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I'm ok

I am not

By JoyPublished 10 months ago 3 min read
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I'm ok
Photo by Mike Yukhtenko on Unsplash

My head has been hurting a lot recently, not only psychologically but physically. All the pressure from overthinking is eating me alive. I don't know if I'm ever going to make it out of here.

Everything around me feels unreal, almost like a a vr. A game that I never wanted to play... Silence and observation is all that I do. I sit in silence watching everyone in slow motion. Almost like I don't belong here. Then where do I belong?

Emptiness, empty heart, empty mind, empty emotions, empty feelings in an empty soul that all it ever wanted was happiness. A peaceful life that I sacrificed everything for even my own happiness.... They said peace brings you happiness then why am I not happy. I've done everything I can to live in peace; left all toxic people, moved away, blocked people I thought I'm not able to live without. And still... no genuine happiness...

Have I missed out an important part, a part that no one has mentioned before? There was a time where I was at peace with myself more than my life, and now I can't seem to find the way back. I'm lonely and miserable. My mind is a dimension of its own, far away from reality.

Am I just not good enough for people, am I that boring that after a while they all stop interacting with me. Or are they just not used to receiving genuine love? For a long time I kept blaming myself, and I still do, until I realised that wouldn't change a thing. Wether I am not good enough or they are not appreciative, it will all end the same. Distance will never fail to disturb the peace between me and the people I once enjoyed sharing a life with.

Day after I day, night after night, I dive further and deeper into my thoughts. This time they are dark, darker than ever. Can't seem to see the light. This time it's a real battle. It isn't about emotions anymore, it is about life. I don't have much time left, the clock is ticking, I can hear it loud and clear. Either now or never...

I am going to fight, but this time not for me, for my mom. The only person who appreciates my existence. The only person who gave and still giving me genuine love. A love so pure I can never let go....

Thank you mom for always being there for me. I know I might not be the best daughter at times but I try. I always try my best to show you how grateful I am for having someone like you in my life. Sorry that I feel the way I do, one day I will be ok not for me, for you....

Days after days and the feeling is still not there. Numbness continues to eat me alive like it never did. I am so nonchalant because i don't have anything to say anymore and when I do no one cares to listen. So why waste the energy that I don't have. I sit in silent, whether alone or in a crowded room, my mind goes to a whole new world; a place that no one knows the route for so how would I?

Yesterday I was out with my mom, we went for coffee, minutes pass by an I completely zoned out. She looked at me and said "where did you go?" but I was still there.... You know how hard it is for someone to ask this question when you are right in front of them? That moment just assured me that I'm not fine as I claim to be.......

humanity
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About the Creator

Joy

Dive into my emotions through my words....

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