Memories: 29 May 2023

29 May 2023

10:34 pm If I could roll the timelines like a bead between my thumb and forefingers, swaying and smoothing the past and past “friends”, Ass…ociates and lovers, roll them on the table of honour beset before the holy one. What then would I have shifted out of Zachor, out of mind, out of heart? What scarifying purifications might I have performed? Pre-formed?

What light, what joy might have lined the inner dimensions of my core essence? What Lifelines, bliss, peace?

Ahhhh but the gods know best…yes they do. The tikkun olam. The rectifications. Death sits on my shoulders. Heaving like a hardflown albatross from shining sea to desolate deserts, to writhing mountains and sullen dank valleys.

I shuck her off each morning with my first awakened breath, shuffle my old lady bones, reconstitute my spirit…forever young and pure and beautiful. But Death knows…and I know…what was stolen from me.

I have worked hard at proving myself. Showing myself worthy. But of what? An abyss of emptiness as ancient as Time and as limitless and infinite as Space. More illusions. Quantum physics says so. There is more than the space -time continuum but I am trapped in this dimension. Regardless…Beauregard regarding me with avocations of a dog. His love is real. Real deal.

Yitgadal v’yitkadash. Magnified and sanctified. Life. Must go on.

You are but dust and moonbeams, dreams and ambitions, yearning and hope. Carved flesh and healed spirit. For whom does the bell toll? What is this mourning? After weeks of hard driven flurry of creativity?

What must die so you can bloom again, Little One?

(I cut the evil ones out of my life…one by one… but still they taunt me….what must die? What has died….? Like ribbons of breath on the wind…no real answer. Just blowing out the candles of hope. The last of Pandora’s box).

Shhhh little one…it’s not over yet. I still have much to show you.

(Uh huh…todah rabah! See you on the flip side. Laila Tov!)

29 May 2021

11:11 am on the spiralling cosmic wheel as we turn and re-turn to ever greater epiphanies and aspirations and sometimes perspiring whimsical bedevilments of perceived accomplishment...knowing that our time on earth is a fleeting yet somehow eternal co-creation and an evolution in consciousness.

Let love consummate our souls in bright and beautiful life-affirming ways and let those who truly See us and value us rejoice in our Becoming.

All 7 billion souls…dancing into the Light. In peace and bliss. Growing together, yet harming none.

Transmutation: our breath, from Oxygen to carbon dioxide, our nourishment, from food to excrement, our lifeforce : from birth to death. Our heart: from hope to passion to freedom and back again. Ever recycling. Ever spiralling, ever blossoming.

I am living past my former expectations and exultations...pushing myself beyond that desire for a love partner that only wrought me treachery and searing agony. Pushing myself into another paradigm where I provide all the love and passion and vitality and pursuant creativity I ever needed.

I was reminded of David Groen this morning who told me many years ago that people in our Jewish community were envious of my Freedom.

Hahahaha. So funny. But even freedom has its price and it cost me love relationships and safety and financial success and stability.

I had to walk on glass and metaphorically eat grass like a doe caught in the hairline sniper sights, in headlights. Fighting through my darkness and exploding like a supernovae into that long long night of despair and horror and dissolution and yes, gaining mastery over my traumas and my grief and my long history of loving cruel unrequitable unrepentant fucking monsters dressed up as “men”.

I had to forgive myself for trusting in Life and the angels when so many wrought only trickster spirits amid more catastrophic calamities that even that gun toting Jane could shoot at.

Me Tanya, not Jane, not quite a hero of my own imaginings, but titanium-coated and brittle to be sure. A golden girl dressed in silver and love’s sweet nonsensical garbs.

Lost and found on the trashed out garbage dump of life. A jewel yet to be perceived even in my own ancient ugliness.

Loved by only those who have the wisdom to know what my very essence portrays. In truth, authenticity and a little whimsical contrariness.

Push push push Mustang Kwe and then gnaw the blades of grass of obsidian fields.

Blessed and protected and deeply nourished by the gods.

Psy sighs. What a ride! What a fucking bucking knee buckling swaggering ride.

29 May 2020

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10:13 pm. I think I am finally done sorting the house. I need to go back to my former default state of Slothdom. Where nothing gets hurt but nothing gets done either! I might sleep for a week!

Tomorrow I am gonna rest. (I said that for the past two days!) but I think the house is in order.

Now to wait and see if there was a higher purpose for all this frenzied Berserker tidying.

I hope I remember where everything is!!

29 May 2019

Fuck! I was gonna go to the shops today but I have managed to upset myself over people from the past so now have a massive stomach ache. On such a beautiful day. So I am back in bed with Miss Penny beside me and she seems quite happy about that!

