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10 MORE Reasons You’re A C**T!

True C*nts, 2 Curious

By Gary RagnarssonPublished about a year ago Updated about a year ago 4 min read
10
An original piece 💁‍♂️

If you’re one to pay any kind of attention to the efforts of others, you’ll have noticed my subtitle today. Rest assured, there’s a reason for this, and if you’re not an absolute c**t you may even get it already. If not allow me to explain.

In all my greatness and wisdom, I’ve decided this series is now called The Cunts & The Curious, as this too is a franchise that refuses to end and wants to push its ridiculousness with each entry. As such, you can come to know me as Sin Diesel, the main star, sole creator, and thus, educator, of this shit-show.

Each entry will be named after, and as inconsistently as, the ‘Fast & Furious’ franchise, making this second entry in the cunts saga: ‘True Cunts, Two Curious.’

As mentioned in the comments of the previous post, I’d like you all to keep a running tally of your cuntishness as we race down this road in our ten-second cars. (While changing gear no less than thirty times per 1/4 mile.)

Once we reach the epic, final entry in this blasphemous series—or the finish line, if you like—I’ll be releasing a full list of the 100 reasons and a scoreboard, so you can be outed to the world. And don’t worry, I’ll be thinking up something special for the best and worst of you!

If you’ve not read part 1 of this series, you’re gonna struggle to keep up… so go do that, fuel up, then come back.

As for the rest of you, it’s time to race! Whichever hot chick is trending at the minute is waving flags with her breasts out and they’re about to drop. (The flags, not her tits—God willing. Have you ever smelt burning silicone?)

1: You Don’t Like The Fast & Furious Movies

I know everything you’re gonna say, and I don’t care. If you don’t see the natural progression of DVD thief’s racing for pink slips suddenly becoming international super-agents working for the government, then I don’t know what to tell you.

This submarine stands no chance!

They’re Car-Fu experts, and that’s how it goes for them types. I don’t want to hear any excuses. “Oh I liked the first two but the rest are a little—“ Shut up, Cunt! You’re out of the family. If you can’t appreciate Dom’s adventures in their entirety, your getting a mark. It’s that simple.

2: You Use ‘Of’ Instead Of ‘Have’

You sir/madam, are a total cunt. The one thing that pisses me off the most when I’m scrolling Facebook (like all the cool kids do) is seeing sentences like this: “I should of known better.”

For a start, what gives you the impression you should’ve done anything better, when you don’t even have a grasp of your own language? It’s should HAVE. Could HAVE. Would HAVE. Figure that out first, then tell the world about your petty dramas.

3: Your Choice Of Lager is Fosters

Words go here. At least they would if I had any. It was a toss-up between Carling and Fosters to be honest, but then I remembered I drink Carling all the time because I’m too poor to drink premium lagers on tap 😞 You can help with that by tipping or even pledging if you like, just saying.

4: You Say ‘Pet Peeve’

Wanna know my pet peeve? You, ya cunt! And that fucking turn of phrase. I don’t know why, I have no answers, just know that I hate it and it makes you annoying as all hell.

5: You Begin Oral Sex And Stop Half Way

This one may be current-situation-specific… but if the shoe fits, you know? Sorry babe 😘

6: You Wear Speedos

‘They look good, they’re less restrictive, I’ve just always preferred them’: Mark Calleja at Sutton’s Beach, north of Brisbane. Photograph: Dan Peled/Guardian Australia

Mate, nobody wants to see your disappointing package squeezed into a pair of budgie-smugglers, especially those innocent kids and their poor parents chilling out around the pool.

7: You’re Over 12 Years Old And Have TikTok

You seriously need to reassess your life and your choices. TikTok is a cesspit of childish behaviour and petty in-fighting, and if you’re into that shit, then who am I to judge? Oh right, yeah… I’m the judge around here. Sin Diesel officially declares you a cunt!

8: You Like Sam Smith

The bloke’s a dickhead, Simple. Whoever decides to blow up a gimp suit like a hot air balloon and go out wearing it for the whole world to see is nothing short of a cunt!

9: You Chew With Your Mouth Open

Close your mouth when you eat you disgusting fucking pig. Guess who wants to hear you mash down your kebab into an unrecognisable mush? Nobody! And who wants to see that unrecognisable mush turning around in your fat mouth? Even less people, least of all me. Don’t be a cunt, shut your mouth.

10: You Don’t Follow Me On Insta

And you really should, because not only am I intelligent, funny, wise, and responsible for any small scrap of hope you have left for redemption, I’m also sexy as fuck. So go sort it out now, and save yourself ticking off another reason in favour of your cuntishness.

That’s all for today, stay tuned for the third entry in this series, and let me know your running tally in the comments below!

JokesSatireSarcasmHilariousCONTENT WARNINGComedyWriting
10

About the Creator

Gary Ragnarsson

Deep thinker, stoic, and writer from the UK, sharing everything from philosophical insights to my most intimate, personal stories.

In a world consumed by chasing more, I’m over here embracing less on purpose.

Reader insights

Outstanding

Excellent work. Looking forward to reading more!

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Comments (6)

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  • Gina C.about a year ago

    I just keep getting cuntier 🧐 But for what reasons, I’ll never tell 🤭 Now I’m the ultimate cunt, I suppose 😄

  • Brenton Fabout a year ago

    I am so following these now! I only scored two on this one, 1 and 10! 😁 https://youtu.be/GQO1qZD5lek (It might make you sign in for age verification - sorry!)

  • Naomi Goldabout a year ago

    Well, none of those apply to me, but we shall see how the next list goes.

  • Heather Hublerabout a year ago

    Fuck if I didn't need this laugh today! Brilliant series. We have a matching sense of humor that I don't find often. Hmm, for this installment I think I've tallied 2 Cunt points, although the 1 really shouldn't count. I don't have Fosters as a drinking option but I don't really drink at all. The other, and I will fight you on it (lol), is #7. I fucking love TikTok. I don't ever comment, I just watch people dance, do funny shit and music stuff. It makes me laugh when I need it. Love this series!!

  • Kendall Defoe about a year ago

    I am so glad that we have a Humour section on this page! And that oralingus interruptus? Seriously...that's a crime against nature. Admirable that you kept it at ten... ;)

  • Melissa Ingoldsbyabout a year ago

    The cunts at it again! lol this had me rolling ! I am one too of course but that’s life (I don’t have pet peeves!)

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