10 January 2023
Just bought new HEPA and deodoriser filters for the air conditioner. Expensive for two little bits of cardboard. I gave it a good clean but I still need to get a proper service for the outside machine.
But it’s hot as hell again so I am wanting to keep that little beauty working as long as possible 🙂
Always grateful to my benefactor for this gift!
10 January 2022
10 January 2021
6:55 am I passed a very bad, very painful night with severe back pain which manifested again last evening! It has been hurting on and off for a few days but last night it decided to just slam me out of nowhere.
I had great difficulty turning over which I had to do often because of my lungs. I did not take any pain relief which was stupid as it hurt so very very much. But I did lots of deep breathing and sending energy through to the small of my back on the right side. Almost feels like sciatica except it’s higher up slightly.
It hurt to get up to go to the toilet. It hurt to get back into bed. I must say I am so over chronic illness and chronic pain. It’s endless suffering. But this is my body and my life and I must make peace with it!
I was thinking during the night about my ex Husband’s wonderful Acupuncturist who was Vietnamese and an amazing miracle worker!
I needed her last night (and now!) Every time I had a baby he would conveniently throw his back out and be writhing in agony and even struggle to go to the toilet.
She would arrive with her tiny force field of attitude and roll her eyes at him and tell me “he big baby...just wants attention…you need a real man to support and protect you now you have given birth!”
I would nod and quietly seethe but too exhausted and in Pain myself from childbirth to do anything about it. I thought staying in a bad marriage to maintain a family unit was the safest outcome. But Loan knew I had married a weak piece of shit schmuck!
So I took her medecine last night! Told myself I was a big baby and weak and it’s only my l3/l4 disc and I have survived Far Far worse things. Then I decided it was my sciatic nerve I pinched by squatting down making paper pulp in the blender 5 days ago. So exposed my inflamed back to the cold night air and rubbed it with the flat of my hand.
No one to look after me so “physician...heal thyself!” It hurt like Hades but my warm hand on my cooling sore spot acted a bit like a hot pack and an Ice pack.
Rolls eyes. So here I am back in the room, sailing through my hellish agonies like a Berserker on acid on a raid! No choice but to carry on￼￼!
I will make a cup of tea and crawl back into my bed which is torture right now. Big baby can just pull herself together! Wahhh!
That woman loved me and if I had taken her cues and actually listened to her when she said my husband was weak and malevolent (like every other lover I attracted to myself in later life...HaShem the cruel jealous God!) I might have had a much better safer saner life.
But the gods threw everything at me and here I am...Almost 56 years old. Hanging in there. Formidable.
I had a shower at 12:30 pm. Washed my hair but almost blacked out while shaving my legs. Fainting spell brought on by back pain and humidity in the shower. I had to sit on the edge of the bath and try very hard not to slip or black out.
I ran cold water over my hand hoping it would revive me. It didn’t but after a few minutes where I felt I might vomit, the funny turn passed enough for me to stand upright again, finish shaving my armpits and run cold water down the nape of my neck. That helped a bit.
I got out of the shower and felt so weak that I lay back down on my bed. But I forced myself to get up, take two more panadols (which take the edge off only!) ate some banana bread and drank tea. I got myself dressed (no bra because fuck it!) sat outside for a short while.
Then came in to make another cup of tea. I feel woollen and wrung out. So sick of this.
Heading back outside as there is a lovely strong breeze and it might help clear my head and open my heart more.
10 January 2020
My half sister bought me Rumours by Fleetwood Mac when I turned 13. My first album. I was rapt! A few weeks later she stole it back from me. I never got over it (obviously!)
As soon as I got married I started buying my own records. But still not many as my husband didn’t like my taste in music. But as soon as I left him I bought cds. Every fortnight, in the clearance section of Big W I would shout myself or my girls a CD. I wanted us to have our own music that we adore and to dance!!!
I did not have any heavy metal or hard rock music until my late 40s though. Lmao! I still have poor knowledge of musicians. Like a few years ago I had no idea that Robert Plant played for LED Zeppelin. A former flame ditched me for not knowing that!
It was not my fault I was raised without the music of my own generation. Even my much older half sister denied me that by stealing back my Fleetwood Mac album. But I survived by listening to Wolfman Jack on Lynne’s transistor radio when I slept at her place and listening to Lou Reed and David Bowie and the Rolling Stones in her bedroom while she got stoned.
The last and only time I went back to NZ end of 2004/early 2005 I was horrified to discover that my sister also denied her own husband having cds. She expected him to borrow them from the Wellington Public Library (her reason was to save money for expensive travel overseas!) but I thought it was utterly abusive.
I asked him what his favourite band was? He replied “the Eagles” so I went right out and bought him their latest album. He was so thrilled. I figure it was the least I could do since I was staying in his house.
