Breaking The Glass Wall, part 5: A Little Snapshot of Normal

One thing I miss most about normal life is the uninhibited ability to be a working artist. I am a singer, an art model, and a writer. But with the current state of the world, it’s hard to be any of those things right now.

As I was scrolling through my camera roll recently, I noticed that everything after mid-March is mostly random screenshots, with an occasional selfie or food picture thrown in. But when I scrolled up to the beginning of March, I found this picture:

This was a drawing of me from the last art class I modeled for, at one of my favorite art schools to model at. This drawing was from the last pose of the night; I decided to lay down for this one because it was going to be the longest pose of the night. I was getting tired and wanted to close my eyes and relax for a bit.

I remember just feeling content and happy to be making art. I had no real worries in my life in that moment. I felt so free.

There’s no point in recent history that compares to what we’re facing right now. We’re dealing with economic collapse, a pandemic, and racial tension at an all-time high. All at once. And it’s overwhelming.

Art and creativity are how we process and cope with hard times. And without any way to be creative, we are nothing.

Before the pandemic started, I made a goal for 2020 to prioritize my creative work (singing, art modeling, writing, etc.), over everything else. I was finally going to step up, stop getting sucked into one crappy dead-end job after another out of desperation to make money, and make my career path as an artist my #1 priority.

I thought I’d finally start to prosper as an artist. I was finally starting to get out and audition for singing gigs, like church choirs, for the first time in a while. It felt good to be doing what I love and actually enjoying it again after feeling drained by it for some time.

I really thought that 2020 would be the year I finally got my artistic career up and running. Little did I know that this art class would be the last one I’d model at for a long time.

With social distancing, I haven’t been able to audition for anything or model for any art classes. I miss being involved in all my creative outlets, but art modeling is the one that I haven’t been able to do at all since art classes aren’t happening right now. That hurts.

Art modeling is the creative outlet I never knew I needed. It gave me so much more than I ever expected to get out of it.

I started art modeling 2 and a half years ago when I was at a major personal crossroads. I’d just decided to take a break from grad school, and I felt like I’d lost all direction in my life. I felt like I was abandoning my dream, my passion that I’ve been pursuing since I was 5 years old.

But art modeling showed me that it’s okay (and healthy!) to have more than one creative outlet, that I’m not confined to having only one passion in life, and that just because something is my passion doesn’t mean I need to burn myself out for it.

I am primarily a singer; singing has always been my first and main passion, but I still enjoy being creative in other ways. And I don’t feel bad about it. Art modeling was my first step to enjoying art again, and it showed me the importance of being a versatile, well-rounded artist.

But even more than that, it ultimately showed me peace.

I also miss the freedom it gives me, both physical freedom and freedom of expression.

I loved having the ability to help break the negative stigma against nudity and rebel against bullsh*t societal views like nudity being taboo. The feeling of being nude in a non-sexual way is so freeing; when you live in a society that’s both hypersexual and anti-sex at the same time, being nude and enjoying it is like giving a metaphorical middle finger to society. And I love it.

And through that freedom, art modeling has given me the freedom to love myself and helped me develop a more positive body image. When I posed for this drawing, I was about 10 pounds heavier than I am now. And I have other gorgeous drawings that I previously posed for when I was at my heaviest weight. And yet they’re some of my best work.

It wasn’t until after I started art modeling that I started to be able to tell myself “I am beautiful” and actually believe it. These artists I was working with were able to bring out some of the best in me through their own skills, and it changed my whole perspective of myself. Others believing that I'm beautiful has helped me be able to believe it. And that’s honestly the whole point of art. To bring people together. To spread positivity. To cope with struggle and support each other.

I miss art modeling so much. I miss the fun of it, the peacefulness, the freedom. I miss the good vibes and the body positivity. I miss seeing gorgeous drawings of myself. I miss the sense of collaboration and community, and being able to make art with other people. I miss being able to be creative to the fullest.

Sometimes it’s hard to look back on my creative work in general; there’s a degree of sadness there because I’m not able to continue doing any of it right now, and I don’t know when I’ll be able to get back to it again. But looking at this drawing of myself, I feel really good about myself. I feel beautiful. I feel proud. I feel confident. I feel accomplished.

I can’t wait for the day I can once again model for art classes and work with artists, and I can take my clothes off and enjoy being nude again and get back to telling society to go f*ck itself, one nude drawing at a time. But for now, all I can do is look back on the work that I’ve done and be proud of what I’ve accomplished so far, and look forward to doing it again someday soon.

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