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Memories: 20 September 2022

Real experiences in my former place of worship. Fighting my way to Freedom and channelling my own inner goddess in seedy dance spaces.

By Tanya Arons Published 6 months ago 16 min read
Miss Sophie 20 Sep 2015

20 September 2022

It’s another gorgeous spring day! Charlie showered me with rainbow lorikeet kisses.

This morning I finally shed a few tears for Queen Elizabeth. Like a strange delayed reaction to grief. Grief for a queen I never met and I suppose 70 years of Matriarchy, if only as a figure head.

Also a fear of what life will be like under her son’s sovereignty.

The world has gone to the dogs so we can only hope and pray that truly good and honourable people will win out in the end.

20 September 2021

20 September 2020

20 September 2019

1:40 pm. Just woke up. I had a long sleep. Needed it. I am trying to fast today to see if there is an improvement with my liver. I figure not eating might give it a rest. Otherwise I may have to give in and see my doctor.

The afternoon looks like we might get a storm and possibly some rain again. That would be lovely.

Lmao. It’s funny because it’s true!

20 September 2018

So it’s been a strange few months. I am Struggling with my own level of hypocrisy.

Several months ago after witnessing a small Asian woman being kicked on the dance floor, I defended her then left the casino in a great flourish of righteous anger. I swore never to go back there (although I had been a loyal customer for 7 years).

When I returned 5 weeks ago I was welcomed back by my friends who stated that they missed me. The woman I defended so honourably was present last week and actually hissed at me like a viper. (So much for putting myself on the line for another woman’s honour). You know. People just fucking suck. But I rose above it.

My intentions were honourable and it was not just about her but ensuring that All women are defended/protected/validated in that dance space which can at times be feral!

So since I have been back there have been notable changes with the parking situation and I have observed security guards carefully monitoring my rapid cycling moods as I deal with complex trauma and potential abusers on the dance floor. They watch me like a hawk.

I don’t mind. If I lose my temper as I did when security staff did not have my back a few months ago, it is for a higher purpose than they realise.

Albeit possibly also a side affect of my defunct gall bladder ie my bile is rising and after decades of foul vicious callow abuse I no longer remain silent or blind to it but speak out and bloody well, too right. Such is the legacy of a warrior goddess - channeling my personal Boudiccea or Xena or Wonder (Ful!) Woman. Why? Because I embody Survival and my intention is Thrival!

Not just for me but for all those women (and men!) who were pushed down by society for being different, or bearing the stain of victimhood from early childhood. We deserve better from our world. So much much better.

It starts with Self-Love, self-respect and that thing called integrity. Integrity to Truth, Decency and the Tanya’s way (which may not be anyone else’s way) but I am rebuilding and reforming like liquid gold and embodying my spirit in a way that nourishes my older, slowly decaying body and ever-blossoming swirling Mind.

Anyway, yesterday afternoon I returned to another scene of a perfect crime that the Tanya had promised herself to never go back to. The former Beit Knesset Shalom, now Beit Or Shalom. Accompanied by my worthy mentor and champion, my beautiful brave Sally Castle. (We are both daughters of Dutch concentration camp survivors so we share a kinship of survival that is unique in many ways.)

So she saw my posts struggling with my ever-diminishing sense of belonging to the tribe of Israelites and lovingly brought me back to the place that had both viciously attacked me (and my German mother) then had provided us with respect and recognition (when in 1992/3? Student Rabbi Dana Evan Kaplan had been giving intense academic lessons on Reform Judaism and my mother Gisela had soaked up the lessons like a desiccant sponge on a high tidal beach).

She had adored his young but incredibly brilliant mind and for his part he truly seemed to adore her clever ascerbic wit. He actually came to my non-Jewish mother for wise counsel on how to deal with this blighted smited nasty community - at a funeral no less.

Now my mother was highly intelligent if not educated “because of ze war, you understand...darlings” and could be incredibly wise (life skills after decades of surviving her own mentally ill mother, the Depression, WW2, horrible vicious men, my own stepfather the philanderer, working like an obsessed Trojan - due to insatiable greed, addiction to work etc with her own complex trauma issues).

Unfortunately for her two children and grandchildren her wisdom and compassion and love did not extend to us. I bore the brunt of her narcopathy for decades and because she was my mother, my only mother, I allowed her, by inviting her to my space, my shule, my relationships to invade every aspect of my Self until I began to die.

She wanted even the breath from my Soul. She was competitive, greedy and vicious. She slandered me in my own Jewish community. This was held still evident when I witnessed Sam on the Bimah staring at me balefully, and Georgie doing the same from the back of the shule.

Well, yeah.. I don’t let the haters get to me as I have been subjected to so many vicious attacks by my former jewish husband, family and subsequent lovers, former friends and even my own mother then what is a bit of evil side-eye amidst a congregation. The Holy One must have found the whole thing very funny.

With each nasty look cast in my direction I uttered the words “Kadosh, kadosh, kadosh” holy holy holy.. and tried not to giggle as, for the love of all things Holy it was Yom Kippur and inside the sanctuary but somewhere in that roof the dybbuk had her way and held her sway “Giselachen....Is that youuu?” As the list of Yiskor names found its way to me with her name waiting for me to call her out and empower or acknowledge her.

The synchronicity of that weird event was not lost on me. Sally said her name for me then turned to me and said “She can’t hurt you anymore!” Ahh but she can. Meine kleine Mutter, die Alte Hexe. (my little mother, the old witch.)

She can find the most magical spiritual ways to remind me of who she was to me and whom I am yet to fully shuck off. If ever - as her blood and DNA still swills in my veins and a million detoxes will not erase her as I read somewhere that every little girl carries their mother and grandmother and so on through the line in our wombs.

Well the gods and a worthy gynaecologist excised my defunct prolapsed womb but no matter... energy is energy and I am still a daughter. Also a mother of the next generation that carry or rather choose to embody the crass evil psychopathology. What good is survival if it turns you into a monster? I wonder.

So here I sit: trying not to become my own monstrousity in perversity. The hypocrite who returns to spaces that debased and betrayed her but with a noble spirit, head high, looking my enemies right in the eye as I did no wrong. I am not the least bit ashamed and if G-d is also never on my side then that is okay with me. Toxic love and toxic family was my legacy.

But every day I cleave to my own truth and my own inner goddess and surround myself with people who genuinely have my back, the ones that rip out the arrows from my flesh one by one then cast me up on strong shoulders and throw me back into the fray.

If I shall die of anything in this god forsaken misbegotten life: let it be for my own precious Truth. Integrity slipped third base...but Mama T is on the home straight!

Love. Is. The. Law!

Copyright The Tanya Jew/Viking/Witch/psychedelic dreamer

Tanya Desiree Arons

20 September 2017

Tonight heralds Rosh Hashanah. Jewish New Year. Another turning, another unfoldment, another promise to the universe and to all earthlings. We begin again.

We forgive the past and past attachments and peer over the mountain and look into the Soul of the earth and glide over the valleys, those shadowy havens of delight, we swim across vast oceans and gather up our soul's yearnings and soul's rejoicing and breathe new life and light into dessicated ill-begotten forgotten deserts of the heart and mind.

We unravel the secrets of the heart that were locked and tangled in prisons of betrayal, grief and loss. Long streams of silken glowing beauty stream from our eyes and our mouths declare only the glorious story of hearts that cleaved to G-d and became their own gods and goddesses, their own vainglorious victorious righteous mighty love eternal, their own re-creators of lives that were torn apart by snakes and vermin and terror.

We can rebuild them. And so each day, each year we turn with each season and this is spiritual and this is magick and this is the epitome of perfection in an imperfect world. Love others. But leave behind those who lied and cheated and scorned and betrayed.

Let them sleep in the dust. Don't try to drag them with you. Your work is done, beautiful blessèd child of light. Shine on. Gleam. Fear no man/woman but G-d.

Love is the Law. Love and more love. I welcome all the blessings to come. All the true loves and all the peace.

L' Shanah Tovah Tikateivu. May we all be inscribed in the Book of Life for a good year. A year of peace, joy, love, justice, abundance, good health, surrounded by authentic true loves (human and non-human), smiled upon and raised up by the gods of mercy, light, love.

The Holy One Blessed be His Name exists with and without us but it is up to each of us to remember who we are and what we stand up for. Amen.

20 September 2016

Today is such a beautiful day and on top of all that I woke up happy. I had interesting dreams of being confronted by lover's gfs. Lol. Yesterday I dreamt of David Davidson asking me to look after his wife in her grief. As if I would piss on that bastard if she was on fire after what they put me through.

This morning's dream was about my current love interest. In the dream I was devastated. But I resolved to rise above the bullshit (even in the dream!) then woke up feeling beautiful, powerful and rather ironically loved.

I think my angels have been recalibrating me again. Sleep is such a wonderful gift. So many resolutions and healing happens in my sleep and while I dream.

Yesterday's reminder of my father in law Harry and how hard I had to work for mere scraps of love tempered by lashings of abuse. Served up for decades.

So just for today I resolve to stop striving so hard to attain what should flow to me naturally, in abundance as a great and beautiful joyous gift that blesses and ennobles me for the rest of my days (and nights) here on Earth. I deserve real long lasting generous soulful comforting passionate and faithful love.

Well I don't always get what I want or even need but the heart knows best. G-D is watching and hopefully smiling upon me. I have burned with enough love to fire several solar systems and now I am spent. (Not quite but almost!)

To Infinity and Beyond.

20 September 2015

6.30 pm finally awake. Wow! Better get up, lock up the hens, feed the cats and enjoy the night to myself.

Miss Sophie is curious about the bath water

In a Relationship With Harvey Neilsen. It's rather platonic but not long on conversation but he likes a bit of a chat. Plenty of cuddles.

6.22 am. Just had a Skype with Crystal Girl. It was nice to catch up. Time to sleep, snuggled in with Harvey. He acted out while I was out, by pooing on the lounge floor, peed on the fridge, and made a nest on my bed with my shoes, his leash, a pair of my knickers, a dress and weirdest of all, a pink Bic lighter.

