Memories: 16 January 2023

16 January 2024

Another humid and rainy day. I spent the day making my YouTube videos of my journal entries. Then I got exhausted so I had to have a nap.

It’s now 5:43 pm and the rain has finally ceased and the sun is back out. Hello Sun. Nice to see you smiling down upon us again.

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I took Charlie for a walk around the block before sunset. We stopped to visit little Koko and Peter.

Then we came home. I cooked up a delicious beef stir fry cooked in coconut cream and peanut butter with some masala spice and ginger, lime juice, half a sugar loaf cabbage, carrots and cherry tomatoes with hokjein noodles. It was delicious. I froze a serving down and kept a serving for tomorrow night’s dinner in the fridge. Not too shabby. I can survive.

16 January 2023

Jarrod, Crystal and I went to the Disney exhibition, then Jarrod and I went to see “Air” at GOMA and then the Brisbane Art Gallery. We met up with Crystal again for an early dinner at Jackpot Dining in West End.

I took lots of photos of all the art, including the murals in Fish Lane, South Brisbane on our walk to West End. A lovely day!

16 January 2021

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This is my problem. My consciousness refuses to get out of the cyclic loop I have been on since my early childhood. It keeps bringing abusers into my purview. Which reactivates my trauma state.

I have been praying for healing of my mind body and spirit but each time I get slammed with more horror. So I give up. It’s too hard.

I just want a loving happy peaceful life and I have to gift it to myself.

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Rainnnnnn....woohoooo! Much needed and much appreciated.

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Titanium Woman

I am Standing in the middle of a maelstrom. A vortex. A tornado. In the stillness of hell that buffets me. I take a breath and remember. I am a cog in a wheel in the circle of life.

My time is always Now. I am never too late or too early. I am always perfectly aligned with the machinations of the multiverse. A wheel within a wheel slowly Inexorably locking into place, in time and space.

Yesterday some dirty motherfucker made me want to push myself off my own timeline...off my tiny grip on my cosmic wheel that keeps turning and clicking into place with or without my fractal frenetic accomplices.

Fait accompli? Not yet...not yet...my wheels are spinning but they have their own orbit and their own rhythm. The people and souls that choose me each and every day, who grant me love and support and holiness, may bounce into my orbit or fly free of my stolid hobbit footed grip on this equally gyrating planet, a tiny sphere in a giant multiverse. A mere dot.

Who am I to go against the Will of God, of all the gods that excruciatingly denied me wealth and true love and safety and sanctity until even They said “Genug! Enough”. The woman has talent, and heart and courage and we shall bless her with beauty, bliss, benevolence and brilliance.

And so They did. Suddenly, miraculously, albeit arduously this woman reclaimed her lifeforce and her awe, her delight in small things and in the Majesty. Her grip on her cosmically enshrined clock. Chiming into eternity.

Tick tock! Time is a human construct They say. Nature will hold her sway and The Tanya?...Will rejoice another blessed day. Dance, sing, write, and Love. Politely segue the ignoble and dissolute who tried to destroy her joy and her light.

Go! Be awesome somewhere else. Shine bright like a Diamond. Be the best version of you. Perhaps a version you yourself has not met yet!

I will Suffer no competition or befoulment, no envy or vice. For we are Equals under the skies. Children of earth and sky and sea and most precious beloveds of the gods. (Just keep that Trickster cherub away from me as her arrows scorch and brought me only scorn!)

My Love merits a love that meets me halfway and takes my hand and dances me to the end of love and back again. Hallelujah. But I had to grow my own heart another skin. I had to let it heal. Then ignite it and spark it out into the cosmos. A siren song and distress/impress call...

Alone I remain as my heart called in The One amongst the many who sought to trifle with my existence. And in my solitude I remained in love with life, with love and with my own soul. I grew older and bolder. Threw grief over my shoulder and gained back the peace stolen by ugly Fools.

My time...is Precious. My heart is strong. It will leave a resonance long after I am gone. In the sweetness of a blooming flower, or a faint memory for the ones who truly did love me...even from a distance of eons.

Click clack. The locks are sealed in time and space. I miss your face and the love you denied me but it’s all okay. Another day. Another way. Another epoch awaits me.

16 January 2021

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10:40 am in this moment I am struck by a holy Awe. I am hanging like the Hangman between Heaven and Earth, in my hammock under the tree, under the bluest of skies, serenaded by cicadas and a quiet bliss.

