I Need To Learn To Love Writing Again

I have always loved writing. I wasn't a stranger to being told I had a natural talent for it at a young age. My mother told me, my sister and my English teachers all let me know how "great" I was at writing. And God, I had so many fantastic ideas in my head that I wanted to spill out on paper. And I did just that for the longest time.

I wrote any chance I got from original stories to fanfiction to assignments. I just absolutely adored writing so much that I would write during my math class, ramble on and on about becoming a "famous author," daydream of my books being on the shelf of a Barnes and Noble. It was everything to me. I was always amateur at everything else but everyone told me that this was my thing. And it was my thing. It was something I was good at or something I at least loved to do. I loved drawing, painting, playing my flute but nothing quite measured up to the love I felt for writing fictional stories. It let me release my feelings and ideas into a beautiful mosaic of words that could have really become something if only I had continued to write. But all things that we love come with obstacles and we all hit bumps in the road no matter how hard we try to avoid them.

My first bump was when I was in 8th grade. I was given the opportunity to work with an editor for my local newspaper. I was able to write whatever I wanted as long as I expressed my opinion. It was exciting to have a mentor and the mentor I had was absolutely amazing. She was kind but she didn't hold back when she needed to tell me to fix something. I wish I could've seen that back then, but I was stubborn and a kid and I didn't like being told what to write or how to write and I sure as hell hated criticism. Even when it was constructive. So like a grumpy kid who didn't want to be told what to do, I quit. I regret that deeply. I shouldn't have given up but I was a kid and I didn't understand what kind of experience I could have gained if I just stuck to it. To this day, I am trying to work on taking criticism. I'm way better now and encourage the help but trying not to take it to heart is something I'm not completely over.

My second bump was met in high school. It started off well in my freshman year. On my state test in 8th grade, I had gotten the highest score in the creative writing section in the entire district. I was incredibly proud of that. I was in AP English and still, I loved writing and everything was good.

Then I got to sophomore year, or as I would call it my worst year of high school. If you're in high school or went to high school you know how much they make you write and when you're in AP you basically never stop writing, but I honestly loved it. Even when I tried to convince myself I hated it like every other teenager, I still loved writing my papers once I actually started on them. With most of my papers, I was incredibly proud of what I wrote. My teacher on the other hand? She did not like anything I turned in. Every single paper I loved that I gave her was always returned with bad grades. I didn't understand why this was happening. The one thing I was good at wasn't good enough for her. I would read through her notes trying to get a better grip of what she wanted from me but I couldn't figure it out. And she would refuse to tell me what I was doing wrong! I was left in the dark the entire year with essays that would only get terrible grades.

Eventually, I started writing less and less as the year continued and I started genuinely hating every single thing I wrote. Then I started to become hesitant with what I turned in and everything I turned in wasn't something I was proud of. Even then, I still got bad grades from her. My teacher has a certain way of doing things and my way of writing wasn't hers so she didn't think it was right. But that was wrong. It was wrong of her to think that her way was the only way and it was wrong of me to think that her opinion of my writing meant that I was a bad writer. It was foolish of me.

Grades don't reflect your worth or your talent. As my mom always says, you can't put a grade on creativity. Creativity is something that you make. No one's creativity is the same so why should one person grade you on what you find creative because I promise you that what you think to be creative will not be someone else's. But I didn't think that way then. I stopped writing altogether because I let her make those essay grades a reflection of who I was.

I regret every day that I stopped writing. Now it's so much harder to jump back into an art that I loved so dearly. I remember being able to write so easily with my raw talent but now it's like writing is a stranger that my social anxiety won't let me talk to. And I hate that I let myself do that when I know how happy I am when I write. I'm not happy unless my life includes writing and I know and feel that but that doesn't make it any less of a chore to jump back into it. I wish I hadn't let my teacher discourage me so much that I just quit.

But I don't want to quit anymore. I owe my past and present self to do what I love. So, I'm going to write again whether my brain likes it or not. I'm going to become better and I will live my life doing what I'm meant to do. So every day I'm going to try to write. Every day I'm going to pay homage to who I used to be.

Please, if you love writing, do not quit. Don't stop. Keep writing. Because when you stop when you're discouraged then it is more difficult to get back to the place you used to be. Hone your skills and use your feelings of discouragement or fear to create art. Whatever you do, don't quit. Because you are amazing at what you do. You don't have to be like everyone else, because you are you and there is no one else like you. Someone out there will love your art for what it is. So keep writing. Prove them wrong.