Abandonment

As far back as I can remember I always knew. I don’t recall feeling any special way about it. It just was a part of me that grew with me. I am young and growing to be a different person.

I wonder who I look like? I would lay outside in the grass looking up at the stars. I wonder if someone is out there right now looking at the stars thinking about me? What I look like. I am a young lady now and maturing in to my own person.

I resemble my family, no one ever knows in reality, we don’t share the same blood. Why did they let me go? Why and how did my family pick me out? “Oh, we wanted a little girl so badly and you were just perfect for us.”

The index card that came with me described her as 18 five foot six inches tall, blonde hair; young, blue eyes. Dropped out of high school is good with her hands. Both parents to immature to raise child.

He was 19 Tall brown hair green eyes dropped out of high school and worked. Grandparents cared for baby most of the time. Parents to immature to care for baby.

Sixteen months of age, it took you sixteen months to decide if you would try to care for me? But you are my rock, I see your face and know you. And you are my rock, I see you and yearn for you to pick me up to hold me. I trust you you’re all I trust. Me and you. Your all I know.

Where are we? How long will we stay? Who are these people I do not know? You are putting me down away from you now and walking away. Please come back don’t leave me you two. I don’t know these people I will wait and wait for you. It hurt so bad that you’re not responding. Hysterical and throwing up can’t catch my breath. Want you. You’re all that I know. I want my rock, comfort of you.

Day in day out. I don’t think I remember you any longer. You appear once again! My rock my rock my only bond you’re here. I remember you. I know your smell. Pick me up take me with you. You came back for me don’t you see how bad it hurts when you leave me?

Day in day out day in and day out. Where are we going? Where are we now, I kind of remember being here with them. I waited and waited, I missed you so. I will cling to you; I will cry and show you why you can’t leave me here. Holding out my arms being held by this stranger, come back please come back my people I started to call mommy. And you my rock I don’t want to be separated again, come back. Please. Pick me up. It hurts this feeling inside.

They never came back, I forgot all about them. Day in and day out. Etched in my mind was don’t leave me whoever you are. I know you now, and you know me.

People more people I will get to know, they come and get me and take me back. They come and get me and then they take me back. But they come and get me and take me back. They come and get me and they, keep me. I never go back.

My new rock you hold me my new rock you come back. I call you momma and I call you daddy. And you come back. At the first sign that you put me down and leave the room, I will follow you to make sure you come back. When you leave to work and you come back that is good with me.

Why do you wonder why I get hysterical and throw up and lock doors and run and scream when you leave me for a few hours so you can shop? Your smell lingers, you take it with you.

My first experience with love was getting to know my rock and being left by my rock. Then getting to know my rock and being left again. The pain inside hurt so bad. Can you imagine being so small, no control over what or who was caring for you? Can I trust you will be back; I don’t want to find out it’s not worth the pain? Don’t leave me I beg.

You’re breaking up with me? Why what did I do? Am I not good enough for you? I loved you with all my heart, you can’t break up with me I will die without you. I won’t go on I won’t want to I can’t let you go. Please don’t please don’t. I am hysterical I am going to get sick it hurts so bad don’t go. Why me why me why does it hurt so bad?

My little person my other little half. I am to young to care for you. I am alone. I want what is fair for you. You are too little to realize, when you grow up you will know. It hurts me inside so bad more than you could ever imagine. I will get sick and throw up it is going to hurt so bad. I am now making the decision so young to have to let you go. I am inflicting pain on myself? No just acting out of pure selfless love. Close my eyes I can’t watch you go. Come back someday please I pray. I love you goodbye. I am hysterical I am sick I am sad I am only sixteen. I am a rock.

The pattern, the back of my mind. You can’t leave, it hurts to bad. “What is wrong with her she freaks out over nothing?” “They broke up and she feels like life won’t go on.” "Grow up now grow up girl how old are you?" It hurts so bad from way back; I have no clue.

Don’t be mad at me it feels like death. When you ignore me it hurts like you left? I will always be kind so you won’t go, going away from me hurts. Are you coming back? I don’t want anyone mad at me, and I don’t want anyone to leave. When you chose someone else it hurts to. Doesn’t matter who you are.

The betrayal of an affair is devastating, I am obsessed I am going to for sure die. The pain is so deep I can’t concentrate on the things I am suppose to be doing. Why, what is wrong with me am I not pretty enough?

Mother or mom I thought you would be here forever, but right now you’re really leaving me, I am hysterical I am close to throwing up. I can’t imagine life without you. I feel like a little girl somehow. Crying for her mommy, a grown adult in tears. My face is swollen it hurts so bad. Saying goodbye seems to be a problem for me, I wonder why?