I called it a late Christmas present. I said “ a person should have their own music on hand whenever they want. It’s therapeutic!” I wonder if he continued with my small rebellion?! Hopefully he streams his music these days.
10 January 2019
Better not Bitter...
I now understand why I felt so upset and anxious and unsettled yesterday. I thought it was from Processing the events last Saturday night but tonight I saw I had another traitor in my inner circle. The photos on Facebook were the information that confirmed my twanging intuition since yesterday.
I am running hot with this intuition thing. To the point my body tells me long before I find out what in hell is actually going on.
I hate being lied to and betrayed. Time to move on and let the shits float where they must.
I am on a new path. Integrity, truth, honour and trusting in myself and my abilities more and more.
As a woman at Woolies told me yesterday, a reminder of my long-held belief, “we come into this world alone and we leave it alone so we have to trust our Self”.
10 January 2017
Stinking hot day. Lying on my bed on top of my sarong to soak up my sweat, with a fan blowing on me. Dry socket still sore which is irksome. Slight headache from pain in jaw and the heat. Penny lying beside me as my faithful gatekeeper. Beauregard lying on the cool wooden floor.
The sky outside is blue. Lovely blue. Life is good in spite of my health issues.
10 January 2016
3.36 am. Home safe. Crippled feet. Hot bath. Now bed. Good god, I can't keep doing this! But I danced wildly tonight. Angry, frustrated movements and internal dialogue with the universe. All good. Feeling loved and protected. By people who care and by spirits of Light. Thank you!
I took a bag of clothes, some biscuits and shampoo and conditioner into the city for my homeless friend but she wasn't out on the streets. I will bring it with me next week. Hopefully I find her outside the casino on Friday night.
1.38 pm just woke up. Took my tablets. Left my opened yoghurt container in the bench, half-asleep still. Walk back into kitchen to find Socks licking the top of my freshly opened yoghurt. Scraped top off into sink. Start eating yoghurt. Turn to gaze at something else. Look again. Socks is back, after my yoghurt.
Put him on floor, all 9 kilos of him. Return to eating out of the container (grotty but I live alone so really, only one person eats the yoghurt). But alas, Socks back on bench, waiting for another lapse in my concentration. I think about killing him but you know, yoghurt is yummy and he is a Gourmand.
5.40 pm. Been snoozing most of the day. Now awake. Hmmm! What to do? Stay cool! Stay clear! Stay beautiful. Time for a cup of tea and another venture into the garden. Penny has enjoyed her snuggles next to me.
10 January 2015
Dear G-d. Thank you for answering my recent prayers. You told me I would buy shoes at the charity shop. I did. 3 pairs!
You told me to wear my new corset and shoes. Wow! What a transfixion!
Tanya Arons (Phillips)
Agent Provocateur, Muse, Social Butterfly, Wild freespirit, Lover of Life, Writer, Observer of Human interactive experiences, Dancer, Enchanter, Inspirational Coach, Spiritual Medium (through dance and music!), Mother, Friend, occasional Lover. Custodian of Sacred Space and my garden and fur/fin/feathered family.
Interactive consumer of public media and products.
Guide and supporter to others suffering similar life difficulties.
Survivor! Woman Warrior of Spirit! Former daughter. Former sister, aunt, sister in law, former friend. Former Wife.
Resurgent fighter to Thrive and prosper after 47 years of trauma.
Daughter of the Holy One Blessed be his Name. Of our father Abraham and Sarah.
Former lover of Davids. Daughter of David. All inveterate abusers.
Sister, warrior and soulmate to Women Survivors everywhere.
Jew, Witch, Viking, Healer, Lightworker.
Swimmer through the Sephirot. Grounded in Malkhut. Floating in Keter. Inspired by Tepheret.
Keeper of the faith in things yet unrevealed.
At Gail's after we attempted a swim at Wynnum Beach but were stymied by Tahylia putting on an epic turn and refusing to get out of car. So after many negotiations, threats of punishment and mental stress we came back home.
Gail's task with that child is an enormous one and she has little support. For my part, I had to take a Valium.
Tayhlia is very traumatised and I see so many parallels of my own childhood reactions in hers.
O M G! What a fantastic night. The casino went Off. It was raining men Hallelujah. I wore my new corset and boy, did we all have a wonderful time!
I am so happy and am glad I went out in spite of my sore back.
Sometimes in life you just gotta Wing it.
Harvey (my friend Jarrod’s Jack Russell) was so devastated that I went out that he shat twice on the kitchen floor and threw up all over the house.
So now we are cuddling in my bed and he is lying in my arms twitching with relief to have his Auntie Tanya all to himself again.
His father is in Holland feeling the cosmic umbilical cord twitching. He misses his dog terribly.