The shopping can wait.. I have time :-)

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Stay above their Bullshit, arise in your own Shining...and watch the evil bastards slowly unravel with their lies and contempt. Then rejoice in your new Becoming: free of abusers and their minions or henchpersons, free of your own grief and rage and malaise that you never earned or deserved but shitty people flock to you like maggots on bacon as they want what is yours: usually your strength and commonsense.

Kick that cuck to the kerb. Wash him outta your hair or flush that toilet (and hope the sewage pipe holds out as Blowback is a Bitch) then laugh at yourself for being a good enough person that you were “chosen” in the first place.

Let those petticoats slip (or the occasional bra strap) cos nothing but nothing is worth wasting a day, a year or 5 decades on monstrous callow perverted people. I know. Because I did. Waste. My life is like TS Eliot’s Wasteland.

I find myself “liking” comments on a group of a woman who once accused me of being a Nazi. A fight I fought to clear my name for over 2 years. Why do I like her comments??? Even though it pains me?

Because that particular ARSEHOLE, a one time “friend” is now advocating for survivors of child sexual abuse and makes very reasonable and decent comments. So even though she was once a slanderous piece of evil shit dribble, she is redeeming herself by sticking to a truth.

Pity the evil cunt never found the grace to apologise to me for slandering me as a new migrant to this Jewish community.

But I kick that shit to the kerb. The shit remains with her. Also the karma. Her damage to me caused more harm than good but it ennobled me as I got up and fought, for human rights, even for my own mother who herself had betrayed me since infancy.

So these ghastly ghouls incarnate did not ever realise what an amazing daughter, and friend they had. Never sorry. Just ugliness that goes on.

But the Truth remains the truth no matter how you turn it in the sunlight of your Reckoning. Live by it or die by it. But in the dying, you will always have nobility and grace.

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Back from the shops. I managed it with a great force of Will. Arghhh. But now I have the afternoon and evening and even nighttime to hibernate. Yayyy!

It’s going to be only 10 degrees Celsius this evening. I might go really risqué and drag out the heater. Woot!

29 May 2018

Last evening while Crystal and Jarrod were visiting, I had the most incredibly painful bout of what Google said was indigestion. The pain came in great waves of cramping, burning and even punching sensations from my oesophagus down to my belly and across my chest under both breasts.

I got breathless and panicky with the sudden unexpected pain, so Crystal gave me rescue remedy and I took some Ventolin. At one point I felt like I might black out.

Crystal made me bicarbonate of Soda with honey and apple cider vinegar in warm water and I sipped that slowly. After a brief while there were some belches and slowly I felt better although I had to take 2 panadol. 4 hours later the pain was back so I took more panadol and rescue remedy.

This morning I seem to be back to what passes for my version of Normal. Holy hell!

The Bob Jane T mart manager rang this morning and asked for the phone number of the mechanic and said he would ring me back. (He didn’t). So that stress was cruel and unnecessary.

Anyway the car is fixed (to my knowledge!) so that is the end of that crisis.

I feel quite exhausted from the constant struggles. So I was glad to have some happy time with my daughter and Jarrod (in spite of the pain episode).

We sat around playing a game, guessing song titles and artists which was pleasant (except I wanted to hear entire songs of my favourites) and Crystal got quite distressed by my wanting to sing Rage against the machine “Killing in the name of”. She said that song made her feel all jangly. Lol. It’s meant to!

So we sang snippets of nicer songs and I just laughed to myself as being Hardcore Mama T is a strange conglomeration of pain/trauma/ and a little whimsy!

Update 29 May 2019: 1 year later. Still waiting for gallbladder removal surgery....(I was promised one month on 15 April but the doctors and bureaucrats LIE.)

I just had my car serviced. Everything sound this time (hallelujah).

I still like hard rock but sing that for myself since it offends the sensibilities of my offspring.

We have been playing games lately. Fun! Life is good. I am battling extreme fatigue which will be gall related but hey, I have battled various illnesses all my life. I got this!

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NEVER EVER DO BUSINESS WITH BOB JANE T MART. They have harassed my mechanic. Accused both himself and me as liars then when I spoke to their head office about their Coorpooroo manager, they have denied any knowledge and refuse to accept responsibility for the fact my car was let out of their business with loose wheel nuts.

So my issue is that they have potentially let other women drivers out on the road with improperly secured wheels also.

How many accidents have they contributed to? Hopefully no one else had issues.

I am disgusted they impugned my mechanic’s reputation and disrespected me when I dared to complain.

I told the customer relations manager that their company was corrupt, incompetent and negligent. In my opinion, dangerous as well.

How hard is it to put nuts on a wheel with modern technology?!

I made it clear my complaint was not for compensation but for genuine concerns about the driver safety of anyone who had work done on 10 May 2018.

