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Memories: 20 April 2023

The progenitor bad Penny turns up in 2011…unwanted. Then recalibrations and survival to thrival.

By Tanya Arons Published 8 months ago Updated 5 months ago 17 min read

20 April 2023

I am sanding back the rough edges of the casting lines. I need to quit working on jewellery now as it’s late in the evening and I am so very exhausted. But I keep working like a demon possessed.

“What’s the hurry, Mama T? Do you fear death? Isolation? Loss of ability to create your small projects: why are you time fighting?…I know…it’s a distraction but a worthy one.

If you keep striving for excellence perhaps you will update your soul to attract an excellent partner as well. Or perhaps you will feel so successful and accomplished that you will no longer crave for a union with another mortal.

Silly old chook. Don’t you know it’s just illusion/Maya/ the field of dreams? Keep manifesting but ultimately it means nothing to the Mystery. The One who loves you is Watching. Even in other dimensions… so cool your heels, make some dinner and for the love of all the gods….chillax. The Force is With you and you have the power, sweet one xxx.”

Me: mmmmmk!

Today’s harvest! I cut up the beautiful sterling silver Celtic dish. I textured the flat pieces. I have pickled and polished them. After annealing. I hope I can now turn them into backing sheet for the lovely stones I am yet to learn how to set.

Wish me luck! The next step will be soldering the bezel wires try together, then soldering them to the backing sheet, adding a jump ring also.

#titaniasrealm #excitedbutnervous😅 #tryingnewthings #creativity #sterlingsilver #transmutation #magickhappensbabies #loveisthelaw

Today’s castings: a gumnut embryo cast directly inside the gumnut pod, Two small gum nuts, cast in Delft Clay, and one small poinciana pod. I had a bad night last night…little sleep and bad bladder issues. But look at me gooo….#titaniasrealm #fullyaddictedtosilvercastingnow #bliss #creativity #sterlingsilver #.835silver #thefaeriesmakemedothis #brisbane #brisbaneartist #loveyourlifematterwhat

8:06 am rough night. Barely slept. Copious peeing. I feel dehydrated and dehusked. Like an avocado pip left in the sun. Cracked and peeling, separating from my core.

Oh well. It’s Thursday. Ratih will be here at 10 am. I might squeeze another light snooze in.

1:51 am sleepless in Brisssbane. I had my debrief yesterday afternoon with my psychiatrist. The subject of my former lover came up. Brian said to me that Dave was indeed very very attracted to me. I smiled a wry smile. Replied “Yeah I suppose that is why he kept turning up at various venues over the years.”

Then Brian said “He was also deeply afraid of you because when you activate your trauma (which is understandable!) it is quite terrifying…I have witnessed that myself!” I nodded. People should have treated me decently if they did not want to be on the sharp end of my wrath! I don’t unleash it loosely or lightly.

Brian said “It’s such a pity as he showed you what could have been possible then tore it away from you and never really got to see all the beautiful kind aspects of your being! He could not handle your raw honesty as it reminded him of his own vulnerabilities so he ran from it. It was actually his own fears, and nothing to do with you.”

I replied “No he didn’t ever give me a fair chance and it takes a brave determined man to stand by me as you did Doctor, when I was under constant attack and keep loyal to me. That takes courage and integrity, while lesser men headed for the hills!”

I reminded him of Gail’s malfeasance and how she tried to interfere in our therapeutic alliance in her weird fucked up way but he had kept me on as his patient and showed genuine care, loyalty and respect!

I reminded Brian that it had taken 9 years for me to recover from that misbegotten stymied atrophied love affair but now I think I am finally over all the evil of it.

But tonight I can’t sleep…so my spirit knows that’s not quite true. I am experiencing a rapid heart rate and a heart sickness that I push away by keeping busy making little jewellery projects.

In truth I don’t think I will ever recover from that last lover and his vicious ways. It was just one more monster too many. The same modus operandi on fucking repeat.

So I’ve been lying here, imagining how my life could have been if for once…that man had loved me. Been loyal and true like my worthy psychiatrist. Had bothered to find out my best qualities. Had not run away after exploding my life in a Catherine Wheel of confusion and grief…and yes…bitterness.

My doctor has his own grief to deal with. He had a haemorrhage in his left eye. He promised me it was not a stroke. I was not happy to see this. I asked him what he is refusing to see with both eyes, left and right, open wide with great clarity?

But it was glib of me, I suppose. Clarity has never done me much good. Facing my enemies squarely in the open light of day just rattled them even more. Sometimes it’s wise to just go into the subterranean depths like Persephone in Hades for a while. Keep one’s head down, move quietly with the sleek grace of a jaguar.

Which reminds me…Winter is coming…

Somehow I have great hope for my future. I don’t even know why? But I sense that the gods are going to bless me with true love and happiness, success and prosperity. It’s coming…maybe not in this incarnation but the next one.

I have worked so hard at healing my life, my traumas, my broken heart and the damage caused by atrophied evil love affairs. But there really is nothing more I can do but love each day as though it were my last, and hope for the best, most beneficial outcome for all of us.

The one who loves me and truly chooses me for his life partner, will show up, keep up, and won’t trawl other women in my face or lie or cheat or use and abuse or deceive.

He will be as raw and honest as I am and will hold me in great honour and respect. Caring, authentic and loving.

Yeah? ……maybe…yeah!

20 April 2022

Red Beach Bribie Island Brisbane

20 April 2021

11:11pm my angels are busy...doing what? No one knows...but stay alert twinkle toes.

Time to schluff!

Good night from Sacred Space. The “alertness” can happen in the morning.

20 April 2020

1:52 am Laila tov! That’s all folks. Must sleep now.

3:18 am not sleeping tonight. Bobo snuggled in next to my head so I could not roll over. Penny snuggled on my right. I felt loved and a tad smothered. I had a brief snooze then wide awake. Oh well.


11:11 pm thank you Angels.

20 April 2019

Ha! Beauregard and Charlie and I made it to the post offfice box on the main road (to post my electoral forms request) and back in the brief respite between rain showers. Which was awesome as my hair was already wet after my shower and my chest and ear are not quite ticketty-boo.

I celebrated my return from the walkies with some delicious chocolate and am snuggling on the couch with my babies!


2:11 pm. Seeing lots of 11s. I woke up at 5:11 this morning. Hohum. Hopefully my angels are gifting me with harmonious resonance and healing.

I woke up again at 9:11 am with another earache. It’s been persistently irking me since before the colonoscopy. Urrgh. I might have to go to the doctor to see what is happening to my ear. When I can be bothered. Not in a lot of pain just inflamed. So not too worried about it.

The sun has peeped out again. I might take a long-suffering patient dog and bird for a walk around the block. A bit of exercise and sunshine will do us good.

20 April 2018

I woke up this morning feeling sublimely happy. A great Peace was resting upon my heart and even though I am incubating another illness, I felt warm and cosseted in my bed. I lay here, fully absorbing the love and lightness of Being.

I know how my moods can plummet or soar within minutes or hours so I just lay here and let the inner happiness swirl around inside me. You can’t buy or bottle this feeling. This triumph over my own existence.

I floated for a while until the mundane agitation of a demanding bladder scooted me from my bed for my morning detoxification. Nothing like a body to keep things in 3D reality. 🙂

It’s another perfect morning. I put Charlie outside and let the hen out to play. I ate breakfast.

Now back in bed, resting my leg and the rest of my dross gross humanity. Time to fly, my Pretties.

I rested all day. Then got out of bed to make lemongrass tea and home made insect repellent. I also put the lime vinegar concentrate into a spray bottle for cleaning.

Mama T is getting really Hippie and environmental friendly. Well striving to be that way.

The beautiful day devolved into thunderstorms with rain at midday. All good. The garden rejoices with fresh rainwater. I have had a shower to cleanse myself as well. Water is Life!

20 April 2017

Just got woken up by two old male Jehovah Witnesses. Oddly my front door was open. But screen closed. Bobo heard them and ran to door. They said "We see you have your protector?"

I was not pleased. I said "I am not interested, I am Jewish. I think it clearly states that on my front gate". Oh, they murmured, the sunny hopeful smiles vanishing from their faces. Buggared off right away.

What part of “No proselytisers” do they not understand? Does anyone bother to read plain English anymore??? Grrrr.

I would be even more cranky but it is 9.47 am so not an unreasonable hour to peddle one's Jesus Man. I was more shocked that my front door was open as I had obviously left it like that when I went to bed at 8 pm!

This morning at 6 am I was surprised to discover when letting the dog out to pee that my back screen was unlocked. I never usually leave that open. So yeah. Bad night.

My neighbour was outside at 6 am and I had to crouch down so he didn't see me naked. He was up at 1 am also. Does that man ever sleep? He is like my own personal Fucking Watch tower watching me day and night.

Fortunately the Johoe's at least rang my bell so I had put on a dressing gown. No proselytisers! No fucking proselytisers! So much for smudging the house. Boundary violations have imploded. Lmao!

I was also annoyed to be woken from an intense technicolor dream about working for a fence for stolen jewellery and my job was to annotate all the jewellery in a ledger and I put some of it on. I was invited by my female supervisor, a very sexy woman who looked just like the actress in American Horror Story...lemme think, Oh yes, Jessica Lang, for dinner in her tiny apartment which was close to the job. Old fashioned Qlder house. Split into apartments.

I knocked on her door. She let me in. She was eccentric. Her room lavishly decorated on vintage linens and with hand embroidered monographs on white broderie anglaise sheets on her bed (forget the name but it wasn't hers).

It was like living in a ghetto of stolen goods but opulence. I started freaking out but my new boss/friend said "I see you have acquired some of our jewellery stock".

I said "Just for today. They go back tomorrow". She grinned. Said "Don’t worry! As long as it's not written up in the ledger yet. No one knows or cares. There is plenty more coming in each day. The bosses have no idea what they have actually. Just be judicious and don't take any thing too obviously over the top".

I gaped at her. I had some items stashed in my back pocket. But knowing I had carte blanche to steal the stolen jewellery took away the joy of it. I fumbled with the bracelets and the rings.

“Yeah no biggie. They go back tomorrow".

"I like you" she smiled "an honest thief, the best kind, That is why we hired you... shall we celebrate your new job with a nice cup of tea?!"

I was amazed and looking forward to the rest of my mad dream when the bloody mad Johoes woke me up. They stole my creative vibe, to be sure!

It was a very odd dream as I abhor stealing as it is such a violation. I have not worked for years and Jessica Lang and I seemed very comfortable in each other's company.

Oh yes I remember now, in the dream, at work there were plenty of handsome men wearing lovely suits. My female boss took me into another room where I asked some of the men for advice on dating and describing an antique diamond encrusted fob watch which had several lockets and other fobs attached to it. It was so stunning and intricate.

They were very helpful but also blasé as though such beautiful work came through the shop every day. They were friendly and encouraging.

We left and walked down a corridor so she could show me the toilets. She commented on how handsome the men that worked there all were. I had to agree. Then she showed me the state of the toilets, and commented "pity they pee like spraying animals" and giggled like a young girl.

I felt a bit sick by this stage. "Who gets to clean it?" "Don't worry we have cleaners but it really is gross. We never use their toilets unless we are desperate!" I nodded, feeling slightly relieved. My new boss then invited me to her place after work, as it was close by.

Debrief with my dr tomorrow. Need to get up early. So much to tell him. Only half an hour. Grrrr!

20 April 2016

As I was leaving to see my doctor, I received a phone call from my childhood friend in New Zealand. So excited to hear from her. I promised to call her back but have lost all her numbers. So I hope she calls me back again.

Feeling loved and happy after reconnecting to Margaret (in person!) and Lynne by phone. My childhood "sisters". Also looking forward to seeing Lyn tomorrow and always happy and grateful for happy times spent with Jarrod.

So happy and excited to have spoken to Lynne Robertson at last. Wow! She was my only "family" growing up. Thank god for her and her parents who tolerated this opinionated spoilt but broken child in their home. That is where I learnt about real love and acceptance.

Lucy visited again yesterday. She stayed for several hours. She is very intense but I understand her loneliness and suffering. She arrived a few nights ago at 1 am and left at 3.30 am. Very chaotic. I would get cranky with her but I was up watching tv anyway and in a way it is nice to have company.

This afternoon I have a debrief with my psychiatrist. 2 weekly debriefing as I have been so unwell. All good. At least he is monitoring me.

I have been upset about my lawns but I hired another guy to come next week when I get paid. The grass gets quickly out of control when people are unreliable. I hope this guy will turn up!

20 April 2014

3.43 am on bus home. I had a good night until 3 am when one of my stalkers made a pest of himself. I told him he better not follow me to the bus, to his face in front of one of the security guys.

Creepy. He just smiled, played dumb. So I told the other 2 security guys outside that if he follows me, I will call the cops.

I danced heaps tonight, with my beautiful friends. So not complaining. I think I will have a hot bath when I get home as I am sore from all the dancing.

Life is Good. Looking forward to a nice cup of tea and a cuddle with my cats! :-)

20 April 2011

Update 2022: I dreamt of her just after she died too and found out about her passing after I posted on here about the dream. She was bathed in light so I kinda knew it was her “goodbye” but it was astonishing to get confirmation that she had indeed passed three weeks prior.

I felt comforted and honoured that I dreamed of her after her death as we had not been in contact for decades but it proved to me that real love/ friendship/ a weird kinda kinship of trauma survivors never dies.

So wherever you are in the next dimension Suzy Van Der Kwast. Have a coffee and a cuddle from me. :-)

Well, I have been blessed with two lovely Seders this year, which more than makes up for the last mumble mumble years when I didn't go to any! What a spiritually loaded couple of days! Thanks to all for making it so special! Xxxx

Now for the BOMBSHELL! BECAUSE my life is not ever allowed to be righteous, smooth, painfree or just plain easy cruising...I got a phone call from Perth WA.

Yes, a stranger in Perth phoned me. He has my 82 year old itinerant meshuggeh Father, the Prodigal Dad, has arrived there by plane to housesit and caretake on a small farm for the next 3 months.

Update 20 April 2019:

Wow no wonder I had my little Pesach/Easter breakdown yesterday. My psyche remembered how my father managed to fuck up this sacred time not just by dying on 3 March ‘17 and the long wait for his prodigal ashes to be scattered on 19 April ‘17 but here is a reminder that he popped up in 2011 via some farmer he had agreed to housesit for but who became alarmed that my father was not quite right in the head.

So I did not want him here with me so the farmer deposited David Phillips at a men’s hostel in Perth. From there he managed to get himself back to Queensland (Warwick) as he was staying in an Irish pub there (this was synchronistic as I was dancing down daemons, Fae and bloody stalkers at Irish Murphies at the same time) and then next I heard of my progenitor, he had died of sepsis from an untreated kidney infection at a hostel in Shepparton, Victoria.

The staff had failed to take him to hospital and the cleaners found his room empty as someone (a kind Samaritan) has taken him to hospital without telling the staff. So yeah basically they murdered the old man by neglect as he died in Hospital of sepsis. Not a pleasant end to a life.

So anyway, my brain remembers my ancestors in ways that they should really be long forgotten. Trauma, DNA and spiritual bonds. Fuck it all! But every day in every way I am re-creating a beautiful life for myself.

It’s raining and it’s a lovely day. The moon was gorgeous and rich last night and recharged my crystals and filled my soul with strength and bliss.

I am gonna spend my rest of life dragging myself up from the abyss only to fall again but I am okay with that. Been doing it since birth and I am getting better at it.

Old age has some strange gifts. Not giving a fuck and not staying in the Doldrums for longer than necessary. Survival. Even Thrival. Post-traumatic growth. Miraculous.

Thanks to BPJC for leftover Seder food. It meant Gail and I didn't have to cook much tonight apart from extra pumpkin. Gail was stressed with little Tahylia being her usual interesting 6 year old self, ie high maintenance and I got sozzled on Goon as I needed to dull down some awful feelings after two separate phonecalls since last night. LOL

20 April 2010

Contentment is Pension Day, disappointment is the day after Pension day.

Tinker Tink the possum had another apple this evening, now she takes it out of my hand. So cute!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons


About the Creator

Tanya Arons

I write about my life experiences. I write about complex ptsd, the agonies, the angst and my post traumatic growth. About Beauty, Truth and Honour and little vignettes of comfort from the spirits that love me: living and dead. I also Dance!

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