Memories: 23 April 2023

23 April 2024

Watching “Searching for the dragons 17” on YouTube. I look up and see a cloud with what looks like a dragon. Jungian synchronicity strikes again :-)

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The housing inspector just left. He was a lovely very large Maori man fresh out from NZ. He told me “I am glad I left your house until one of the last to inspect. Your house has such wonderful positive energy. I feel all happy and uplifted”.

I was amazed. I used to get rancid bureaucratic little man syndrome psychopaths. He said “I look forward to coming to your house again, in one year’s time! You’ve created a beautiful home here! I replied “And with your wonderful attitude, you will be more than welcome!”’

A soul nourishing encounter indeed. His name was Gerardo! Lovely man.

23 April 2023

I woke up at 11:17 am. I worked (and danced) hard over the last four days so here comes the typical Tanya Crash and Burn. But I needed the sleep so “je ne regrette rien!”

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This afternoon and evening’s mischief. I think I made my gumnut babies too freckly with the ball burr. Oops. What can I say? My freckles will keep happening because Strayah….Maaaate. Not to mention the epic slicing from my skin cancer excisions.

I also cut off the sprue from the large gumnut embryo ingot thingy. Now I am tired and hungry. I also cleaned my guttering today, then pruned banana trees and a few other plants. Exhausting! #titaniasrealm #somebodystopme #toomuchmagickisnevertoomuch#toomuchmagickishappening #ineedarest #takemeonadaytriptoAnywhere #covermeinkisses lol

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11:33 pm. This one is a work in progress. I just posted these photos on the Women’s Metalsmith Collective as someone else was asking for advice on setting their square stone. Synchronicity!!

This will be my first stone setting into a bezel so I am nervous as hell. Someone already wrote that the stone is soft so will crack. Another woman replied that it should be fine as long as I go slowly and gently and am patient. I am grateful for that encouragement as I am not even sure it will survive the soldering of the bezel to the backplate.

I worked on making the bail this afternoon. Well I made the bail yesterday but it was not bending right so I cut the edges of the square so it bent in a more geometric fashion. I will need to solder the bends so it is strengthened again in the two corners of the bail. Anyway hopefully I will make this beautiful pendant in a few days time…all being well!

23 April 2021

I am surrounded and infused with Beauty and sacred healing even though large aspects of my soul are a festering seeping wound.

The pain in my liver/drain site increased when I stood at the top end of the island where Gisela and David’s ashes are deposited.

I noticed a dead unnatural silence. I prayed to my true loyal loving Ancestors to protect me from their filthy cloying interfering energies.

I walked back down the beach, heading home. Halfway back down the strip of beach I heard the tiny gnashings of dozens of little pincers. The only sound on the beach.

Two sweet little girls greeted me with a warm hello. They stopped to chat about their love of cats and showed me a photo of their cats. Gorgeous.

I felt loved by little miniature strangers. Life is bizarrely good!

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Shabbat Shalom! It’s dark! I am tired. I would go dancing if it weren’t for that fact and that I also have to find a new venue where I am not treated like a bush pig for my femaleness. Hmmm.

I wonder where that new spot might be?

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1:11 pm also saw 12:11 and 11:11! My angels are recalibrating my soul. 🙂

23 April 2020

23 April 2020

Today I made a cheesecake in the microwave. The recipe which I must have accidentally deleted grrr Gave no accurate measurements.

So here is what I did:

I crushed half a packet of digestive biscuits. Added a little butter (not in recipe) and spread them in the bottom of an earthenware bowl (suitable for microwave).

I then mixed together 500 gms of plain Greek yoghurt (I assume you could use any yoghurt!) and one tin of condensed milk. Poured the mixture into the bowl.

Put it in microwave and nuked it four minutes. (Possibly could have cooked for another minute !) Then put the cake in fridge to cool.

Delicious. Too bloody delicious and easy and diabolical. ;-)

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4:22 am another long night of insomnia. Arggghhhhh. Driving me nuts. I lay in bed thinking about all my maternal ancestors especially the female line. So much loss: infants and iniquity and illegitimacy. Suicides. Poverty.

Ahh well, I am still kicking on in a covid19 pandemic practise-run apocalypse and that is already an astounding miracle.

Sleep...is for the birds. Who will Soon be waking up while I (hopefully!) eventually pass out with exhaustion. 🙂

From comment section:

I slept from 5am to almost noon. 7 hours sleep after battling all night. Weird. Woke up to a hot late April day. Also uncanny. April is usually cooler.