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29 May 2017

I have been out in the garden, pruning the remaining raspberry brambles so the fencers have a clear run. Now coughing with asthma and had to change out of my dress, which was wet with the heavy morning dew.

All good! Next adventure!

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I am grateful to my invisible friends (angels or spirits) who inspired me to do my work on healing and forgiveness with not only Ho'oponopono but all the other little tricks they had up their sleeve ie deep meditation, tapping, just keeping on breathing and maintaining my integrity and dignity.

May has been a very spiritual month. A real tripper of a roller coaster ride but sublimely (subliminally?!) beautiful.

I might be alone in my weird existence but I am truly Loved and those who held only envy and spite are losing their grip on my reality. Watching them freefall into the silent scream of the Void has been slightly gratifying (schadenfreude is not for sissies) but often painful.

As long as the Holy One and all the other gods keep them away from me for the rest of eternity and allow me to evolve into a peaceful loving safe and comfortable life (lives) I will be blessèd and grateful (from one accused of ingratitude by mortals who have no idea how much I have had to cede for my gratitudinous delights). Sociopaths! Hmmmph!

Anyway, new fencing, new visage, new protection. New life. Newly reinvigorated loves. New manifestations.

I have completed Wisdom Teachings on Gaia.com. Very interesting.

I might find another series to absorb into my psyche. (I don't retain much information so I can hardly call it study).

I have exorcised the demons of my past and now we begin the Beguine ...again. Life is a Fibonacci spiral. Revisiting things until they no longer cause us pain and suffering or until they slip slide away from our consciousness or literally fall off their perch.

I had a strange night Saturday night. Jenny arrived and told me I looked Radiant and an Indian woman at the casino came over to me and told me I am beautiful and she loves me. She is one of the regulars but I rarely interact with her.

I thanked her politely and with some bemusement. She herself is an attractive woman. But heartfelt compliments are always such a sweet surprise.

I knew I was on a new timeline when that happened. These waves of bliss can be lovely but always difficult when they crash and burn. Hopefully The Tanya can stay afloat on her personal Lifeboat for a long while yet.

29 May 2016

I have been dreaming a lot about moving without walking. Gliding through town. Now I see this. Maybe there is one in my future.

:-).

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29 May 2015

Shabbat Shalom! I pray the The Most High, Primordial Consciousness will act on my request and prayers for assistance with Manny Waks's continuing fight against Evil injustices perpetrated against child and adult survivors.

S/He neither slumbers or sleeps. Let no stone be unturned until all those grubs are brought before the Law. The law of Human courts And the Holy Law, which behooves no corruption or perversions of The Truth and the right to Justice.

May the Holy One hear our prayers and witness our suffering and bring immediate change to this dreadful situation.

Oh, Hashem, I will be Dancing tonight. Happy Oneg Shabbat. Love you, love your Work. Please do not let us Survivors down. Some of us can't cry anymore, and as you refuse to let me die, I am left with only dancing as fast as I can, and fighting in the supernal realms for justice.

I trust You will take swift action snd bless us all with redemption and peace. Amen!

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I think we need to Crowd-Fund a decent lawyer to fight for Manny and the other survivors to prevent these false Accusations of Defamation. (You are not being Defamed if the facts speak for themselves!)

I am on a Disability Pension but I am willing to pledge $20 towards this cause. Who is with me?

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Yesterday I had 2 hysterical conversions (small fits). Today I felt decidedly unhinged. Probably from a delayed reaction to the stress of facilitating Crystal's departure to Ireland.

Tonight I feel much calmer, also excited and happy about my new underbust corset and skirt. I found the package at my front door and tried it on right away.

I think I will go out wearing the new outfit tomorrow night.

I took things a bit easier today. No heavy schlepping! Another day of rest and I will be ready to party!

29 May 2014

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Wow! I spent yesterday in the garden. Watering, putting raked leaves in the compost, then throwing all the ash from my fires in there as well.

Crystal arrived to do her marking and I helped her by stapling stuff together.

Then Sarah, Crystal and I had a roadtrip to Warner Bros at Helensvale to drop off the marking. We were going to go out later but we all got tired.

I went to bed around 1ish and slept until 3 pm today. I was exhausted after all that activity yesterday.

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RIP Maya Angelou. A Real Woman of Power!

29 May 2011

Peter fixed my computer so Lyn's bringing it to me on Tuesday. Woohoo! I'm so lucky to have fabulous and talented friends who help me so much!

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I spent most of the day sleeping then spent the arvo in the garden - shredding leaves into compost then in the evening, I lit a fire and burnt all the old wood and branches. I got all smokey so had a second shower.

29 May 2009

Smile....you're on Candid Camera!

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I am sporting my new beaut white front crown...now I no longer look like an out and down clown.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons