse seems to be working. The place was a shadow of its former self when I was there, stomping in my sexy boots and dancing wildly.

I wonder? When did any of my hexes ever work? This will be the first! I know several other women who were attacked there, so word gets around and my magical thinking (a pox on that establishment!) had nothing to do with it.

But they are stupid. They have no idea who they mess with, when they try to destroy a good woman. Yeah my temper can be extreme but only if provoked. I lay down and beg for no man/woman or child and no business either.

I still remember a year ago when they absolutely publicly humiliated me by serving me a drink then asking me to leave. They still took my money. Evil cunts. (I don't use that word lightly!)

So… I will do what I always do. Look after myself and go where I please. I was wondering why suddenly I was being 'courted'. Lmao.

Anyway, I am 51 in April. I can't dance like I used to. I staggered to my car barefoot, because security at the casino wouldn't let me take off my shoes. I know, occupational health and safety but again, I use my noggin.

I only take off my shoes when there is no crowd around me and anyway I am sober. But rules are rules. They harassed me then let other women dance in their bare feet. Mofoes. So my dancing days are almost over. My feet can't deal with the pain threshold.

I might just retire into oblivion and get my exercise walking Beauregard instead. At least he will appreciate and value me. ;-).

7 February 2015

Well, I held my head high and faced my enemies off. Then I left, and drove Brian to a mate's place so he has somewhere to sleep.

I lost my gold brooch (which was holding my dress together) and which I have owned since I was 15. So that was bloody upsetting! I rang Lost Property. Maybe someone decent will hand it in? I live in hope.

Living through interesting times. Some epic nastiness from spiteful envious women. Karma. Karma. Karma. I hope those 2 bitches rot in hell.

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3.35 am. Jarrod and Crystal spent the afternoon and evening with me. Then I went to the casino. My stalker attempted to harass me. Unsuccessfully, as I have written proof that I have told her to cease and desist.

The woman really is an idiot.

7 February 2014

I'm in the mood for Love! So I am out having a nice solo dinner at Jackpot Noodles then will be next door across road at Irish Murphy's. No Lovers there but I enjoy the music and dancing regardless.

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Up and at 'em. Rise and Shine. My hair looks like I inhaled Phyllis Diller then took Acid. Hilarious. Time to have a shower and adjust my coif!

Sherry Paris: Tell you how to fix that and I do this every morning! Bend over at the waist and just fluff away with your fingers. Flip it back over your head and fluff again.. Then wad it into a bunn. Ta Da! your doo for the day!

Me: Lol! I had to wash it. Now tamed it into a side plait and gone out for evening. Yayy!

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Just woke up to cuddles from Penny. Best Cat Ever! Light of my Life. No kisses this 'morning' though. I got a happy little half-mewl. Sounds like she is saying Mum or Meh. Lovely girl. She waxes impatient now. She wants me to get up. So we will enter the madness of another afternoon/evening.

I plan on going out tonight! I feel stimulated after the lovely show and dancing last night.

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Found my magnifying glasses in my bed. Yayyy! Eyesssss!

Woke up after only 4 hours sleep. Was just facebooking and drinking tea when I heard an almighty row in the chicken coop tractor. Tabitha (my heart swells!) was beating up a scrub turkey who was in there stealing the fresh grain I just put out for them.

First time she has ever gotten cranky about her food supply being stolen. The outraged crowing was hilarious too. Never mess with an angry redhead who's come back from the brink of death twice.

That Scrubber got quite a shock. Lmao.

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Gail came to visit me last night. She bought a gold class ticket to see the actors, "Tig", "Juice" and "Bobby" from Sons of Anarchy on March 28. She was so excited. She went home and ordered a silver ticket for me, so I could come too.

I am delighted as I love that show so much. I'll be able to sit in the audience while Gail gets to schmooze with the actors. I am happy to be able to go with her. I was just going to drive her there and pick her up so it's a great surprise that she bought me a ticket to go too.

You never know what cool people we might meet while we are there too. Exciting!

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I had a wonderful day. I got up at 3 pm, drove to Lyn's to spend a few hours with her and got a surprise call from Crystal with the offer of a free ticket to see Rocky Horror Picture Show at the Lyric theatre.

So I drove to the city, saw the show with Crystal, Ceils, Robyn and Aaron, then they went on to The Three Monkeys and I went to Irish Murphy's to dance. Robyn gave me a feather boa so I wore that to the pub as well. LOL.

Jo bought me two drinks which was sweet of her, and we danced and had a lovely time, then Crystal picked me up and drove me home as she is borrowing my car tomorrow for her teaching job down the coast.

Only sour point was I lost my glasses and then had to use a broken pair to try to see the actors with and then on the way to the pub I must have lost the broken pair so now, no glasses. I am writing this with a jewellers magnifying thingy on my head, and it's not working so great either.

So I will have to find an optometrist that bulk bills and get a new script and perhaps new glasses. Not being able to see is driving me completely mental. I barely passed the vision test for my driving licence medical yesterday so my eyes have deteriorated in a year. Meh! Aging is not for cissies.

7 February 2013

Sick, slept til 3.30pm. Exhausted, sick Blech Blech. Had an upsetting debrief with my Doctor so trying to come to terms with that. Not Happy, Tanya.

While he is monitoring me due to my condition being on the "edge" he also instructed me that I should continue to enjoy my Freedom and happiness. This is great encouragement but also an appalling double-edged sword.

I guess if I tip over the edge into full-blown madness I will never be Free or truly happy again? So enjoy Life while I can still cognitively rationalize that I am enjoying it? Fuck My Life!

I finally get free of my evil past, start truly enjoying life for the first time and then I am told my mind is about to Snap. FFS!

Oh well, there is my Destiny! Always to be elevated in one level and then torn to shreds on another! Will Hashem ever decide if he is going to ever let me live a safe, comfortable, happy, and truly Loved,Valued, Respected Life or am I forever to be the Victim of His Great Vicissitudes about my soul-journey?

I suppose I should be grateful and happy that I got to have 2 months of real Joy and Freedom before I finally descend into Madness and/or Death? It does seem such a small Victory over my Oppressors. To finally be Happy and Free, only to lose it all again.

I am so angry right now but even this is a pointless waste of emotion when my "Happiness Quotient" is about to be ripped out from under me! So what will I do now? Be Happy!

Update 2021: Beeee happy... ignore the arrant button pushers...it’s a hobby for them, like pulling Wings off flying Tanya’s then bitching when She falls. Nasty! But I rise and shine sustained by the Divine...daily.

7 February 2011

Update 2021: Ten years of toothy hell! When will it end?!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons