Memories: 24 September 2022
Creativity in Coppers. Success is a blossoming fecund fruit. Eat well!
24 September 2022
3:48 am home from a lovely night of dancing. I am exhausted but content.
The vibe was off kilter earlier on in the evening but we all pushed past it.
I wore my full regalia tonight: corset, skull skirt, flower in my hair , my pale pink mules.
I noticed the last few weekends when I dressed more casual there was a lot more sexual harassment. So I put on my power outfit and hey presto! The men behaved much better!
Earlier yesterday afternoon and evening I played music on Spotify on my stereo while I sanded the three chunks of wood I bought in Reverse Garbage, then kept playing music while I cooked up roast chicken drumsticks and potatoes and sweet potatoes.
I was seriously in the mood for music! So even though I was feeling a bit tired I pushed myself to go dancing and I am glad I did.
The only weird thing was I spotted a few old flames in the crowd so had to studiously ignore them. Gross!
But they didn’t try to approach me so all good. It’s not like they were serious ever and hopefully they didn’t remember me anyway.
The crazy guy that I met at Lefties a few years ago…although I had no involvement with him as I ran away as he was batshit crazy and I didn’t want to deal with that. (He had kept screaming out “Galaxy” and getting very demanding of my time and attention so I had to bail on him.) Anyway he was at the casino tonight but I just kept turning away as I don’t want to deal with him.
Another weird arse guy I had coffee with once also turned up to stare at me for a while. I also ignored him.
Then an actual casual partner showed up. Awkward. But not one of them gets near my energy now., I finally learned to keep myself safe from false and feckless men. Albeit the price is loneliness, isolation and dancing as fast as I can until I leave my body and almost drop dead.
Still preferable to accommodating one more arsehole though.
A woman came to dance with me in the last hour I was there. She was quite sweet and mirrored my movements and looked at me with great affection and intensity.
I thanked her for dancing with me and we hugged. Sometimes it’s women who are more idealistically romantic than the men.
But we all had a good time.
I am glad I am free of the past lovers or wannabe lovers. It took a long time to heal my mind body and spirit from all of that! Almost 9 years.
24 September 2021
I just spent 3 hours forming this bangle. (Annealing it 5 times and smashing it into shape with a 2lb mallet. At one point I smashed my hand. It hurt so much I had to sit on the grass in case I fainted.
Ouch. FFS! But I rested a short while then kept going. With my sore hand…Only to have it snap apart near completion.
I am sooooo upset and disappointed. It was going to be an armband!
So close but no “chocolate fish” for me!
24 September 2020
11:11am another day in Paradise. Holding on while letting go. Hello in there?! Anyone home? Whistles the four winds and stands straight and proud in my Vortices of life’s streaming Dreaming.
Try not to think whom I might have been if Life had sowed me with Kindness and instead rejoice in whom I am in the Eternal Now. Alive. Aware. Happy.
Flowing with magic that is lifeforce that never gives up on this frail middle aged body. Dancing the dance of life even if I was cast out by Fate and feeble psychopaths. Not my tribe but found my Vibe.
Lovely and iridescent life like a Butterfly. Ephemeral. Just for today...do what needs to be done and Sway or Sashay Away!
Today I felt less shot to pieces by Fate, Dentists and poor health. I slept well enough. I got up at 10 am as the crystals I ordered for my Staff arrived.
So I got up, took a shower then went outside to glue all the bits and pieces on my staff.
I also remade an old silver necklace that my mother gave me years ago that was missing a cabochon. So hung it from my staff along with a cracked crystal pendant that was Gisela’s also. No use having broken stuff lying around gathering dust. Use it or lose it. It all looks lovely though.
I am on a wee walk with the Beau and Charlie so will take a photo of the finished staff when the Araldite glue is dry. (I had to re-glue the large quartz crystals twice. They may be too heavy to stick. But I keep trying!)
It’s a glorious day. I played my music...LOUD. I thought of all life’s bittersweet letdowns then thought...Fuck it! I am gonna be happy...no matter what.
24 September 2017
On a lovely seaside walk Redland Bay with Jarrod and our doggies.
It is like Gan Eden here. Mangoes, black sapote, wild raspberries, bananas, passionfruit. Just gorgeous fruit bowl, even a little rain forest.
I ate a black sapote that had fallen on the ground then just in case it wasn't a black sapote, I ate a fallen red passionfruit as an antidote. Still alive (but high on life) but still Vitally Vibrantly Bon Vivant.
24 September 2016
I had a wonderful time last night. Thank you Annette, Catherine, Tischia, Joe (who did his weird acupressure thing on my right hand again "for my stomach"). Not sure how effective it is as I jumped to the ceiling in a Yelp of pain but somehow I feel better. Lovely man.
I even quipped to Joe "What is my prognosis? I am going to die, just not today?!" He very dryly quipped back "Not today but Soon!" Then grinned impishly. Ahhh true loves get my weird fucked up sense of humour. I sighed with relief/release and happiness.
I said "You know, I have a phobia of Natural Healers". He just smiled. Could be worse. He could have been a homoeopathic psychopath. Lmao.
He danced behind me, pressed his back against my back as I sat on the stool. (So he could pummel my back with his own spine as he sensed I disliked his pummelling my back in a rough massage with his fists).
So I leaned back and pummelled him in his back with my enormous Germanic wide back muscles. Davidson once told me I had the body of a peasant and should be set to work ploughing fields. Haha.
Joe could not cope with my returning his own medicine. So that did not last long but we did enjoy our dancing side by side, bumping our thighs and hips together.
Security were very amused. They know I rarely make actual body contact with anyone when I dance. But Joe is a nice person unless he gets a little too personal in my space. Then I shove him off and waggle my finger at him and he laughs good naturedly.
I like dancing with him because he is very aware of my warrior status and how far I will let him go. He respects me. I like that in a man.
There was so much love in that room last night. I observed it and was ennobled by it. It wore some rough edges off my own moribund carbuncled soul. I am blessed.
24 September 2014
* Trigger Warning! Long story and may offend some people!
Yesterday there was a loud pounding on my front door. About 12.30 pm. I was still feeling unwell and the noise awoke me but I thought, Fuck it. I have a brass Fox door knocker and a brass ships bell (with beaded chain to fucking ring it with!)
So I thought. You, whomever you are, pounding on my front door like an Arresting Policeman can just Naff off! So I ignored it, rolled over and went back to go back to sleep.
So I hear voices at my neighbour's door (the ones that had the fire on Tuesday am). "Hi I'm Brent muffle, muffle" then my sweet traumatised neighbour answers him politely...then I tuned them out, thinking, Naff off Brent you noisy bombastic pain in the arse! Then I went to sleep.
So today. Omg! I am sitting outside at my outdoor table, hair unbrushed and wild-looking, wearing an old cotton dress that I wore as a nightie last night. No underwear cos I wasn't going anywhere and the dress is very long and you can't see anything and I don't give a fuck. Seriously. Would you believe it?
I had just made a cup of tea and had just started drawing the words for my new sign in copper with pink chalk, while watching my chooks and cats and rabbits and minding my own business when a couple, an older man in his 50's and a young woman in her 30's call out to me from the side fence cos they could see me and decided to pester me.
So I see they are not Mormons or JoHoes as they are both wearing a uniform so I say to them "I am just making a sign for people like you". The guy pales, says "People like Us??" I say "Yeah, hawkers, religious nuts and Hookers." I look at the girl. "Just joking about the Hookers, Love." She smiles peevishly. I say this without getting up from my chair cos Hello! No underwear, not taking any chances.
So the guy tells me he knocked on my door yesterday. So I nod and smile. I say, "So you are the arsehole that woke me up pounding on my door like a policeman?" He says, "Well yes, and I used to be in the NSW police force." He goes a bit pale, this time seething with anger and frusration.
