Checkmate

The Feeling of Defeat.

It’s safe to say that I’ve had a pretty rough life. I know people have had it worse than me, there’s no doubt in my mind about that, but I know that I haven’t exactly had it great either. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m blessed. I have 4 beautiful and amazing children; I’m married to my best friend and feel as though I’ve actually found my soulmate. Up until 2020, I had many successes in my business ventures and had achieved a comfortable and stable living. It’s not lost on me; I have a lot to be thankful for.

That being said, I’ve somehow managed to retain my general optimism and laid-back approach to life. Generally speaking, I don’t really have bad days. I don’t really get upset about a lot of things and I just kind of go with the flow. I guess I’ve learned that you need to continue to push forward if you’re going to make it in this life.

Today was tough though. And, out of context, it’s not going to make a whole lot of sense. I’m working on a thorough piece that chronicles how we’ve got to this point and will have that posted prior to the end of the year… but for now, suffice it to say that once COVID happened, my business has essentially died. We still have a handful of straggling customers, but as the lockdowns continue to be extended, it’s only a matter of time before they have to shut their doors as well.

That being said, I’m fighting off the foreclosure of my business property at this point. As of 12/26/20, if I don’t have our property refinanced, I lose it and all of our other assets to the bank… The importance of reading and understanding your loan offers is a topic for a whole different post, but let’s just say if that doesn’t settle the debt then I’m personally on the hook. Which is fine, I borrowed the money and I honestly have no problem paying it back. The only downside is that I have lost my primary means of income and the way the loan was tailored means that, my home, my cars, anything that I have that the bank wants they can take. It’s not a pretty picture.

Okay, enough of the background. I have several project cars that I was working on. That’s kind of what I do to relieve stress. I guess you could say that working on cars is my passion. Anyway, in an effort to raise money for the refinance, I’ve decided to strip them out and sell off every part that I could. There’s some pretty expensive stuff on these cars, so I’m hoping to make a decent return as quickly as possible. That’s essentially what I’ve been doing for the past week, and it’s been going just fine. Until today.

I don’t know what it is, but when I have a bad day at work it compounds into just a generally bad day. Maybe because I don't have bad days often it just makes the ones that I do have worse? Either way, as I’m fighting with the car that I’m working on and getting more and more frustrated, I realize that I’m just tired. I haven’t slept well in weeks. I’m stressed out. Frankly, I’m just done.

It takes a lot to get me to be upset, but it all just hit me. Everything that's been living under the surface, everything that I've kept hidden behind my smiling optimism, it just boiled out. I literally threw my ratchet across the garage and walked away. I quit.

I got in my car and headed home for the day. Later that night, after dinner and everything, I laid in bed with my wife and just broke down. I told her how I’ve never really felt like I’ve lost before but that’s what I felt today. I felt defeated. And I honestly didn’t know how I was going to move forward from here. I’m on the verge of losing everything that I’ve worked for over the last 10 years and the odds are looking bleak. It’s time to face the music. I lost.

Fortunately for me, my wife is amazing. She pulled me close and told me that everything was going to be fine. Regardless. It’s just stuff. Her and the kids weren’t going anywhere and that’s what’s important. No matter what we’re facing, we’re going to face it together. And that… That right there is what everyone who decides to work for themselves needs. Someone to support you on your bad days and remind you of what is really important. Thankfully, my wife does that for me 110%... Again, despite all the bad things I’ve endured in this life, I know that I truly have a lot to be thankful for.