Memories: 20 February 2023

20 February 2023

Yesterday afternoon I attended Belinda Daniels’s toning circle. It was a lovely experience. There were 9 of us in total. The energy really was quite intense.

I saw a spirit walk in behind one of the participants when he arrived. It was wearing a long white robe which I later realised was a vestment like one of the church elders wears (they were hanging in a small room Adjoining where we were sitting in the hall) although I had not noticed them until after I saw the spirit.

It’s very unusual for me to “see” entities. I mean, I am not usually clairvoyant and usually just get somatic sensations or get song lyrics or melodies running through my head. Or weird emotions ie anxiety or euphorias that I know are not mine as they are incongruent to my actual mood in that time and space.

Anyway the spirit glided in on the heels of the young man as he arrived and I had a sense that he was checking on our little circle to make sure we are “kosher” as the venue was on hallowed grounds (Christchurch in St Lucia!) As soon as he saw I had witnessed him he disappeared. I suppose satisfied that everything was copacetic.

Anyway we began the Toning with Belinda’s beautiful tone chimes and Renée brought along her Koshi chimes which were so gorgeous I now want some too! Ahem! I was listening to the sounds they made and it was like a faery waltz going off in my head. Lol

Mama T and Miss Five got lost in that for a few minutes. Belinda played her hand pan while we joined in with the chimes.

We were sitting on the floor and I had a sudden outbreak of coughing with my asthma just on arrival (was fine before!) then later on I somatised the most intense pain in my legs and feet with arthritis type sensations and even had the burning of a hot flash.

My leg is still sore from the bruising it copped when I smashed up my dead evil mother’s hutch. So I assumed it was related to that but even my toes ached on both feet, so hmmm. Weird.

Later in the toning session I also “heard” the name “Freddy” quite distinctly and emphatically in my head four or five times. I don’t know who Freddy is? I asked the group. No one knew. But Bill suggested there is a Cyclone called Freddy heading towards Madagascar. So it could be that.

Then on driving home I had an intense anxiety that I knew was not mine as I was heading home and usually my nerves settle on the homeward bound drive (like a homing pigeon, am I!)

Belinda had said I may get more downloads from spirit as I had seen the man float into the hall. So I was not really focusing on that but interestingly, later that evening I had the song melody and lyrics “Ohhh I’m blinded by the light” in my head. I just ignored it as I often get lyrics or Melodies as messages but this morning as soon as I woke up it was there again.

So I had to google the lyrics to get the name of the song and garner its message. I almost had to laugh. It’s the 9th anniversary of hooking up with that vapid former lover who wreaked such devastation in my heart over the years but who opened me up even more to my wild fierce determined warrior goddess spirit as no man, no fucked up perverted callow mortal is permitted to destroy me. Ever!

So the gods blew life back into my soul (starting back in 2015 after my suicide attempt then intensifying even more after my surviving (barely!) the cholecystectomy in 2019. That was when I truly hit the ground running and only three weeks after (still in agony!) I attended my first drumming circle run by Belinda and her husband Bill and back then Richard Mahler.

So yes…that was my courage and determination and self healing from that time forward.

I still don’t have a love partner although men have seemed to flock to me in recent months. But I still don’t trust in mortal men and for very good reasons; tied up with keeping myself safe, sane and pristine.

I was able to assist that young Māori woman two weekends ago, after she escaped from her own domestic violent abuser so it reminded me that sometimes…love is not enough and is too often instead, life threatening, dangerous and heartless and hopeless.

So the spirits bless me with songs that remind me of Dave and his sadomasochistic Machiavellian gameplay and I just sing along and dance and laugh in the face of idiosyncratic cruelties.

My Angels have my back and they will only allow a truly good kind noble man to partner with me ever again.

I have had quite enough monsters. May I merit…under the ever watchful Eye (Ayin) of the Ein Sof Aur to be thoroughly cleansed and purified of stale dead non-committal treacherous diabolical lovers and may The One that is my Bashert (meant for me!) arrive in my life in such a way that I am not spooked, put off or feel the need to cut and run.