I found out my biological aunt died in that air raid shelter on 6 Sept 1944.

I then realised something odd. That date was also my mother’s best friend “Auntie” Lotte’s birthday.

For the past few years I seem to always have some kind of luck or breakthrough on that day. (Notably on 6 Sept 2012 that foul and cruel will dispute ended and I received my relatively paltry inheritance).

Last year nothing extraordinary happened but I felt her presence most of the day. So now I think the spirit “gifts” on that day may also be from my aunt Greta Patula.

She died 21 years before my birth but I feel confident she may be one of the “spirits that love” that I call on for assistance from time to time.

Perhaps that is why I could not sleep last night and my energy was running high. The ancestors clamouring for attention in excitement, as I have been working on the family tree.

Pity I could not see or hear them and only felt “activated” by learning more of their life stories. The few bare facts one can glean from birth and death and marriage records.

23 April 2019

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Musing on a book title for a book I may never actually write.

Un-Ravel-ing…Maybe unrevelling.

Or Beloved. a wry twist on my actual life but then someone already has a book named that. It was a wonderful book actually. So I need to think of another title.

I like Unravelling. Whirling dervishing my light into the Void. Singing my dream in the primal scream of the sacred streaming.

The book unravelling in the ether, waiting like my heart, to be plucked and gathered in and revealed.

Meh!

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I said “Say hello to the people” and he gave me this really suss look :-). I was eating chocolate cake which he can’t have but he drooled on my lap. So I offered him a Schmacko which he was really excited about.

He gobbled it up then climbed up on the couch on the arm rest which seems to be his favourite spot. So I tried to get a nice photo but The Beau abhors having his picture taken.

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Last night I had a long chat with my friend Nigel in NZ. I deconstructed my entire love affair with Dave with him. When I explained all the crazy ways we put walls up against each other and yet we are still connected by an energy that is inexplicable, I felt a peace in my heart.

Sometimes love is not enough to keep two people together. It takes a certain level of acceptance and a willingness to include the other person.

All my life I have had to look through perspex with my fingernails ripping, trying to have real authentic love in my life. Never had it in any of my sexual relationships but certainly have been greatly loved by my beautiful friends.

Well I have reached acceptance that some people are not capable of loving a trauma survivor. We are marked and tainted through no fault of our own, but we are strong in what we want from life: safety, connection, love that is nurturing and edifying, and peace. We crave loyalty and respect.

Whenever I let former lovers into my life and they began chipping away at my heart and soul it became a war of epic proportions.

So I actively choose to remain alone and live in the comfort of my garden, pets and real friends. It took decades to heal from the constant abuse of former family, husband and ex bf’s.

I feel this morning like I am finally getting to a point where I can breathe again. Be joyous again. I can see how Dave might have wanted to test me and how even now 5 years after meeting him, how he still sneaks a peek at me as deep down he knows we were thwarted from evil spiteful envious forces bigger than both of us.

But no one killed my love. It’s mine. To give out as I please or to tuck back into my chest and slowly simmer and nurture until the next time I feel brave enough (or foolish enough!) to toss my heart out into the heavens and see who capriciously picks it up and recognises its true worth. Hmmm.

Maybe next life. The one who truly loves me and wants to be my life partner will treat my heart with care and deep respect and uphold me. No games, no bullshit, no vapid cruelties and no competition.

He will choose me each and every time amongst 7 billion people and he will not stifle or abuse or keep me as a trophy. No. That is not want I want. I am a woman of worth even in my abject poverty and mental health issues. I am deserving of a loving core family, genuine friends and a partner who honours me.

I have lived alone for 24 years and I will not sacrifice my autonomy for anyone. I walk humbly with my gods and only they can see what is truly meant for me.

23 April 2017

This afternoon I attended Yom Hashoah (commemoration of the Holocaust).

It is always a sombre affair. Mass genocide and generational trauma will do that for you.

However whilst awaiting the service to begin, I had to giggle as sitting in the front of me was the Chabad Lubavitcher rabbi (one of "my" rabbis who has always upheld my dignity in the past. A lovely Mensch!). To the left of me 2 rows in front I could not help notice a young woman with long brown hair sporting a tattoo on the back of her neck. Cool! Thought I!

Ahhh but no..wait for it. Her young male partner (brother? Bf?) sitting next to her, quickly pointed out to her that the Rabbi was sitting not far away and might also espy the tattoo. She blanched and quickly flicked her long hair over the tattoo to hide it, glancing over at him to check whether he had seen it or not.

I giggled. Ahem. Jews! If you are gonna rebel against ancient Torah prohibitions against tattoos and scarification and no doubt other body modifications then please, stand by your decision and don't hide the salient facts. Haha. I nearly fell off the pew.

My tattoo was not on display as I ran out of singlet tops and had a sleeved t-shirt on as it was the only clean one left. I don't run and hide from G-d/Rabbi/or from the Goy. I yam what I am Yam. A daughter of Hashem in all Her infinite tribalist displays. A survivor.

Anyway the service eventually began (Jewish mean time 10 minutes late grrr) and towards the end of it a sweet little girl came to sit beside me and shot me a lovely warm smile. She leaned forward to let her father and aunt know she was feeling hot.

They passed her a water bottle. She noticed I had been fanning myself with the service pamphlet. So I took pity on the child and gave it to her to fan herself with. She was thrilled.

Being a child she took off her shoes and pulled up her top layer of her dress (thick lining underneath so I resisted the urge to pull her dress back down as nothing was on show.)

But the dear proceeded to point all ten of her toes under the seat of the man in front of her (so she could prod him on the tochas!) I quietly asked her if she knew the man? (Yes, he is my aunt's bf!) Gave me another triumphant beatific smile.

By this time I suggested she might get in trouble for poking him with her toes so she stopped but seemed perfectly happy in my company. (A soulmate!)

When the service ended she walked out the back and awaited her family members. I stopped and gently asked her "What is your name, little one?" She grinned and said "Evangelina!"

I shook hands with her and stated "I am Tanya Arons. Have a wonderful day" then moseyed on down to where the statue is, to finish off the prayers outside.

That little girl was a breath of fresh air and reminded me of myself as a child. Very enchanting. Or evangelical. Lmao. Unusual name for a Jewish girl. But whom am I to judge?

I got the usual filthy looks from my usual enemies. But I am not bothered. Karma! B'Shalom! Lol!

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23 April 2016

12.17 am in bed with my cat, Penny. Bobo the Berserker in his crate for the night. House silent. I hope I feel better tomorrow.

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Haha! Finally dragged out the wet feathery mattress topper. It took 2 days to wash and rinse effectively. Struggling to get it in the Hills Hoist and the washing line bar finally snapped after being broken for 13 years. Another job for housing (or me! If they won't replace it).

However, I have finished another big job and also WD 40'd my front door lock which has been fighting letting me in for the past few weeks. The new glass in my door looks nice.

I might even buy a nice colour to paint my front door. Housing are supposed to paint the house but I am bored of Federation green on my front door.

All I need now for the house and garden to look tidy is the lawn mowing.

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Wow! Just had to drive back to Bob Jane's as I left my wallet behind. Someone kindly handed it in. So lucky. Hashem has smiled upon me today. Thank You!

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So relieved, happy and grateful. It has been a busy day but everything is back in order. My anxiety is still high but I will settle now I know the car is safe. Or take extra Seroquel.

How lucky was I to get 3 blessings in one day, money for tyre, an open tyre place and then my wallet back!

23 April 2014

Back from my debrief. I had to take the bus as Crystal has my car. It's always good to see my Dr. He and I always have a laugh at my bizarre life.

23 April 2011

Got up at 2 pm. Did several loads of washing, went for a walk with Bella Mi Amore, and listened to my favourite healing energy speakers. Did some dishes. Lots more to do. It'll happen.....one day. I planned on doing it all this evening but my motivation and zest has just washed right outta me. Schmeh. It'll all be here manana!

23 April 2010

My lawyer is taking a Caveat out on Mum's house so hopefully we can stop those Gunnafs in their tracks if it's not too late already.

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Tonight I had a lovely and amusing dinner with Crystal and her new boyfriend Sunny and Jarrod. The meal was delicious, an Indian restaurant in Carindale. The company was congenial and the mutual observation was intriguing LOL

23 April 2009

It's the day after the day before the first day of the rest of my life...now what the hell am I going to do with it??? Slip sliding away...you know the nearer your destination the more you're slip sliding away.

Still Crazy After All These Years......and for the uninitiated..don't forget the other soundtrack to my life...So tired of Waking up Tired...lmao

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Paltalk sucks majorly lately and I have no one to play with....wahhhhhhhhh!!!! I have to whine at least once a day to keep my psychiatrist in pay....

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons