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You Don't Get to Decide What Other People Should Find Attractive

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

By Aria WhitePublished 3 years ago 3 min read

Have you ever met a couple and thought, "What is she doing with a guy like him?" (Or vice versa?) I think most of us have probably seen two people together and for whatever reason, they seem "off" in some way. Maybe she's much older than him. Maybe they are from different cultures. Maybe one of them is a surfer dude and the other is a bookworm. Maybe one of them is clearly athletic and the other is a couch potato.

Whatever it is about these "mismatched" couples that we don't understand isn't ours to understand at all. We don't get to decide what other people should find attractive. And I'm not just talking about physical appearance. By attractive, I mean anything that catches someone's eye about another person. Now, you might wonder why this is an issue. It's an issue because we often use this same reasoning with people who are interested in us.

When I meet a new guy and we seem to click, I sometimes find myself thinking, He's way too cute for me. He will be turned off by the fact that I have children. He will not like my glasses. He will judge me for being divorced. He'll run when he sees my "mom bod," and a range of other reasons why I don't think he should be attracted to me. But these reasons are not from him, they are from me. And therefore, it's not my place to decide what it is he likes about me. The fact is, he likes me.

When you feel the need to justify someone's attraction to you because you can't understand it, you are invalidating their perception of beauty and underestimating your worth. You are implying that they shouldn't feel what they feel, or be attracted to what they are attracted to. That's not fair to them and it's not fair to you.

Sometimes the things we find attractive are not what others do. Case in point: Brad Pitt, Justin Timberlake, and George Clooney. These three men are often seen as studly heartthrobs by millions of women across the globe. But I don't find any of them attractive. Not physically, and not based on personality.

I also tend to look the other way when I see really muscular guys (I prefer a big heart to bulging biceps), guys who smoke (I am attracted to men who live a healthy lifestyle), and workaholics (I have to feel more important than your job). I'm turned off by arrogance, passiveness, and emotional unavailability. I generally find guys attractive who are less mainstream and more "normal." I think imperfections are beautiful. Give me a guy with a gap in his teeth over a guy with a six-pack any day!

As I get older, I appreciate authenticity more. But I also know that not everyone shares this preference. And I don't get to tell them that they are strange for finding Brad or Justin or George hotter than a Nashville summer.

Here's why this message is so important: When we disregard someone's definition of beauty, we disregard what we have to offer. If a guy tells you he thinks you are beautiful, believe him. Maybe you don't "see what he sees" in you, but you don't have to. Maybe he thinks your eyes are pretty. Maybe he loves the way you smile. Maybe he likes that you're goofy or sporty or a down-to-earth girl next door type. It really doesn't matter. Just trust that he sees something he likes and that his attraction is genuine.

If you find yourself questioning why a guy is attracted to you, consider that maybe it's not for you to know, but to simply accept. Beauty truly is "in the eye of the beholder," and you're way too beautiful - inside and out - to question why anyone would find you attractive.

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About the Creator

Aria White

Aria White is an author, mental health advocate, narcissistic abuse survivor, and relationship expert. Her first book, "Dear Me, I've Missed You" is available at Amazon and other book retailers. Follow her on Instagram @authorariawhite.

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