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Heart If You’re Horny (For Reading)

by Lindsay Rae Brown 23 days ago in humor

A quick word from an avid reader.

Heart If You’re Horny (For Reading)
Photo by Belinda Fewings on Unsplash

Okay, so the word horny gets a lot of guff. Maybe it hits the ear wrong and makes us grit our teeth a little. Perhaps its connotation with kinky hardcore porn-star sex has something to do with it.

Either way, I’m taking the word back.

Well, maybe not back—horny was never mine, to begin with. Originally horny meant something that was hardened to be horn-like. So really, it’s not that far of a jump to see how the modern word “horny” came to be, when a fella is hitting up the object of his affection.

Surprisingly enough, I’m not here to talk about sex and the humanness of horniness.

Instead, I want to speak about heartiness. No, that doesn’t work. I meant to say hearts. The humanness of our horniness for hearts. As in our beloved reading hearts here on Vocal.

I’ve noticed this trend on my Vocal group page that people type the word “hearted” in the comment section of articles that have been shared. I’m not sure if this was always a thing, as I’ve only been active on the page for a little over a month, but from the way that it flows from the fingertips of my fellow authors with such ease and practiced joy, I suspect it must be a tradition of yore.

Well, now I feel bad.

Should I be telling every writer that I’ve hearted their story? Because I already spend a lot of my time on that page reading and commenting on articles. To add the word “hearted” to every comment I make seems redundant.

Because the truth of it is, I heart for full reads.

I’m a hearting slut when it comes to hearting on Vocal. Taking the word slut back too, save your outrage for elsewhere, please.

If you’re receiving a fraction of a cent from my read, be assured you’re also getting a heart from me, my lovelies.

So what does this all mean?

Have I just constructed a pointless article on the subject of hearts? Does this admission reveal that I am horny whilst reading all of your work? Am I asking myself simple questions in order to hit my 600-word minimum?

All yes! 100 times yes!

I’m only at 376 words, so I’m going to have to flesh this shit out a bit more.

I can see that some of you are squirming from my overuse of the word horny, and I apologize. I know it can feel uncomfortable to have to read the word horny no less than 20 times in a tiny article such as this, but I think we need to embrace our horniness for the written word.

I, for one, am getting all kinds of lady boners when I read some of my favourite Vocal authors. I won’t name them here because I don’t want to make them uncomfortable (but you know who you are, Paul Combs, Jessica Conaway, Arpad Nagy, and Corrie Alexander!).

It would be extremely irresponsible of me to sling their names and links into this article in which I continue to use the word horny in respect to their amazing abilities.

And in truth, with the subject matter of my recent articles and my budding obsession with ALL the creators at the Vocal Creator’s Lounge, I fear that my behaviour is bordering on stalkerish, and that isn’t what I’m going for, I swear!

So instead, at some later date, I will compose a different article naming the authors I enjoy so dearly and leave the horniness out of that one.

Today I will leave you with this:

If I read your article on a Facebook post, and give you a like or comment on it, be assured that it did make me horny (for reading, I can’t stress that enough), which means I also gave it a heart.

Hmmm, 589—Almost there…

Also, if I came across your article on Vocal, and do not have the option to leave you a comment, just know if your article provided me with a complete reading experience, which is to say I read the entire thing through, know that I hearted.

I heart because I care.

Even when articles are riddled with spelling errors and awkward sentence structure, I heart. I heart on poetry and short stories. I heart on movie reviews and challenge entries. I would even heart on a slapdash story written about hearting in relation to horniness.

I heart-on because I have a hard-on for your writing.

What can I say? The literary prowess of my fellow creators makes me horny (for reading).

***

Lindsay Brown is a writer who clearly isn’t even trying anymore to maintain any sort of self-respect in the literary community. Feel free to check out some of her other work HERE.

And always remember, heart if you’re horny (for reading).

humor
Lindsay Rae Brown
Lindsay Rae Brown
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Lindsay Rae Brown

Lindsay Brown is a freelance writer who loves to give people a chuckle with relatable stories about everyday life.

See all posts by Lindsay Rae Brown

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