I say, "Yeah that would be right! I bet you were a tough one too, I've heard all about NSW policing." I giggle. He says "We are better than Queensland Police". I say "Yeah that wouldn't be hard" and giggle again.
I say "Well, today a crazy woman in Holland Park has just called you an arsehole, so how does that make you feel?" He good-humouredly tells me that it may not be the first time he's been called an arsehole but it is very special, being from a crazy woman in Holland Park. I laugh.
I say "How am I doing on my Bitch Quotient? Do you think I could earn some money from this?" He says "I could make some recommendations". I give him the death stare (hairy eyeball). I say "I am very sure you could", and there is a pause. Then I laugh again.
He hears my accent and asks me where I am from? I say "I see years of training have not gone astray, you are nosey, aren't you?" I say "I am a True Blue Australian Queenslander Mate and don't you ever forget it! I am an Australian citizen and dead proud of it."
He looks baffled and says "you sound like a Kiwi to me?" I said "Yeah that is also true!"
He says "Where you from in NZ?" I said. "Now you want to know where I am from? What use is that information to you?" I nod at the woman. I say "Your co-worker and I are starting to think you are Flirting". She giggles nervously. (I stopped at saying next you'll want to know what colour my underwear is?) but the thought makes me giggle insanely and they laugh along too.
He says "No really, where in NZ you from?” so I tell him "Island Bay, where the wildest and the most feral lived, with daily views of whales going up and down the Cook strait and the Inter-island Ferry twice a day making passage and the coldest windiest wildest shithole there ever was!"
He says sympatheticly "Windy Wello, I was at Johnsonville then Palmy for 2 years! "
I said "My dad was born there. Another shithole! Not close enough to the mountain to be cool for skiing but cold.”
"Yeah" he says, "Real Cold!"
I said "Well now I am the crazy Woman of Holland Park getting sunstroke as we speak , so what did you want anyway?"
They were selling Solar panels for heating! I said “Well, if I owned this place and had money I would definitely buy that. Wonderful thing! But I don't and as I am the biggest bitch in Housing they would probably put me to the bottom of the list if they ever did decide to give us Solar Energy but they won't cos they are stupid like that."
He looks aghast! "This is Housing?" I said "Yeah!" He and the woman tell me they think it looks great, the roses, the toilet outside with the plants in it, even the possum box.
I said, "Well, yeah. I look after The Silent ones!" (Give him a slightly intense look!). He says "Silent ones?" I said "Yeah, the animals who don't have a Voice and are not heard. I am not a Total Bitch you know, only 95 %!" I laugh again. He says. "Oh I was thinking you were only 60-70 per cent bitch."
I laugh. I say, "there you go with the flirting again, well then I have some skills! You will never forget me, now you have something to tell your grandkids about." He says, "I am off to tell my kids as soon as I get home." I said "Good on you! It's a beautiful day, have a good one."
They depart bemusedly, and he yells back "Yeah, I am off to see my Police Psychologist now!" I yell back "Yeah, Say Hi from Me, I got half the admin at the QPSA into therapy! Don't forget to get your Compensation!" and I burst out laughing.
Trauma survivors. We get that Shit!
So funny thought… No 1. I wish I had brushed my hair as I should really marry that man . And 2. As I was busy polishing my copper doorknob I said to Jarrod (who is well-accustomed to my lunacy!). "Here I am with a copper sign at the front gate, to banish an ex-copper while madly polishing copper. It's a cop out. ". Oh, c'mon, somebody stop me.... ROFLMAO!!!
I have had a lovely longgggg chat to my bestest friend Jarrod who hasn't had a 3-hour earbash with me in years! Woops, Sorry Mate!
Last night was very spiritual and powerful. I finally released a lot of emotions and let go of an old love wound I had been harbouring and fucking nurturing like a dying pet for a year. I had blown life into it so many times and got so little response.
I am done. I am done with users, liars, manipulators and cheats. I am done with fake people.
@ Lyn. Your dream is right! There are 3 who are false and want nothing but to drag me under the depths or to control me.
That is not Love nor Friendship. I am awake and aware. I will heal!
It's been another hard year for me emotionally but I have risen to every shitty situation and person and beat them back and out of my orbit.
I will not go back to Zombie-ism and allow Monsters to suck my life-force dry while I exist in the shadows barely living my life. Those that want this for me can fuck off.
I don't shuffle anymore, and I don't deny my right to my own authentic awesome life anymore. I deserve the very best, including in my relationships with people. Don't like me, respect me, care for me or want the best for me??? Unfriend me.
I have only wanted others to see the best in me and for them to enjoy the very best in themselves. Stars shine together in the firmament, neither is diminished by the others' unique glow. That is how it should be. Laws of Nature.
Be an individual, bring your own talents to the fore, love yourself, nurture what is amazing about you and don't dumb down or diminish for anyone. When you love who you are, and what you do, others follow suit. They see they can do or be capable of wonderful things too. They learn to Love themselves and others more.
Don't hold them back or down, out of fear or ignorance. They have their path that is uniquely theirs. Let them Be and set them Free!
12.45 am exhausted so in bed early, the gardening must have been too much as I have pinched nerve in my back now. Nothing a good sleep won't fix.
Soon I will reap the rewards of my labour. There will be roses!
Penny is purring next to me and licked my fingers. (Her version of a Kiss!). I am loved!
24 September 2013
Nice day. Had afternoon tea with Jarrod then dinner with Gail and Christina, then home to Paltalk and then watched TV.
24 September 2011
Crystal's directing and acting in "The merchant of Venice" tonight was/is amazing. She is a huge credit to her mother who shepped so much Naches and in the words of The Bard himself, to her Tribe. Mazel Tov Crystal...Love your Work!
24 September 2010
oh well, while trudging up Nowhere Road I had a lovely Indian dinner with Crystal and Jarrod. Happiness is a full stomach and congenial company.
Sylvia Shine: are you back together?
Me: No, not this time. Courtenay broke up with me on Wednesday. So it's Kaput with a Kapital KKK this time. Jarrod is my best male friend of 18 years. Sorry for the confusion.
I had two main men in my life, but now I'm back to just the one, and he's the best mate a girl could ever wish for and loyal too. Unfortunately I can't say the same for my lovers. Schmeh.
It might do me good to have some Me Time then get back on my defunct- relationship-pony and find another bf one day. Not in a hurry though...Kind of over it, frankly.
All I ever wanted was a man who was crazy in love with me, but all I've ever attracted is Crazy men. (I might have to work on this formula sometime so that one day it comes out in my favour for a change!)
Pity that chemistry might work for me, but the hard stuff like commitment, fidelity, respect and true love weren't in my DNA of survival recipe book when Hashem prescribed (Proscribed?) all my relationships with men. I could beat my breast as to why this is, but for now it's enough to know and accept this has been my Fate so far.
I've been through a lot this year, so looking forward to some serenity. "Oh the serenity....tell 'em you're dreaming!" Playing fast and loose with The Castle dialogue. You can make anything good if you EDIT and Cut and Paste yeah?
Not too worry, Sylvia, I'm still laughing. It's all so insane, all I can do is laugh hysterically right now.
I seem to be moving through life in a sea of sludge trudging on a road to nowhere and when I get there, to what end? I mean, I'm paid by the Government to be happy and settled oh my and they even give me cheap drugs....so what's the endgame? I'm holding on to hopes of a better future but what if this is all I'll ever be? Scary!
24 September 2008
is happy to have Crystal home...between us we are carless but such is life
is waiting for Crystal and for Godot.
Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons
About the author
I write about my life experiences. I write about complex ptsd, the agonies, the angst and my post traumatic growth. About Beauty, Truth and Honour and little vignettes of comfort from the spirits that love me: living and dead. I also Dance!