You Look Happy, But You Don't Feel Happy.

For the last couple of weeks I've been feeling lost. Feeling like something is missing. Feeling anxious, Upset, Lonely and much more. I cried and cried and cried myself too sleep some nights wondering what has happened to me? why am I feeling the way I am feeling?

I kept fighting it. I was going to work feeling empty but still went on and did my job because I love working with children it's an escape where I wouldn't think about anything other than my job. It took me a very long time to realise what was going on in my mind. I couldn't explain how I felt. I couldn't take away the pain that I was feeling. I couldn't tell people about it I felt like I couldn't explain why I was crying because I couldn't.

I felt at my lowest. I had a very bad mental break down where I felt like I couldn't cope with it anymore. I needed to do something. I needed a break. I felt claustrophobic like I was suffocating like I couldn't breath. I needed to find a way out of this feeling.

I found it so much easier talking to a stranger about how I was feeling because I could truly open up about things that I couldn't really open up to with my family because that fear of judgment came straight to my head. Although my family would never judge me there's always that feeling of fear. They know you more than anyone does and for a stranger to know nothing about you they can't judge you as hard as what other people can.

I find talking to my mum about everything and anything helps me a lot I just know that my mum will always take my mind off being unhappy. My mum will always tell me how proud she is of me, she always compliments me and makes me laugh and even though sometimes she has no idea how Im feeling in myself she always manages to bring that huge smile I haven't had in a very long time. I never really say it as often as I should but my mum helped me more than she will ever know with my depression. She is more than my rock she brings me so much happiness she is my medicine and I know I can always count on her. I will be lost if I ever lost her I really wouldn't know what to do.

I think the most difficult thing of all is having no friends to socialise with. I see a lot of people who hang around and have girly times with their friends and me I don't do that. I have friends who I now and then get in touch with. I have work friends who checkup on me or speak to me when they can but I don't have a friend where they come to my house all the time or they call me up and say "Erika get you'r SH*T together we are going on a trip" I don't have that friend who is always there eating your food or having a laugh with you or drinking cocktails with you until god knows when. I envy everyone who has a friend like that I really do. I find it hard to make friends. I do a lot of things for people I try and make as much time as I can for people and give up a lot for people but somehow I still can't make friends. I think that plays a massive part on my depression as well. Friendship is so important you can tell them things that you'd never tell anyone else. You have no fear when you're with them. You can say and do anything in front of them and they'd still love you for it. I wish I had that.

People never know what you're going through until you become distant with the things you used to love doing then people realise that something isn't right.

My Boyfriend And Family have given me the most amazing support I could ask for. I've always counted on them and they've never let me down. I've had multiple breakdowns and they've still never turned their backs on me. I've cried multiple times and they've held me close and told me we would be fine. I was never embarrassed to tell my family that I was suffering whether it was about money, food, life or myself I have always been honest with how I feel and I will forever be grateful for that. They've helped me get through some really bad times where I lost myself in the process but I know they'll always be by my side and I will never be able to forget the times you've helped me and still helping me through this battle.

My work place have given me the most positive support I could as for from a work place. They've helped me over come steps, they've listened to me, they've been patient with me but most of all they've never let me down. I will forever be grateful for their time and efforts with me.

You should never be embarrassed about having depression its something a lot of people in the world have. A lot of people find it hard to talk about things but it's important to talk. It's ok to rely on medication to help you through life. It's ok to rely on the doctors or councillor to help you talk things through. It's ok to have days where you aren't strong enough. It's ok to cry for days and days.

People have no idea how hard it really is having depression. I am the happiest person you'll ever meet, I smile all the time, I make jokes, I laugh with people but I have depression I can switch at anytime I could be so happy to then feel numb instantly I can feel like the most energetic person to then feeling tired and lost. I can get up for work for months on end and suddenly I can feel exhausted where I can't even get out of bed. I think I'm having a good morning when suddenly I just want to go to bed and not see anyone. Sometimes I want to see everyone and go places and the next I want to hide away for days and never come out.

A lot of people handle depression in a different way. Some people are stronger than others. Some people cope with it better than others. Some people can hide the emotions and act as though they are ok. Some people break down and some people find a solution.

Me I have to talk. I need to let my emotions off and offload to someone in order to feel better. I need medication to help me feel like I'm on top of the world (Happy pills as many people call them) I'm not afraid to tell people I have low times, I have mental break downs sometimes, I have good days and bad days, I feel SH*T about myself most days, I have tablets to help me be happy, I am exhausted all the time, I am not afraid to tell people I am unhappy and I don't know why. I am not afraid to say yes I have depression and I am getting through the battle.

I want to thank everyone who has supported me on one of my recent posts on facebook. I didn't realise how much support I really had until I had the courage to speak out and tell people that I have depression. It actually inspired me to write a blog about my journey and my life and how it effects me on a day to day basis. I was a strong woman and until I had a very bad experience in my life I became weak and lost myself whilst trying to find myself.

Depression is a day to day battle.

These are the people in my life who are keeping me going. I Love You All x