It’s a hard one given my complex trauma issues. But I have faith in the Holy One and his benevolent Angels/Fae and gods in all manifestations.

With or without you…I will Survive. I will Thrive. I will dance. I will rejoice and I will find my nîche in life and be surrounded by real authentic love. So mote it be… and so it is.

Oh I also heard “The Malfeasance is over” which felt like the energy and voice of my dead evil Israeli ex lover David Davidson. So I just replied sardonically “I bloody well hope so…” then pushed that energy away which felt like it or they were flapping with frustration as they had a lot more to say but I do not engage with the spirit of that man.

Especially when he jumps into my auric field uninvited. I note he usually jumps into friends or family or that evil medium I had foolishly befriended that channeled him without my permission. (I had not gone to visit her for a psychic reading).

So um… yeah. I must have been wide open psychically on Sunday. I will need to make sure to close circle effectively next time to protect my soul and energy meridians.

https://open.spotify.com/track/0VjIjW4GlUZAMYd2vXMi3b?si=4f6Sbs5PSq-zKMUBGlozsw

“Blinding Lights”

20 February 2022

Repost of a blog I made 3 years ago.

…

The water coming out of my faucet in the kitchen has a very strong smell. I am worried it has been contaminated. Yuck!

20 February 2021

Pretty thoughts...unfortunately my maternal line were violent narcopathic evil Berserkers and paedophile enablers. The only seed they planted was hate. Hate of the female they learned as handmaidens to their “Masters”.

To heal myself I had to be the one person in my family to cleave to my gods and to the Sacred Truth. To honour my only real mother: Gaia and strive to expect nothing from or even better, forget the rest. Survival came at a high price: isolation, marginalisation, loss of healthy sustaining love partnerships.

Would I do it all again?! Yes! Only I pray that my next incarnation I will be birthed into a decent kind loving family. Who sustain and nurture me without so much cumulative trauma.

I was thinking this morning about my inability to find a sincere lover/partner. Then I smiled. I have been shot to pieces since early childhood and no matter how much therapy/Dancing/self healing I remain a leaky colander of cascading traumas that few can comprehend, never mind actually Love.

I tried plugging up the holes with so much faith and self love but always they burst forth. So I have learned to live life as a powerful force field of flowing light energy through all my exposed gaps. Which means that yet again..few can stand in my light streaming.

God knows....in time there will be someone whose own light body perfectly matches mine and those missing parts will meld into one.

….

I am still unwell today. Back is still tender and not much movement. Fatigued from a week of arrant insomnia. Upset tummy this morning from the copious chocolate I imbibed yesterday as some weird sort of self-flagellation disguised as “comfort”. Delicious though 😉!

I had a quiet day but felt so awful I went back to bed for a while. Then managed a short walk around the block for Charley and Beauregard’s sake.

I stopped to say Hello to Robyn and little Koko. Bobo was happy to see them both. They walked us home.

I need to gather up my physical and emotional resources next weekend and go dancing somewhere. My body feels like it’s just shutting down as it misses the dancing and jiving.

I will have to decide where my next “spot” will be. But first I need to get stronger again.

Today is the 29th friendship anniversary that Jarrod and I met. Time has flown!

Lyn and I: 32 years.

Margaret and I: almost 47 years.

I will be 56 in April. Startling! Amazing! Incredible!

So many things I missed out on in this life. So much still to aspire to. Jarrod laughed when I told him it’s been 29 years. We are both feeling the encroachment of the Time Lords! But all good. With good friends, time is irrelevant anyway. Only the love matters!

20 February 2020

…

It takes a strange sort of Masochism to boldly go where one is not welcome and speak one’s Truth. I expected abuse from the community stalwarts (yes I did!) but not from strangers. I hope they got their pecking order sorted.

If not, the Holy One that kept them alive due to great and severe miracles, their amazing parents surviving the Shoah, the same God that keeps me alive (often against my own will!) had some deep reckoning or teaching in that befouled experience. I wonder what that was?!

I am going to find out in due course as G-d and I are not always on speaking terms when He literally throws me into dangerous toxic environments so I get upset and angry as after all, I am only one woman on the fringes of society with a keen mind and a 9kt golden kintsugi heart (I used to claim more purity with impunity but I get too angry and disgusted by other humans these days!)

Let the smiting fall where it must. Maybe Lady Death will claim me at last! Psy sighs. At least I tried...

….

…

I am so mentally exhausted. But I have a feeling that tomorrow is going to be a good day. I will strive to make it so.

…

I am glad Myriam cancelled my appointment today. I am still a mess of huge pustules where the skin doctor zapped the cancers. The ones on my forehead and thigh have burst but the rest are just huge. I picked a bad time to get my skin zapped when I was already feeling raw and ragged after recent events.

But all good. My heart and mind will heal. My skin will heal (for now!) I have another check up in six months.

I am zealously slapping on Vaseline as per the doctor’s orders. I can’t see it doing anything really as it is a petrochemical. But I suppose it is coating the pustules to avoid any further infection. Yayy. Pop! Goes The Tanya.

I had a wry moment when I thought how many of my enemies would be delighting in my current state of pustulance and hope I would just die. But I am bursting with vitality (in spite of my skin cancers and chronic exhaustion) so on we go... into the victorious glory of the next decade 😉.

…

…

In Australia (but especially Queensland, mate!) if you sport a vagina and no one likes you...you get vilified and attacked. By women as well as men. If you try to get support from the police you get told to stay home and take up knitting.

If you have small children and you try to escape ....you get burnt to death in your car.

Then the Police spokesmen will blame you because old mate played footy or some fucked up shit so he was “driven to the edge”. ABC news. I shit you not.

I barely survived my homegrown terrorism only to be insulted and condescended to, by community stalwarts. Where was the respect? Or protection for me and my young daughters when Israeli men went rabid?! Hmmm. Where were Logan Police? Having a laugh at my expense.

As were QBJD board members last Wednesday night. At a meeting to promote (oh the irony!) Tolerance. Instead utter misogyny and foulness directed at not just myself (accused of victimhood by some creep of a woman!) but another woman who was spoken to in a condescending way because of her “alleged” wealth.

Disgusting! Shameful! Everyone was in it for the Ride. What is their next Parlour game? I wonder.

This is real life, people. Across all faiths and classes and races. Men have gone Berserk. The government enables and endorses it.

Time to Rise Up Sisters. No more Silence. Save your selves and save each other. Avoid the “Aunts” that protect and enable vile abusive men.

Stand up and be counted...or literally Die!

…

Just took the Beau for a quick walk around the block. I stopped for a chat with the young woman who just had a baby. (A girl 🙂 ). She told me there has been a lot of problems with break-ins and car theft in the street. She said one man ran into the Whites Hill Reserve and was chased by Police helicopters.

I was amazed. I have had no dramas here. Perhaps being on the corner in full view from the street frontage and Bobo barking at everyone has gifted me a little bit of protection. I am grateful. The world has gone completely mad but I have managed to keep relatively safe.

I also noticed that my young friend on Sapphire Street who also lived in housing commission has moved out. I hope she has gone to a better situation as she had young kids and said she had a terminal disease. I mean...I hope she has not died.

She seemed okay last I saw her but appearances can be deceiving. So I am a bit worried for her. She was a fierce little warrior goddess like me. I thought about asking her neighbours but they were not outside so let it go. Not really my business anyway.

20 February 2019

Wow. The super moon has had a profound effect on me. I worked all day yesterday, frenziedly rubbing oil into the uber dusty furniture in the back bedroom. Then washing and polishing all the trinket boxes, china ornaments etc. Then rearranging books as I had made room weeks ago when I took books to the charities.

I wore a sarong as it was so humid yesterday and I had to take 3 cold showers and ultimately washed my hair as I was wring out like a dish mop with sweat. Around 5 pm I got dressed in actual clothes and took Bobo and Charlie a walk. I had to hobble along as my feet were swollen and aching from the heat (I have had sore feet for over almost 2 weeks now).

I also got a hacksaw and shortened a bolt so I could put two handles back on the tv unit outside as I was overcome with perfectionism to the point of obsession yesterday.

I hung up a picture on the bedroom wall. A nice inlaid abalone lacquered one that I had tucked behind a hutch since 2008. (I had given another lovely shell one to Lucy). It seemed a shame to not put it on display. Use it or lose it.

Around 7 pm I was overcome with exhaustion after a week of decluttering, schlepping furniture and power cleaning. So I sat down on the couch and put my feet up. But something would not let me settle so I got the idea to go through Crystal’s acting portfolio collection and cut out all her reviews and put them in two albums I had previously begun for her years ago.

So that kept me occupied (while watching spooky shows on YouTube) until almost 5 am. I did not have enough photo corners or glue dots so I just put everything into chronological order and laid them between the glassene pages of the album or in the plastic sleeves so that is a job to be completed soon.

I finally went to bed at 5 am and literally fought sleep for a while even though I was beyond exhaustion.

I just woke up at 8:35 am. Fully clear in the head and energised. What the fuck?! 3 hours sleep?!

This is hypomania! My eyes are literally burning and my feet are tired but everything else wants to go, go, go like it’s some kind of emergency.

Hohum. Letting go of stuff feels good. Sorting the back bedroom feels good. (I still have work in there to do,as I need to clean and polish the desk and pull down the faded velvet curtains (from my mother!) and chuck them out.

I still have vacuuming and mopping to do! The kitchen hutch and other furniture needs a good dust and polish too. I feel crazy with overwhelm just thinking about it. Then when it’s all done I need to do it all again more frequently so it doesn’t get away on me!

It’s now 9:11 am and I am so tired. I just realised I still have 2 and a half years of legal documents from that nefarious soul-murdering Will Dispute to go through and cull but that will be triggering so everything is still on the top shelf of one of the bookshelves. (I culled a lot over the years but there are still more to do which for some reason I felt I wanted to keep the documentation for posterity!)

Now I am over it all! Maybe I subconsciously nurse that great wound as I fear another court battle one day so want to keep everything in case. But it’s a blight on my psyche and a horcrux from Hell so I will gird my heart to sort through it and imagine, all that paperwork gone will free space for...more books or other assorted clutter that Mama T hoarder creature will no doubt bring in.

Also I must sleep more today as 3 hours sleep when exhausted, with asthma and heat-sensitive arthritic joints will make me utterly Mad!

Update 20 February 2022: I finally burnt the will dispute in 2020 then my teddy bear gifted by the family paedophile on 27 April 2021 which catalysed a great healing and opened me up to even more creativity. The gods might be crazy but they knew what they were doing in tweaking my spirit even though I asked them to go more gently with me as I was working myself almost to death while achieving very little. Running on my hamster wheel to Nowhere.

But…I am starting to shift onto another concentric groove - better timeline, better Muzak, more hope and better manifestations. True love still eludes me. Only the gods will allow me that perfect alignment and grace and manifestation of a deeply loyal devoted caring partner. Psy sighs.

…

20 February 2018

20 February 2017

Just watching the council workmen compacting my junk into a big truck. Very satisfying. Letting go of clutter and crap. A giant purge.

20 February 2016

I have just finished dragging old pallets out to kerbside collection. I paid the neighbourhood boys to help me carry the door to my backyard to recycle as a table. We ripped the old table boards off. I am so poor I am recycling my recycling from a few years ago to use as an outdoor table. Waste not, want not!

I told the boys I would keep them in mind next time I have odd jobs to do. Lol! They were happy with their $5.

I unscrewed the castor wheels I had put on the pallet. I will re-use them on something in the house, like old drawers or furniture so I can move things easier. It took me a while to unscrew them as the screws had rusted but with WD40 and my temper it worked out all right.