So I have been punished Harvey the Jack Russell style. Everything cleaned up and now for making up snuggles. Spoilt little neurotic Buggar! He and I are like Twin Souls with our really bad nerves and need to be comforted. Lmao!

I have him for 2 more days then Jarrod will reclaim him. Harvey time is precious time. Even the cats seem to appreciate having him around. All very harmonious chez moi.

4.26 am home safe. Foot sore. Grr. Had to take ankle boots off to walk to car. Ran into Ron outside casino where I had hung out chatting with George and some friends of his. Ron chivalrously walked me to my car.

Now soaking in Epsom Salts. Omg. Really need the Magnesium hit!

I had a lovely night with Karen at The Elephant, dancing to Ramjet. Then we got tired and sore so we drove to the Treasury. I wanted to know if I had been banned. Apparently not! But when we got upstairs there was no disco!! They scrapped the live bands and disco until 1 November while the football is on. SAY WHAT!!!!?

Lunatics! Oh well! I put $10 in the pokies. They changed my favourite machine for some more modern thing I didn't really understand. I didn't win. No biggie. I am gone a month and everything falls apart lmao!

Oh well, I like the bands at The Elephant better. I met a young lass when I first arrived. She complimented me on my outfit. I thanked her. Then she bought me a shot of Patron (my suggestion as I hate Jaegermeister vomit puke) and a glass of Jack Daniels. Very generous of her.

So I invited her to dance with Karen and I. We had a lot of fun. By 1.30 am Karen and I were sitting down, both with sore tootsies so we decided to see what my status at the casino was. All good. They even printed me a new membership card.

Pity I still have the huge fine to pay that they instigated a month ago! Bygones, I guess. I just have to keep doing my thing, dancing, enjoying life and being audacious!

20 September 2014

7.28 am. Awake because like a dumbarse I didn't take my Seroquel.

So my brain went Chugga-chugga-Hug-A-Bugga-It's -All-about-the-Bass-No-Trouble all night, well, the past 3 hours.

Penny woke me a couple of times and I pissed her off by belching away my acid reflux and my hiatus hernia. Sooo Sexy! Cat love is immune to loud nocturnal sounds of the Gastric Kind although at one point even she gave me the evils of the cat equivalent of "shut the fuck up, Mama!" Dying slowly is so graceless.

I am glad I had a great night out though. Antonio turned up late and was such a clown that Shauna and I were laughing at him. He insisted in his non-verbal way (use your words Antonio!) that I dance with him and even though my feet hurt from dancing all night I favored him and he completed our little ritual of kissing cheeks Italian-style 3 times. So funny. He loves that.

Ron and Chrissie were there and when Wasabi played Zombie (my favourite moshing song!) he gently stepped behind me and danced with me and copied all my movements and when the lyrics said "they are fighting!" He sang them into my ear as he knows I am a fighter and a survivor and why that song is so meaningful to me. I thought that was really sweet.

Out of all the men I have met at the pub, Ron really gets me. I am blessed to have a nice friendship with him. I love watching him and Chrissie dance. They are so attuned to each other and it makes me happy to see people love each other, themselves and the world around them.

Chrissie told me it's both their birthdays soon. Hers on Oct 31 (halloween!) and his on Nov 22. Crystal's is on Nov 6. A lovely time for Scorpios.

Some random and pleasant fellow demanded Shauna and I Pose for a Photo with him. I saw no harm in it, so we did.

We will be back tonight to support Berst, with bells on but now I must drink my tea, cuddle my cat and sleep.

I let the chickens out. Although there has been no crowing yet, I was surprised to observe Mischief attempting to hump his mother.

A rooster all right. I won't get rid of him until he starts making the usual Rooster noises. He is so cute and perhaps he might father another clutch of fertilised eggs.

20 September 2013

6 am. Good Morning. Haven't slept yet. Watched Gatekeepers which depressed me no end. Fiddled about on iTunes trying to get songs as ringtones with very little success. Fiddled with some old crusty unsellable necklaces to decorate spare bed with. Night flew by without me achieving anything major.

I also picked up Crystal and lent her my car which was serviced and washed by Mazda yesterday. Woohoo! I had dinner with Lyn also. She made Tacos which were yummy.

I bought more Laying Mash for the Girls and some shell grit. So have let them out to forage while I sleep the rest of today away. LOL!

20 September 2011

Today I spent all my money stocking up on food and personal hygiene stuff. I had to juggle several bills so kind of freaking out about my lack of financial acumen (hard to be savvy when there is no gravy).

Apart from that it was another awesome day in Paradise, I took another photo of a another red setting sun, and I'm inspired by the beauty and the loveliness surrounding me.

20 September 2010

I'm feeling a little drab and miserable after the past three days' happiness. I wonder if it's because of the grey rainy day or because I burnt myself out from being a tad too happy for a change. It was fun though, freaking out the people who aren't accustomed to joy.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons


About the Creator

Tanya Arons

I write about my life experiences. I write about complex ptsd, the agonies, the angst and my post traumatic growth. About Beauty, Truth and Honour and little vignettes of comfort from the spirits that love me: living and dead. I also Dance!

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