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How to become a Billionaire - with the 'aid' of Warren Buffett

by Julius M about a month ago in humor

(A how-to parody)

The champion himself.

Are you all familiar with the modest Billionaire investor Warren Buffett?

He's friendly, he tries to live life, and he has made LOADS and LOADS of money by owning shares of businesses he believes to be profitable and holding onto them for a long time.

I have studied him strongly, I have watched his every move and am determined to both discover and share the exact way of which we in the modern day who are just beginning, could become a big, RICH investor like Warren has!

So, without further ado, here's the steps, on how to become LOADED!

This guy. He's the guy.

1. Invest literally all of the money you have in the S&P 500 Index Fund

And for the love of Mary and Joseph, make sure it's as low cost as possible! And do lump sum averaging, which basically means just throw the amounts in whenever!

When I say literally all of the money you have, I don't mean credit cards. Let's assume you don't have debt to pay off here. Although, if you do, the following steps might help you not have to worry about them anyway.

I'm saying DON'T BUY FOOD. Literally starve yourself, from a financial perspective - this means no more Avocado on Toast EVER AGAIN. This also means NO COFFEE - NO DRINKING AT ALL! Not alcohol, not powerade, not even 7-Eleven stuff with coins you find on the ground. If you do happen to find a coin on the ground, promptly deposit it into your Trading Account and use it to buy even just a miniscule fraction of a share of the S&P 500. You do this, and you are going to be rich, you will literally feel richer the moment that you see that you have absolutely nothing in Cash.

And you're surely wondering - how will I survive? Will I not die of malnourishment? Which leads us into...

2. Wait at McDonalds for Warren Buffett to go through the Drive-Thru, order, and then once his meal is prepared, quickly run up and grab it as they pass it across from the window and promptly run away.

As risky as this may be, the risk-reward ratio is relatively safe; Warren Buffett is a feeble, and terribly aged man, despite his youthful charm and demeanor, so there shouldn't be much chance of a physical altercation - and supposing there is, I think you would have a fighting chance. As for the vehicle in the equation? The car will be static while he awaits his order, so you shouldn't get run over. You may get honked at, but this is a risk you must be aware of going into this.

Best of all, Warren will likely have his meal replaced for free. He has a card that allows him free McDonalds in Omaha, and let's face it, he isn't going to be just getting out of his car and passing it over to you. Really, the worst case scenario here is that Warren has to pay again, and as far as I can tell he's not too cash-poor to cover for you with any meaningful loss or grief.

You can tell just by looking at him that this guy won't go down the sorrowful path of violence, and could easily spare a McDonalds order. Will he and McDonalds have a deeply impactful long-term loss as a result of this arrangement? ...Who's to say? You're not a millionaire yet, you're just aspiring to be one.

So, you've got your nutrition, and ideally will get enough hydration from the food to survive, at least for another night. But perhaps you're not fortunate enough to yet be a Home Owner - and with your blood oath to the S&P 500 you are hardly able to dish out money for Rent, or even for Electricity or Gas bills for that matter. Thus, the next step:

3. The McDonalds parking lot should be a place full of enough bushes you will have somewhere to sleep

It's simple really, and very smart - as you are now in a prime location to be ready for the next time Warren is at the Drive Thru. You won't need to worry about walking very far, at best maybe a few blocks away for if there's security that bugs you. And in that case, there are always Public Parks that have benches, and trees to lie under. People throw out all sorts of things, take an exploration to the dump and you'll EASILY find some kind of sheet to cover yourself during the winter. And don't forget, any money you find should immediately go towards the S&P 500 - you want as much as possible to be compounding!

4. Live like this for 50 years until you are finally rich thanks to the S&P 500

Ah, at long last your grueling, tiresome work of following the passion of becoming rich has paid off - your money has compounded over a long period of time, and you are now RICH! I'm gonna just come out and say it: At this point you are welcome to walk through the doors of McDonalds and order something for yourself. Just don't order too much - you still want to keep a fair bit in the S&P 500 to compound. Just pull out enough of it to put down a house deposit, assuming the Housing Market hasn't inflated far quicker than the Standard and Poor's has - and if it has, I would say there's a good bet the whole housing market will crash, if it hasn't already, so get some cash handy and ready for the time to strike.

You've done it, but I must give one integral piece of advice which is really going to help you become that extra bit rich...

Expert Tip: Your Investment will compound faster with regular income deposits, McDonalds is usually hiring as a source of income

This will be a great way to kill 50 years worth of time from your life that you will never get back. You never know, they might put you in a management role, especially if you are able to find somewhere available where you can shower and wash your clothes free-of-charge. Every bit of your measly salary will become worth so much more with all the time that it is spent in owning a piece of the top 500 companies of the United States.

So work hard, spend little, and you will reap what you sow in retirement and you will be able to live just as comfortably and happily as the great Warren Buffett does, too!

Julius M
Julius M
Read next: Why Denny's Is the Perfect Starter Job for a Cook
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