Holly Dawson: I would too but with safe hands like yours, it'd be manageable
Me: Yeah, he messaged me on FB and said Harvey is with the best possible person, as he knows how much Harvey and I love each other. Harvey is very much my little BF. As long as he can snuggle in bed with me or lie in my arms he is perfectly content. (He is a very neurotic little dog!)
The other night, (I sleep nude in summer) I woke up with Harvey stretched out the length of my body snuggling against me, with a big smile. I had a chuckle to myself thinking, I need a human man like that.
10 January 2014
Sleeping over with Sarah tonight. 4th night. I am rather tiddly from wine. We had chicken and a yummy pasta salad I made for dinner.
Sarah is improving. She can open her eyes now. In a few more weeks her vision will be restored.
10 January 2013
Teeth still sore but probably cos I have used them for eating! Having a nice time with Annette and Lyn tonight.
Sylvia Shine: all the better to bite them with! x x x
10 January 2012
I feel much happier after my swim at Wynnum Beach wading pool, thanks to Gail. Phew!
10 January 2011
Just told both my daughters to try to get to my place if the flooding gets any worse where they live. At least I'm higher up. I hope they use common sense. I'm really worried.
Harpur G Maz: oh no are you in a flood area. You on GOld Coast?
Me: I'm in the hills of Holland Park, ten minutes from the city. I figure I am safe enough here but I'm worried for my kids who both live in the flooded areas. I hope they get out before it gets worse and I've told them to come home and sit it out for a few days with me. But my younger one is too proud and stubborn. I hope she uses common sense.
My older daughter has work on the Busway at 4 am so if they shut down the buses, she will be trapped but she will also know it's really bad. I want her home too. What can one do? My car is not working so I can't go and pick them up and drag them home kicking and screaming LOL.
Crystal has assured me she will try to get to my place if they evacuate her area. She lives right near the Brisbane River but on the 3rd floor so she thinks she will be safe there. It's what happens on the roads I'm most concerned about.
Harpur G Maz: hows your kids. Its all over the news down here.Hard to imagine
Me: Crystal is home safe with me after 5 hours of my stressing and demanding they come home since yesterday. Jasmine refused to stay here with me and went sightseeing at the river. Such a foolish girl. I can't worry about her now. She has made her choice.
I am however livid beyond belief that Crystal's work have insisted she still go to work at 3 am in the middle of a national disaster. No way will I let her go without a fight. What kind of arseholes send young women out in raging floods to man a busway? The buses should be shut down now things are dangerous.
It beggars belief! People should either be evacuated or encouraged to sit tight in their homes rather than traverse the city in buses. Ludicrous!
Harper G Maz: whats happened now?
Me: Crystal sensibly stayed home with me. The flooding is immense and I did not want her safety jeopardised. We are both safe and dry but there are warnings of possible disease from the raw sewerage and the mosquitoes. Dengue Fever and Ross River Fever are anticipated.
Courtenay's car has broken down, so he now needs to fix his car, and he informs me there are no parts available for my car anymore but he can machine the brakes one more time.
I'm thinking I might have to wreck The Beast after all. It all seems too hard. Will wait and see what Courtenay says when he sees how much needs to be done on my car. He might agree to let me wreck it after all.
Nanny Dubs: That rain is just not stopping, omg it looks terrible on the news, u take care if you go on the roads
Me: Tania, it's truly horrific. I am relatively safe here, on a slight hill, but under my house everything will have been ruined. I'm upstairs so the water washes underneath me. I'm not worried so much about the house but the crazy flash flooding on the roads is a major concern.
In one way it's great I don't have a car, as I often go a bit stircrazy in wild weather and try to drive around town. So I'm forced to stay high and dry. Bit hard to get groceries though, but not the end of the world.
Courtenay is coming to pick up The Beast tonight. I am worried all the roads will be flooded out so I hope it will be safe for him to get the car.
I'm going to follow him in his car in case my car doesn't make it. Will be a tad scary if the roads are dodgy. I'm sure he'll cancel if he finds it difficult to get home from work this afternoon.
Another soggy day in Paradise...I've asked for at least 8 hours of sunshine tomorrow but I don't like my chances LOL.
Sonja-Ann McGuigan: nah flippers and snorkel here not hat and sunnies!
lol I woke up this afternoon to loads of sun, hidden by grey heavy cloud cover, but it was there, shining down, struggling to get through. Maybe next week, we'll get some!
10 January 2009
is still recovering from asthma...been over a month now...what a drag!
Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons
About the Creator
I write about my life experiences. I write about complex ptsd, the agonies, the angst and my post traumatic growth. About Beauty, Truth and Honour and little vignettes of comfort from the spirits that love me: living and dead. I also Dance!