You are not crazy, you are just sick.

6 years ago at 33 I went into premature ovarian failure and then menopause. In the course of trying to figure that out I thought I was losing my mind because. . .

Something was wrong. I felt it. I was angry. Irrationally angry all the time. And my doctor told me I was wrong. I hadn't had a period in 2 years. I had hot flashes. He said " you're too young" so I found a new doctor.

Then tests. And more tests and surprise. Not just mod menopause you're done. No wonder you felt crazy they said. Everything had bottomed out in less than a year. My body was a Rollercoaster. I hate Rollercoasters.

I mourned the loss of my ovaries. No more babies. But I had a wife who didn't want them anyway and wondered why I was so sad. I got used to it. I learned to live like that and I thought maybe being this tired is normal.

"You work so much," everyone said. But I thought of how exhausted I was. So exhausted. I joked about my pre-bed naps. I woke up at 4 every day and of course. That was why. I thought the way my body aches is normal. They'd checked everything.

Then the bleeding. The "well that's not normal" the doctors again saying oh its nothing. It happens sometimes. And I was suddenly crazy again. Tests. And nothing. Ultrasounds. And nothing. Thyroid check after check after check and nothing.

I've had my insides photographed so often lately they should have their own Only Fans account. "Everyone view my ovaries. See the normalcy of my uterus. Exclaim over how unremarkable my pancreas and kidneys are" but. . .

I had pancreatic issues that came and went. I named the roiling twisting dull knife ache of it Armando and would tell everyone "Armando is acting up again." I had sudden kidney issues then nothing. Tests are normal. You're imagining things.

And I thought I was. Still exhausted. Still walking around broken and achy and inherently wrong somehow and that was just. How it is supposed to be?

Then a new doctor who said we needed to backtrack. More blood. More tests. They should have paid me for the number of photos they took with a wand up my vag. Punch biopsies of my cervix. Pummeling my ovaries.

Today I had the follow-up. I told a friend beforehand that I was scared they would find something. I was scared that they would not. It was Schroedingers illness until she opened the file.

And suddenly it's real. Suddenly it's a real thing that is. . . .workable. Hashimotos. Nothing big. But. Fixable or at least maintainable and she said "your not crazy" and I cried. And she said "with numbers like this surprised you've been able to get out of bed " and i thought oh. So I AM tired. I am really allowed to be tired. I am allowed to feel like shit now because someone else has said its real

But I'm angry. And sad. That it took so long to get someone to believe me. That these professionals we pay to help spent more time convincing me that I was crazy than they did actually figuring out why I felt bad. I am pissed that this is not what people feel like that I should not hurt all the time or be so tired I drink pots of espresso, like water. I am furious that I went through the end of all those child carrying years and no one said its ok to mourn that.

I do not know how it is to feel ok anymore. How will I be when I am not constantly fighting myself to just get through the damn day.

Just. If you did read this. And you feel like I did. Make someone listen