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Twisted Tale - Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

A well-known classic, but not quite how you remember it... In fact, there was no Dragon or dangerous climb, or... ducks in the original. But there's lots of ...ducks in this one!

By Kelly Sibley Published 5 months ago 7 min read
4
An updated and revised edition.

“You did what?”

Silence consumed everyone’s breath after the resonating yell broke the polite dinner spell.

“Well, I didn’t mean to!” was the only whimpered reply.

Six of the dumbfounded dinner guests quietly put their knives and forks down, hoping in doing so… the waters would be calm enough, at some point, for their sumptuous menu to continue.

Grumpy’s eyebrows knitted together as Snow White sat nervously at the head of the table, smiling as best she could, considering the circumstances.

The knife and fork the angry miner held strained under his intense grip. “You’re telling me you ‘accidentally’ tripped the Prince over, and he ‘accidentally’ fell into the mouth of a gaping dragon. To wit, he ‘accidentally’ died!”

“Well, when you put it like that, it seems pretty sus!” Snow White blushed heavily under the gaze of her family.

“I mean, it’s not like I intentionally tripped him, and how was I to know that a dragon was climbing up the castle’s turret wall exactly the same time as we went out for an after-dinner chat?” She lifted a small fork full of food to her quivering ruby lips but then paused. “It’s not like dragons are encouraged to hang around royal castles. And furthermore, it’s like the head of the palace guard said: this particular species of dragon is such a rare beast, which normally lives high up in the mountains where it’s cold; it’s a total mystery how it got here. He said there would be no point in trying to investigate what it was doing here either because… it’s a total mystery!” she nodded enthusiastically to her seven uncles, “A total mystery is what he said, many, many times over, I might add.”

The princess paused a thoughtful moment and then commented to everyone in general, “I did ask what the giant big metal box from Hilltop Dragon Reserve was doing behind the horse’s stables, and do you know what he said…” She waited a moment to build the suspense of which her answer deserved. “The palace guard said he didn’t know! Another total mystery!”

“What precisely was this “after-dinner discussion” about?” Grumpy was never one to give in on a good argument. It was his forte to dig away at a little nugget of information until he hit the seam of full-blown truth. “Why did it need the both of you to climb the tallest turret in the castle?”

Quietly, Bashful began eating again. He desperately needed something to distract himself from the arguing, so enjoying the seven-course menu Snow White had carefully ordered the cooks to whip up all afternoon would just have to do the trick. He certainly didn’t want to hear any details; it was all too sordid.

“Oh, really, Grumpy, that was a very private conversation. I don’t think the dinner table is the right place for it.”

Grumpy lay his knife and fork down on the white marble table, then laced his fingers in front of his face.

“Oh, great!” exclaimed Dopey as he put his homemade cigarette out on his bread plate. “Here we go!”

Snow White carefully placed her golden cutlery on the table, her face flushing bright pink as she did. “If you must know, Uncle.” Tears glistened in her eyes as she met Grumpy’s gaze. “The Prince was very upset with me!”

“Oh, I’m sure he wasn’t upset. No one could be upset with you! You’re just too lovely, Snow!” Happy reached out to his left with a grubby little mit and caressed Snow White’s hand.

“Happy, you’re so kind, thank you!” Snow White smiled generously as she pulled her hand away from his grasp and placed it on her lap. “But I’m still not interested!”

“Oh, for goodness sake, Happy, put it away! The girl could be charged with murder!” Grumpy stood up, his white beard shaking with anger as he thumped his fists on the table. “What did you have to talk about with the prince?”

Tears welled in the young woman’s eyes, then flooded down her burning cheeks as the truth broke loudly outwards, “He was….” Her face burned bright ruby red, “Oh, how do I say this?”

A white lace handkerchief was pulled out from her silk, and ruffled dresses sleave then dabbed at her tears. “He, the prince, wasn’t satisfied with a kiss before marriage.”

All the seven miner’s attentions were focused like a pickaxe to a diamond as the blushing Snow White continued to stammer.

“He was pressurising me all the time. Undressing me with his eyes. Groping me with his hands every time we were alone, trying to stick his tongue down my throat at any opportunity.” Snow White snorted loudly like a pig in mud, “Oh, but I’m no fool. I remember exactly what Doc said would happen if we did anything other than hold hands before the wedding. And I can tell you for a certainty, I did not want the prince to grow a third leg, and I certainly didn’t want to grow one either! Could you imagine the cost of changing all our pants and shoes to accommodate another limb?”

Doc put his head in his hands and slowly shook it from side to side.

“No, sir!” Snow White shook her determined head, “I didn’t want to go when the prince said, ‘Come on, Snow, let’s climb up the turret, and I’ll show you a scorching time!”

Happy turned a bright pink and began moaning softly into his white beard.

“But really, Uncle, what choice did I have? I said, ‘No thanks, Charlie, I’m not dressed for climbing’, but he just grabbed my hand and pulled me along. And these darn glass slippers have no grip whatsoever, so I just simply slid after him regardless of what bush I tried to grab along the way.”

Happy grabbed a handful of his beard and began fanning himself with it.

Raising an eyebrow, Snow White assessed the quivering miner's questionable behaviour, then moved her chair one loud shuffle away from him before she spoke. “Well, of course, I knew what he meant by scorching; obviously, we’d be hot by the end of climbing up that turret. It’s got three hundred and thirteen stairs. But I thought it might be good to wear him out a bit so he wouldn’t be so handsy in the evening.”

The young woman stopped and gazed sadly into the distance before thoughtfully commenting. “I did want to change out of my glass high heels and big flowing dress with the hem that I catch my heels in all the time. But the Prince wouldn’t have it. He said I came in with glass slippers, I should go out with glass slippers, and if need be, he’d carry me up the twenty-four flights of stairs himself. Apparently, the view is to die for, and he really wanted me to experience that firsthand, so to speak.”

Grumpy sat down with one bushy eyebrow raised high onto his forehead. “Then how did he trip and fall into the dragon?”

The six other miners sat quietly, listening to every word.

“Well, we finally got to the top, and I was totally buggered!”

Happy coughed then blew the red wine he’d been sipping to cool himself down all over the table and Sneezy, who sadly had chosen to sit opposite.

The young woman ignored her choking uncle and spoke loudly over his coughing, “The Prince wanted me to hold his hand whilst I leant out over the side so I could look at the bottom of the moat. But I said I hated heights and wouldn’t let go of the turret’s entrance gate. To wit, the prince said, “If you don’t.” Snow White blushed. “It’s a rude word, so I’ll use one that sounds like it.”

The minders all nodded, knowing that Snow White had never uttered a profanity in her life, and they respected her demure, ladylike manner!

“He said… if you don’t ‘ducking’ well, let go of that ‘ducking’ door, I’m going to ‘ducking’ well rip it off its ‘ducking’ hinges, and you can ride it all the ‘ducking’ way down!”

Happy leaned back in his chair as stiff as an iron rod as Sneezy grabbed his napkin and quickly began fanning him.

“I know!” quivered Snow White, who blew her nose on her napkin. “Well, I wasn’t going to put up with that! So, I said, “You can darn well ‘duck’ yourself for the rest of your ‘ducking’ life! My ‘ducking’ Uncles will ‘duck’ you over if you dare lay one more slimy hand on me, you ‘ducking ducker’!”

The silence in the palace’s dining hall was deafening.

Snow White looked around her seven uncles and then loudly cried into her damp but silk handkerchief, “And then he said, “You dumb ‘duck’!” before he lunged at me with his fingers spread out like claws. So, I kicked him right between his legs. He fell forwards, tripped over my skirt and….” She sighed dramatically, “Well, the rest, you know!”

Thank you so much for reading my work, and I hope you feel happy to subscribe.

LaughterWitSketchesSatiricalSatireSarcasmParodyIronyHilariousFunnyComedyWriting
4

About the Creator

Kelly Sibley

I have a dark sense of humour, which pervades most of what I write. I'm dyslexic, which pervades most of what I write. My horror work is performed by Mark Wilhem / Frightening Tales. Pandora's Box of Infinite Stories is growing on Substack

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  • Randy Wayne Jellison-Knock5 months ago

    Kelly, this was ducking fantastic, lol!

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