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Memories: 21 January 2023

Hope springs eternal.

By Tanya Arons Published 4 months ago Updated 2 months ago 15 min read
Memories: 21 January 2023
Photo by Sharavanan Raja on Unsplash

21 January 2023

9:25 am up and dressed. I don’t know why?! Oh yes, that’s right. My bladder demanded it. I had a bit of a panic attack around 4 am. Convinced that I am dying. I had to Talk myself down and remind my silly old self of all the myriad other times I did not die and how utterly miraculous and mysterious THAT was.

But this time I feel different. Like time is outrunning me and the clock is running backwards.

I looked around my house this morning, thinking that I need to declutter all non-essential stuff so that my daughter(s) don’t have the massive task of sorting excess dross when I die. More Swedish death cleaning is in order…even if I live another ten years…it’s not such a bad idea.

Then I panicked that I don’t have enough money to pay for my funeral. Then I panicked that I bought equipment that needs to be paid off over 12 months. Then I panicked that I might not be able to make enough jewellery (or even sell it in an actual Apocalypse) to build up enough cash stability to afford said funeral.

All this while barely synapsing due to dancing for four hours then only a few hours sleep.

So wise Tanya said “shut the fuck up, calm the fuck down. Drink your tea, kiss your bird, delight in your garden. The dying thing is a program you don’t need to be running just yet. Time is a construct. You’ve got eternity! Don’t sweat the small stuff!”

But it’s not small stuff! The love partnership that never manifested. The travel to all the sacred spaces of the world I never afforded. The sanguinity and peace in my heart and mind stolen by a frankensteinian bladder, bad lungs and a malfeasant negligent hospital that loses one’s notes. Outrageous! All of it!

But….today is as good a day as any other day to not exist in anxiety/fear/distress/disease/trauma/horror and isolationism.

What am I going to do to counterbalance it?

Smile into the Void and dance. Next week. Next month, next year…until…this all turns to dust and ashes and I kickstart my reality yet again.

Interestingly and concerningly I met a woman just as she was leaving the ladies toilets, (I was going in). She stood and waited for me so I told her she could come out first. (The awkward entry point into the women’s toilets which can take maneuvering).

She said “Oh I just peed and I have this sensation of being full still” looking alarmed. She was tall and very slim. But we women with sensitive bladders are struggling. It was a tad confronting, that I am not the only one struggling with that same issue right now?

What are they putting in our water supply? Or is it the cumulative stress we have endured for the past three years?

I just nodded. I said “I hear you, sister. I suffer with that too!” She looked horrified and said “I will just hold it in for longer”. I said “No, don’t do that…let it go, let it flow”. Perhaps this is a new experience for her, not being able to void properly? But I didn’t ask. It’s too damn confronting and weird!

But…today is gonna be a good day. I will make it so!

3 am. Home from a lovely wild night of dancing. Alter Egos played them a dj. Some dreadful crass woman flirted licentiously with Scott the bass guitarist. I told her he is married to a gorgeous woman! But she still kept moving in for the kill.

I just kept dancing on my spot and trying not to laugh at the woman’s intense sexuality.

Scott thanked me for having his back as he heard me tell her he is married to a beautiful woman. I said “No worries but you can’t blame the woman, after all you ARE gorgeous and on top of that you are an incredibly lovely person!” He was really happy!

He said “Oh you have a NZ accent! How sweet!” I felt very much honoured!

Later in the evening a woman named Donna came up to me and asked for my phone number as she wants me to go to the Broadbeach casino with her.

Uncharacteristically I gave her my number and sat with her and her friends before heading home. She seemed a lovely person.

So I had an interesting night, making new friends. I even met a nice Scottish man but he wandered off and spent the rest of the evening chatting to another woman. So hohum. I guess I must have weirded him out or something. I do that with men. Keep myself safe that way.

Donna’s friend Steve went to kiss me on the lips “goodbye” when I left and I visibly recoiled. He was a nice enough man but I am not up for that level of intimacy with some man I just met.

So driving home I worried that Donna might have wanted my phone number for nefarious reasons but I hope not!

I guess if I get weird heebie jeebies vibes I can always block her number.

Time to sleep. I feel glad to be home safe in the quiet of the early hours of this morning. Being single for now 28 years means I am always alone and always grateful for that.

21 January 2020

11:11 pm. Time to Schluff. Walk and talk with the angels in the dreaming.

I have had a productive day in spite of the extreme heat and humidity. The storm passed by only enough to let down some rain and show me the heat coming out of the concrete path. Like a sauna with water on hot rocks.

I had hurried Charlie inside but he could have stayed out there as it was just a fizzer. Still better to be safe than sorry.

21 January 2019

I had a lovely relaxing afternoon and evening with Jarrod.

My legs and feet were sore from the heat but we still managed to take Bobo for a walk through the Forest. Then we went to West End for dinner. Then watched the new Ghostbusters movie.

21 January 2018

I had a beautiful night last night, dancing with Jenny and Karen. Morris came to dance with me to his favourite song Khe Sanh and Joe also came to dance with me earlier in the evening. Joe kept saying he missed me (whatever that means as I am at the casino every weekend, albeit mostly can only manage one night now). Still it was lovely to dance with my friends and be joyous.

An old flame (my long awaited Beloved - rolling my eyes) came to watch from the distance and safety of the tables at the end of the dance floor. Our eyes met briefly.

My heart did its weird cosmic avalanche of hope, mixed with abandonment and a wry bemused sense that after everything, all the utter pointless bullshit, he still finds himself coming to have a look at me. Not bad for a traitor and a coward.

I know he loved me, how I know, I can’t explain. His behaviour was not particularly loyal or consistent. But I hold some weird fascination for him.

I did not leave my spot and danced joyously with my beautiful friends and thought to myself, as much as I adore that man I shall not empower him to steal my joy or my freedom to express myself in all my glorious delusional circumspection and unbridled frivolity.

Other lovers have tried to kill my joy, my right to my personal integrity and have played me false. I know how that goes. Usually with their ugly hands at my throat, their dicks buried inside other women and their glaring haunting obsession from beyond the veil. Hahahaha.

I have decided that if I am to achieve my goals of true passionate loyal love and perhaps financial Success I need to give myself permission to allow the real possibility that my heart can accept a man into my daily existence again. (Not any man! The Man).

Trembling with trepidation at the thought. It is true. My subconscious remembers how many times they have sullied, scorched, strangled and raped my mind body and soul! She puts up barriers against any chance of a love relationship as she knows my desire for safe autonomy, freedom, joy is more of a priority.

Seeing my nephew (who defied his own family to meet up with me, such was his love for me from early childhood memories) reminded me that the family curse (the same curse that drove me into poverty/trauma and isolation) can be tweaked if not completely destroyed. Cracks of light are streaking into my psychedelic dream and this current paradigm shift.

The Tanya can and will Thrive. She (I) can have everything that other women have. A life where I am Adored, cherished, valued, in a safe but fun and supportive life partnership with a man who will never ever ever go out of his way to hurt me. Respect. Generosity. Romance.

Byron Bay is calling me. Every day in every way I manifest my reality of deep abiding love and happiness. In the sacred space I choose to live in, with the companionship of people I love and trust, a life-enhancing, community of souls who See me and Love me anyway. Human, non-human and Spirit.

So mote it be. In the Eternal Now. (I wax impatient).

I heal myself to the tenth generations before me (on all sides of the family tree!). In healing myself I bring peace and joy to my ancestors and old wounds that kept me from enjoying success, love and good health or cosmic resonance of a high vibration are finally sealed and protected, never to be rent open and leached again.

I release all the barriers to love that I have put into place. I trust that my heart is pure and safe and that HaShem brings me to a new kind of life where I am valued and respected, cared for and protected and no malevolent spirits, physically incarnated or eternal may hold sway over my destiny ever again. (Except to avoid car accidents, that is a valuable skill to have! 🙂 ).

Blessèd be the Holy One, Author of Life, Creator of Universes and Dimensions of infinite swirling interconnected Love.

For bringing me to this season, for sustaining me, for healing me, for upholding me (even by the scruff of my oblivious self-immolating little stubborn neck like a straggling mewling kitten, or a lost Lioness). For good friends, true loves in all its many and beauteous forms, for freedom, for joy, for the companionship and comfort of my mature age. For never giving up on me even when I gave up on myself.

For Charlie, for Beauregard, for all the cats, for Chaim. Life. A gift more precious than I ever could imagine. A long fought for, much desired gift.

Come on home, Spinner! Mama T/psychedelic Dreamer/The Tanya is waiting.

New baby is making his way into the world with my cousin Megan’s family in NZ. Exciting but stressful. Praying for a safe fast delivery and much joy!

In the past 2 months there have been several births around me and many friends and my neighbours voyaging overseas. My neighbours Warren and Tash just got back from several weeks in Italy. Just wow!

I wonder when/if I will ever move out of my personal Vortex? So much Fibonacci spiralling potentialities surrounding me.

But I have the Charlie and the Beau to keep me grounded.

21 January 2017

8.36 am. I woke up to discover that Tabitha Hen was dead. So I have buried her. So sad. She was the oldest. I assume the heat got too much for her, even though I have been giving them frozen treats. I will put ice packs in their coop with them tonight. I don't want any more deaths in the family.

Too hot in my bedroom, even with the fan blowing on me. Ugh. I took two more codeine to help me settle to sleep as pain is kicking back in.

I hope I heal soon.

21 January 2015

My psychiatrist told me today that I am Awesome. He said "Why wouldn't anyone want to hang out with you or dance with you? You facilitate those around you to join in the fun".