I also rescued the expensive steel plates I had screwed into the outdoor table when I "Fixed" it with Kev. Lol. 2007. The never ending bucket of Sangria we called the bucket of doom as the booze just kept growing exponentially like a magic brew.

We were drunk for 3 days and Kev and Jarrod helped me strengthen the outdoor table we got in the kerbside collection that year. It lasted just over 8 years. Not bad, for off the side of the road!

Time to manifest a new one!

20 February 2015

I will be going to Doctor next week. Ankle still no better. Grrr!

…

…

2.48 pm. Woke up at 2. Let chooks out. Have eaten yoghurt. (Mushu stuck his head in the empty container and licked the inside, loved it!)

Now resting my foot again. No dancing this weekend :-(.

I might have to take up yoga instead! Stretch those torn muscles!

Lots of rain again but the garden loves it although my dragonfruits will be a write-off again. Grrrr!

…

Really long brown coloured snake with spots on my front staircase, wrapped around one of my house stumps. I tried to get fotos but they are not working out. Lyn has a friend who knows how to catch snakes on the way.

Can I say, Eeeeekkkkkkk!!!! I have to keep the cats inside. Mushu is a perfect mouthful. The snake might be what killed Mischief last week. Like it might have poisoned him but couldn't get into the coop?

I hope it didn't get Tabitha and Elvira this evening. He doesn't have any huge lumps so hopefully he will be taken away before he kills my hens.

…

Big Thank You to Aaron, Danni and Lyn!

The 3 metre long carpet snake has been caught by Aaron, and is in transit to the Redlands now.

Phew! He was very pretty but not my favourite kind of "pet" to keep in my garden! I feel sure he was after the possums or maybe even my chooks.

20 February 2014

Mammary Screen done for another 2 years. I was quite amused by the sudden thought, mid-squish that there is something very sad about the only time my lovely boobs get 'fondled' it's by a mammogram technician. I mean, really! Wtf??? Lmao!

…

Lying in bed with Insomnia. That hasn't happened for a while! Took 25 mg Seroquel. That should knock me out.

20 February 2013

Finally going to GP today! Sick of having bad asthma, insomnia and being unwell. Even had bad arthritis in my bad knee and legs yesterday. Glad the rain has given us a brief reprieve and the sun is out albeit it is windy!

I went to sleep at 3.30 and just finally woke up at 11 am. Been drifting in and out of a light sleep all this time. No rest at all for my mind but at least my body got a rest. This bout of insomnia has lasted for over 2 weeks now. Grrr! Combined with asthma it's amazing I can think at all.

Sylvia Shine: wish you better,i too can't breathe,talk about panic,the weather does not help,just try and stay calm.love .Sylvia. x x x

Me: Get better soon, Sylvia! I had to put myself on Prednisone.

20 February 2012

I had a lovely day and night with Crystal and Jarrod. We met at Bulimba and saw "My Week With Marilyn". Then we had a delicious dinner at the Ceylon Curry House then we caught a ferry back to Crystal's house to hang out then back home! Crystal leaves for Thailand on Wednesday! Woohoo!

20 February 2010

Sylvia Shine:

HI TANYA,SO SORRY ABOUT YOUR MUM,I HOPE THEY ARE NOT GOING TO PUT HER THROUGH HIP REPLACEMENT,WHY CANT THEY LEAVE HER IN PEACE?I SUPPOSE,THEY WANT TO USE HER AS A GUINI PIG.MY THOUGHTS ARE WITH YOU,AND OF COURSE YOUR MUM.GOOD LUCK,LOVE SYLVIA X X X X

Me: Hi Sylvia. Mum is still battling the E-coli bacteria in her blood. I thought she would pass away yesterday or last night so I stayed all day and overnight and left there at 12.30 today cos I was overtired and getting a tad hysterical and needed to get home so I can take my medications and sleep.

I'm devastated I might not be able to get there when she passes. Thanks for the lovely thoughts. Love Tanya

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons