Enough.

The concept of "enough" has been on my mind lately. When one thinks of "enough" they typically think of "I've had enough to eat" or "That's enough" - something to signify that they are full, or have reached their limit. So then, emotionally speaking, one can have "enough" of something as well. "Enough" of the annoying co-worker, or a child begining for a toy. But what about when we look at ourselves, when will we be "enough" for ourselves? I for one, don't know. All I know is I am not "enough" for myself.

I have always searched for validation from external forces. Growing up, I learned very quickly that my own emotions were something that took second place to those around me. And when I tried to express how I truly felt, I was met with negative reactions. True to Pavlov's Theory, I was a quick study in that my own emotions became internalized while becoming an outlet for everyone else's.

Over time, this led to me looking for others to validate my own sense of being. I wasn't "whole" until someone else needed me to help "fix" them. If no one needed me, that left me with decades of repressed emotions that I had no idea how to process.

When I had no projects of my own, I searched out new ones. I looked to become the best at work. The best husband I knew how to be. The best friend. The best son. The best person. The most of everything. All in an attempt to be "enough" for someone or something, because I wasn't for myself.

And I failed at all of them. Every. Single. One.

One by one, each and every aspect of my life came crumbling down, until finally, there was nothing left propping me up. I was left battered, beaten, and broken. I was nothing in every sense of the word. I had failed. So, I did what any broken individual would do at that point of desperation, I tried to kill myself. Only, I failed at that, too.

But, here I sit a year and a half later. I can't say that I still don't depend on external influences to make me feel whole, but I am definitely a lot better. I've done some hard work and figured out that because I spent so much of my childhood taking care of others that no one was looking out for me. I have a very difficult time trusting others, yet intimacy is what I crave the most. I push people away, hoping that they will see through my veiled attempts and actually pull me closer. I don't mean to play games. They occur subconsciously, without me knowing. I still feel like I'm not worthy of people wanting to be around me - but slowly I am accepting that people can like me for the broken individual I am.

But, I'm still waiting to be enough. I'm still waiting for someone to say that despite my flaws, I am enough. And not because they read this and feel badly for me, but because they truly feel it. I'm waiting for my hard work to pay off, and someone to realize that it's enough. In a world where I have given everything of myself, I'm waiting for someone to do the same for me, even if just once. And I'm not ashamed to say that.