He said that I am strong, have integrity, courage, am funny, witty, protective, highly intelligent, always operate from a place of Love, and I should hold my head up high, with regard to recent events. He says I have done nothing wrong except be a victim of others' envy and spite as they are weak, spineless, inadequate, jealous and pathetic cowards.

He said it was a sad case of Institutional Bullying. The victims align with the aggressor out of fear of losing their position in the social scene. So true!

I told him I have laughed my arse off for three days at the rumours. Ridiculous infantile behaviour.

I must admit I walked out of my doctor's office feeling Fabulous.

He advised me to move forward and concentrate on Byron Bay where cool people like me can be found.

(If only I could afford it every weekend).

To recap what I was discussing on Paltalk about the two songs that literally influenced my life when I was most vulnerable.

Anne Murray "You needed me"

KD Lang singing Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah"

Thank God for these two women and their huge talent!

21 January 2014

11 pm, came home to find Tabitha hen very weak and sick again. I thought the heat might be too much for her. So I picked her up from where I found her at the side of the house, and put her in the nest in the chook tractor, next to a freezer block, so she can get cooler. She can't stand or walk again. I hope she survives until morning. I tried to give her a drink also.

I had a lovely afternoon and evening with Sarah. We went shopping, and then she cooked a lovely Greek meal, and invited her other friends over. We had a nice time, laughing and joking and watching the two lovebirds, John and Travis. Very sweet.

3.37am. Still not sleeping well. Hot and itchy. Just got up, drank lemonade, ate 2 chicken fingers and took 25 mgs Seroquel. That will settle me :-).

12.47 am. itchy, scratchy, tetchy, sleepy, slightly bored, overheated, nonchalant. I hate female mosquitoes...they adore me. They leave their bloodthirsty marks on my buxom flesh and akin to certain men I have had the misfortune of connecting with, make my skin crawl.

Mosquitoes, fleas, lice, misogynists and psychic Vampires....get off my Aura!

Update 21 Jan 2020 Lol. This week it was a plague of flies that buzzed me in my bed. I felt like carrion but I carried on and “nuked” them with fly spray.

21 January 2013

Fabulous weekend! Dancing, schmoozing and smooching lmao! My broody horny hen named Hecate manifested a love partner... An oddfellow red rooster who arrived from nowhere and frolicked in my backyard with my very surprised and delighted "girls".

Meanwhile I did some frolicking of my own.

:-). The womenfolk chez moi are well satisfied and happy and my hens are expected to hatch some chicks in 21 days. I may have to get around this sudden unexpected burst of abundance by eating the eggs lol. I can't house too many chicky babes!

The rooster appeared out of nowhere and disappeared just as quickly. But it was amusing as the broody hen never knew he was there as she was sitting on the nest but the other hens were kept very busy.

21 January 2012

I had a lovely night last night. I didn't see the guy I met last week but nevermind I enjoyed myself, drinking and playing pool and rather appreciated the few shy longing looks that came in my direction but I decided to let them make the move...and as they didn't, I really chilled and was happy to not have all that pressure lol.

It was nice playing pool with Trish the poolshark champion...somehow, and I don't know how...I managed to beat her in a achievement considering I can't see straight through my bifocals to hit the balls LOL. Even Trish was amazed! (Maybe she let me win!?) It was nice seeing Tina and Doug too!

I still have to laugh about the trick shot I fluked (while drunk and semi-blind). The ball left the felt of the table and bounced three times along the edge in a straight line then leaped back onto the felt and rolled right into a pocket. I stood in amazement.

Trish looked at me and said “How the fuck did you do that?!” I said “Dunno, I can’t even see straight! But that was Divine Intervention!” And giggled!

It only occurred to me much later that my angels might really be professional pool players as they often used to do weird little trick shots like that.

I am not complaining. It made me look good!!!

Tonight I am finishing varnishing my artpiece for my front door. Yes, you heard it here, after about 4 years I have finally painted my nude pregnant form...She looks awesome! Only one more coat of varnish due at 1 am lol...and she will need 72 hours to cure...but woohooo, she will be back on the front door!

21 January 2011

I finished digging out the long grasses on my fenceline and randomly dug out more of it around my lawns. (The lawns will be a major effort as this awful grass takes up most of my back lawns and there's that other horrible spreading stuff on the right hand side of my house.) I think I will have to poison that whole area as it's too big to dig out by hand.

My exterior looks good now. I still have major cleaning to do inside, like scrub walls, finish cleaning windows and cleaning all my ceilings as I have a bad mould problem. Oh and doing some basic housework would be a nice idea too LOL.

Tired, numb with sore hands from all the weed pulling, sunburnt but mellow. Think my mood stabiliser is working today. That or I'm just completely exhausted so run out of moods to swing LOL

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons


About the Creator

Tanya Arons

I write about my life experiences. I write about complex ptsd, the agonies, the angst and my post traumatic growth. About Beauty, Truth and Honour and little vignettes of comfort from the spirits that love me: living and dead. I also Dance!

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