The shadows of the leaves rustling above my head are creating patterns across the broadcloth of the hammock. A shadow puppet play from the trees to me (and thee!)

The crows fly past, with their long drawn out caw. A “hello” as they go about their business of living free and wild.

Charlie is in the back garden making her weird clucking noises (I look back to see that she has had a bath and is wet and bedraggled and looks more like a small dinosaur in that state!)

Beauregard lies beneath me, soaking up the light and the peace.

All is well in this moment. These series of moments that flow into the day. A day becomes a week, then a month then a decade and there were so many decades of abject horror but this is my last hurrah.

I turn and turn, wrestling with the past yet fully inviting the future and I create my future from my momentary resoluteness to be...Me. Joyous, carefree, belovèd....Fully alive and aware...holding space for my own self in all the places I was wounded and broken and desolate.

Where the chasms of grief and trauma gave my enemies permission to dig deep into my already excruciating wounds and tweak my soul even more.

I vomited them out...purged them out and in time I used the power of my Voice and my long suffering silence to deep sound my truth in all existence.

Hated was I, for even that but here I reside...in all my glory and my eternally unfolding story. At peace with the gods...with my own Soul. Resplendent, triumphant and grateful.

Even surrounded by darkness and hatred and torpitude, I shone through. I fought through.

No one fucks with The Tanya. I have a little thing called Defiance and my gods have brought me fine and noble and decent brave people who are happy to stand with me. 😉

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My father left me nothing but a determination to survive. Cees left me a brass horn (used for opening dyke bridges in Holland), a silver teaspoon (a twisted family in-joke as it was believed I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth), his rock from Mittelbau-Dora and a book about it.

All my family of origin gifted me only decades of trauma and grief. In Shamanism we are expected to honour our ancestors but my lot were an unworthy bunch of abusers.

So when I pray for the assistance of my “ancestors” it is only to the righteous decent ones of previous generations whose spirits hang around occasionally or send me little weird synchronicities. Like the sweet man yesterday who was so excited about his new love, who was named Dave and proudly proclaimed to be descended from a Native American. I told him that was beautiful. I always loved Native Americans.

He gifted me with a message when I said how upset I have been about my so-called superficial awful crass friends at the casino. “One doors closes and another one opens” he said.

Wise one. It was a favourite saying of my much-beloved June Robertson. I am waiting patiently for the new door to open for me. For somewhere I am welcome and respected and even loved.

I need to find a new venue and surround myself with people with basic manners and morals and honour and decency. I wonder where, in this debauched society, and convoluted literally-burning-down timeline?

I guess it’s not so bad. I will keep dancing and keep honouring my own unique Light. In time the right people will join with me. If not...I am content to be alone.

16 January 2020

11:11 pm dear Angels. Please cut all contracts, connections, attachments to false superficial people. Invite only good loyal authentic people into my life. Thank you. Aho! Amen v’selah.

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Wow. Just found out via a Facebook post that a friend that demanded a particular faery from me for her birthday. (one I had sitting on my couch and was actually going to keep!). Well she posted on a paranormal page that the faery I gifted her “freaked her out” but she was okay with it now.

I replied “what????” Instant Block/delete. I am so sick of fake lying using “friends”. The cull is continuing. Not cool but holy crap. Necessary.

I just had to laugh. What dark demon have I picked up since the last near death experience that has turned longtime friends so fucking rotten?!

I can hardly believe it. But I saw it with my own eyes.

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Trying to work out what I want for dinner and trying to convince myself to go out. I thought about driving to West End for Jackpot Dining but decided it’s too far. I don’t want to leave my dog. Or my dark bedroom and comfortable bed.

I don’t want a drive-through takeaway as it nearly fricking kills me every time. I don’t even have the motivation to buy groceries. Gahhh.

But all good. I am going through another change or shift or some kind of breakdown and zero fucks given. Everything is an effort lately. But I had a few good days for the past few days. So I know it’s not depression. Just a sense of being on the cusp of major change.

What do I have for dinner? Where can I go?! Hmmm. Hardly existential questions.

White privileged spoilt brat acopic atrophy problems. Hmmm.

I could get in the car and buy Miss India. Or just stay home and make pancakes. Decisions.

I can’t be hungry enough or I would have shot out of bed like a tasered maniac by now. Chasing food is so primal but boringgg.

I will do what I always do when food is a too-hard task. Boil potatoes and chuck in mayonnaise and call it potato salad. Death by carbicide.

Rachel Walsh: Tanya ~ I ate chocolate ice-cream for dinner tonight, was feeling lazy & Nick had Chinese leftovers, he was right, so that's what was for dinner this evening, yummo! 💗🍨🍧🍦🍫

Me: Chocolate Ice cream for dinner is amazing. I have often had dessert for dinner. Comfort food is good. Some nights I make rice pudding for dinner. Or custard. 🙂. Nice to see I am not the only one who does this! Love you, gorgeous girl x

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Yup!

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Very tired today. It must be the rain and cooler temperature. I loved the rain though. It was glorious!

16 January 2019

My doctor says that I have a habit of taking very cruel damaged people under my wing and they are often drawn to me. I have a tough take no- shit exterior but underneath it all I am a sweet loving woman.

He recommends I take a break from going to the casino for a while until I am feeling less vulnerable.

Good advice. Although I simply refuse to let my abusers win against me. But I may take his advice and have a break.

I said that I have no problem taking people under my wing, but it is utterly awful when those people bite me on the breast in return for my kindness. Pernicious spectacular Evil!

He agrees with me though. Water finds its own level. They have their own karma to deal with and I am going to get clean and clear of the filthy liars and traitors.

I wish I could move to Byron Bay. But nowhere to go but rise above my own griefs and traumas and hold my ground.

Safe in the knowledge that I am a far better finer person than my lacklustre enemies could ever aspire to be.

Safe, strong and true to myself!

16 January 2018

11:11 pm. Finally sitting down. My feet are aching so bad. But have put the rest of dinner away, done dishes and plotzed and plotzed.

Tomorrow I will clean bathroom thoroughly and mop the floors. Oh wait. Might need to vacuum again.

But shit, somehow I will motivate myself to do the floors.

I also threw out a dozen out-of-date eggs (I bought them before Xmas!) mixed them with water and threw them around the roses. Put their eggshells around the lime tree and hydrangea. I threw out some bulk flour that was out of date also. Finally room in my top freezer.

I sprayed the oven with oven cleaner also. That will get wiped out tomorrow. It will be nice to have a clean oven again.

It’s like a big Summer Clean! My back is hurting too. It’s gonna be uncomfortable sleeping on my bed with out the cushioning of the mattress topper. I haven’t had time to remake my bed. So will probably sleep in the spare room.

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Utterly exhausted. Still. Have. Floors.to.mopppppp.

But washed my feather mattress topper. It will take 3-4 days to dry. Hope we don’t get much rain for next 2 days.

I cleaned out Charlie’s cage. Did a few loads of washing. Polished some of my copper ie the shower curtain rod, the towel rails, the front gate sign and mum’s and Tristan’s memorial signs. Did all my dishes. Defrosted a chook to cook for dinner tonight.

Which reminds me...I still need to clean the oven and microwave and bake a cake for Friday when my nephew’s family arrive. Farkkkk! I have let my house go so have lots to do before now and then.

I also watered the garden which means I now have a bad sunburn but so what? I wanted everything to be looking nice!

I still need to get some groceries but my feet are aching so bad that I am having trouble walking. It’s the heat. They hurt yesterday at Coochiemudlo Island also.

That is what happens when you have almost died of septic arthritis. Your bones continue to ache in winter and in the heat of summer. Awful! But I need to have a little rest now.

I guess by the time I have remade my bed for the night and cooked that chicken I might be ready to go to bed early!

16 January 2017

11:11 pm make a wish. As for me, not a well woman. In a bit of a state.

Jarrod and Harvey just left. He made roast veges and bought a roast lamb and we feasted. Yum!

I became rather crook which seems to be my new normal. So I am lying in bed and contemplating my life before I close my eyes to dream up another day.

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The Boys!

Haha miss our Harvey! Bobo used to drive him nuts!!!

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Put the drops in my ear. Dr says they might not work and I may need a stronger dose (then why bother giving me the weaker dose?). Anyway I am hoping these will work as I am done and dusted with being constantly in pain and sick.

Karen has gone home. Now awaiting Jarrod and Harvey's arrival.

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Dr allowed me to pay tomorrow when my pension goes in my account although I will have to go to Medicare for the rebate. Chemist was willing to do the same as I did not have enough money for the script. People are kind.

By the gods, although I am grateful I am also sick of living on the edge like this.

Kelly Anne: All good providing the govt actually pays us our pensions & doesn't pretend we owe them some fucking great big debt... bastards. As if society hasn't stolen enough from ppl like us as it is! Bunch of total wankers.

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Finally seeing a Dr. They let me come this afternoon and come back tomorrow to pay. Phew. I don't think I could last out much longer.

Kelly Anne: Sorry ur suffering. 😢 Wish I could help you out. Cook for you or sweep up or feed the animals or make u chicken soup or something. The mum in me desperately desires to nurture u back to health! xo

Me: Thanks Kelly Anne. Karen spent 3 days here. She kept me company and cooked pizza for me last night and bought meals. It was very sweet of her.

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5.08 am earache excruciating. I will have to give in and see a doctor. It started just after the dry socket so obviously the heavy antibiotics that gave me a bad reaction did not do their job or this is yet another infection.

I have taken some more pain killers and will try to sleep some more. But this has been constant tooth/jaw pain and then ear pain since December.

Louise Winton: Oh Tanya feel better soon - there is nothing so bad as earache or toothache. You've had a rotten time lately XXXX

16 January 2016

I love a good story. As I told one drunk guy who offered to pay me to come home with him. (I doubt he had Cribbage in mind?!) "I am not for sale. I realise that at 3 am (it was actually 2.56 am precisely) you men crawl out of the pubs and clubs itching for last minute fucks but you are talking to the wrong woman." He gave Katrina $100. He asked me what I am out for.

I said "For the stories. I love the fascinating yarns people tell after they have recovered from the fact they are not going to get laid". So he told me his story. Not particularly unusual and peppered with sexual innuendo.

I said, as Katrina said she didn't like the sexual talk , "well here, you didn't pay me $50 to listen to your sex talk so remember you are a gentleman and we are Ladies". He laughed at that. Mumbled some more inanities about why I am there, and who he is. Usual drunken existential angst.

Then when he realised neither of us were going to bonk him, he ambled up with boyish chagrin to the taxi rank. Awww. Altogether aww. Generous to my friend though. Good on him. He said he was a Trade Unionist.

Man, those men throw money around like Kings but are vulgar as muck. Says she, who has dined with (and bollocked!) a creepy antisemitic NZ politician in her heyday (in a very exclusive lodge!) but now is just as comfortable hanging out with street people.

Sitting on the ground, having a laugh at life in all its kaleidoscopic catastrophes. Yup. If you can walk with Kings but never lose the common touch...you will be a woman, my daughter. Sorry but Rudyard Kipling was no feminist.

Katrina was happy with the toiletries and hair products I brought her. She liked the blouse too. Bless her!

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To my Casino Dancers: I wrote a scathing review to the Treasury about the awful House Muzak shit they now play between sets when the bands play. Argghhhhh. Please support me in writing your own reviews too. Otherwise they will completely ruin that venue as they did in the American football machining days.

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Fasten your seats Facebookers. The Tanya has had no sleep after thrashing her body on the Livewire (aptly named!) Bar dance floor at that den of iniquity, the Treasury Casino.

Expect Crazyyyy!

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11 am. Been dozing since 7 am. I can't sleep. Overflowing with a big Love. Beauregard sleeping in his crate but epic cuddles from my girl, Penny! :-).

I don't feel all that well. Bit of nausea, tummy ache and what felt like the beginning of an earache last night. Earache gone but major insomnia.

I danced so wildly last night that my entire body and spirit is in over-drive, super turbo-charged. I needed the exercise (exorcise???!) as I had been so depressed this week, I felt like cutting my head off and carrying it under my arm.

Dreadful zombie feeling still chews me out with a vengeance. But when I come alive, well, look out! Exhaustion is the price I pay for my one night of berserker mania. Not.even.a.Full.Moon!

Happy woman now! Time to get out of bed and bite the blessèd morning with my dog.

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5 am. Home from a great night out. I hung out with Katrina until 4am. Now doing my usual soak in a hot bath.

By golly gosh, Odin Thor and Hashem, am I sore. But I got lucky as Mission X were playing so I got to rock out all night.

The music in between sets was awful House music. It was like brain surgery without the anaesthesia. As soon as Mission X finished at 1.30 am, Karen and I left the casino.

I enjoyed the rest of the early hours of the morning with Katrina. Then several blocks to get my car from Alice Street. Casino screwed me over with the 'free' parking but still let the other women in my group, park.

Fucking hypocritical double-standard pricks of management. Never mind. I have my integrity and it is a good little meditation, walking to the casino from Margaret or Alice Street. Helps get me in the mood to rock chick like a Berserker.

16 January 2015

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I spent the last few minutes of my dreamscape dreaming of overflowing toilets and having epic diarrhoea!

I also had a lovely chat with my childhood friend, Lynne Robertson who hasn't talked with me in years. In the dream I took her to Byron Bay and bought her dinner.

So my brain was very busy dreaming of shit and lost friends.

Hmmm! My mother always said Money is on the way when you dreamt of shit. I have found this to be fairly accurate over the years.

I have no idea where it will come from though.

I feel quite exhausted from the heat and my over-active unconscious but I think I will go out tonight. Need to move my body!

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3.11 pm just woke up. Got message from my Dr. My cholesterol is up a bit. Need be put on medication. Wtf? Made appt for Tuesday.

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Insomnia........zzzzzzzzzzzzz! So have leapt up, put fan on, ate some chocolate. Now to rest with eyes wide open and dream the dreams of the living dead!

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I have an urge to go out. What could possibly be happening in the CBD at 12.19 am friday morning?

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11.55pm. (15 Jan!) I have had a lovely day and evening with my gorgeous Crystal. We played "Hands up" on her iphone, practised French for her trip overseas in May and enjoyed the balmy night with the bunnies, kitten and Cats.

We gave Sookie a bob-tail cut as her bumholey area was a bit matted. She was such a good girl and was so patient but felt safe in Grandma's confident firm grip. We put some dry shampoo on her butt area as well.

That shit cost $13. I am sure I could make it myself. All it is, is Baking Soda, Corn Starch, Calcium Carbonate and perfume. Humph! It did the job though. Sookie can run free of her own crap for a few weeks.

16 January 2014

Just woke up to epic cuddles and kisses from Penny. She makes opening my eyes on the world so furry (hairball...pffffft!) but purrfect. Her "Good Mornings" and "good nights" are the Best. We miss Bella Rosa and Zulu bad though.

I think it would be nice to have a human male in my bed for comfort too, but seriously no man has ever loved me nearly as much as my animals. Sad but true!

Thank God for bringing so much great true and devoted Love to my life. Truly happy, blessed Woman here.

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I'm taking Sarah to the eye surgeon at 5 pm for a check up. Hopefully we will find time to pop in on Crystal after, as I have meadow hay to give her for Ramon and she has his poop to give me. Win-win situation. :-).

Who would ever have thought the day would come when my kid could give me shit and I'd totally Love it?

16 January 2013

Watching Dark Shadows. Cute movie.

16 January 2010

Lol it's 1.09 am and I am pretty worn out from cooking yesterday evening. Amazingly I made a no-bake cheesecake, a jelly, a spaghetti bolognese, and an Iced Tea concoction.

I really don't know what got into me and I can't believe most people actually cook three times a day, every day. Man, it's a killer! LOL. Looking forward to the cheesecake though, as I haven't made one for about 20 years!

Sylvia Shine:

Hi Tanya,god,all that lovely food,you will soon be crying,weight-weight-weight.Buck up honey,the sun is soon going to break through.Any luck,for Crystal?it will happen,all of a sudden,wait and see.I understand what you are going through,you will survive,thank god,for facebook,you can write it all down,it wont condecend,just say what you feel,good for the system,so I know you understand what I'm saying.Be well,lots and lots of what you need. x x x x x x x x A freind in need.SYLVIA

16 January 2009

is having an interesting time...an unusual emotion has crept over me the last few days....horror of horrors...could it be happiness ? What now?

Update 2020: The first time I got happy. Soon demoralised and downgraded as “hypomanic”. Fuck that. I would rather be hypomanic (maniacally joyous, ebullient, creative and delightful) than suicidally depressed. But my life has been a long arduous journey with many varied cascades of trauma so now, now, I choose to be Happy. It’s the best and ultimate revenge on my enemies. They can’t stand it!!!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons